Need support

I have a 16 yr old daughter who is hurting me very badly. She is in a group home and blaming me for all her problems (it’s a long story) but she keeps sending me emails that are very hurtful and horrible, and it’s hurting me very badly! She says she’s disowning me. Please someone help me get through this or give me some ideas on how to get through this!

sincerely,
Tracy

Hi Tracy,

I don’t have kids of my own so I don’t really feel qualified to offer much. It’s also hard not knowing the full story, but I’ll do my best!

First off, you’re doing the right thing by talking about it and reaching out for support! You should talk as much as you can with your close friends and family, and just know that you’re not on your own here and that there’s people you can call on if you need some help and guidance, or just another perspective and opinion.

Most importantly know that (without knowing the ins and outs of the situation) this isn’t your fault and you shouldn’t have to shoulder all the responsibility. At 16 she’s been making her own decisions for a long time now, even if they haven’t been the best ones.

This is probably just a phase she is going through. I obviously don’t know much about the situation, but she is probably just very confused and for some reason isn’t able to accept any responsibility for her current situation.

It’s not going to be easy, but I guess you just have to be the stronger one. Even though it mightn’t seem like it, in some ways she is probably still modeling herself on you. If you can accept and forgive her, be the stronger person and constantly remind her that no matter what, you’ll be there for her then maybe she’ll realize what she’s doing to you and what she’ll lose by disowning you.

I can’t remember who said it, but I remember a quote that is something like “the solution to any problem is love”.

Sorry to hear about your troubles, it must be especially difficult at this time of the year.

There’s an affirmation on bmindful that is something like this too shall pass – it’s not the most well formed affirmation, but there’s wisdom in those words! This situation your in is temporary, there’s light at the end of the tunnel!

Hi Tracy,

Is anyone ever qualified for this? We all can use words that cut deep. Mainly our anger is directed at those we love in the most aggressive way, because we tend to hurt the ones we love the most.
Our children were pretty good. But there were a few times that my husband and I felt lost and scared because we didn’t know how to handle situations. I have a couple of girlfriends at present going through similar heartache to you. it scares me to death and I feel so sad for them but like I say to them they are strong and they love their kids, all we can do is guide them we cant lead their life.
I agree with Lee that you need support from friends. This will pass, It’s very hard when you yourself are hurting. Its hard to see the wood from the trees. I can be like a wounded bull at times so I write things out. Leave them and re read them a day or so later. Keep away from the emails and put some distance in between the pair of you. If you have to reply tell her that you love but keep it short. It will give you both time to think.
At 16 children are at that age where they still want to be the little girl or boy but on the other hand want to be the adult, its an age where they are in the middle. I don’t know what your story is but we feel they are unhappy with themselves and hit out. Like Lee says they have to take responsibility for their actions too that’s all about being grown up.
Put a little space between the pair of you, I take it shes safe and not into any drugs? As long as shes safe but angry, I would send loving energy to her, imagine the outcome that you would like and focus on that and above all Tracy give yourself a break too, don’t be too hard on yourself. Its always 6 of one and half dozen of the other. Being a parent is one of the hardest but rewarding jobs we will ever do.
Take Care
Sue

This is a very complex and difficult situation, and so intimate. Do you have a counsellor you can talk to? Someone who can support you thoughout this time knowing the story and being there to listen? Having this constant support is invaluable.

I see that creating and maintaining boundaries could help your relationship along. This is not easy because you are so parent and child and boundaries sometimes hurt the other who is may not be “ready” for it. Keep reminding her that you love her, but maintain boundaries for you to be safe and happy as well.

As for the emails, I’d be inclined to say to her that if you see an email that has abuse in it, you’ll delete it and not read further, but you’d be happy to read any other emails.

Hope things work out better for you soon.

Freya

having no children myself i’m not qualified to comment but i’d suggest giving her her space but letting it known that you are always there for her if she needs help

its a phase nothing more. adolescence is a turbulent time because teenagers need to try and find their place in the world. its much better for a teenager to rebel now and come back to you once they have matured than to be relying on you for everything so much that they have no independence and will still be living at home when they are 30

˚ allowing all good 💗  

Posted on 22/12/2008. Last edited on 23/12/2008.

If your daughter has had any issues with alcohol or other drugs- you might want to check out Alanon Family Group. You will get great support.

Hello Tracy~ First of all, I can feel the sorrow and pain in your words. I offer you sympathy and send you healing & loving energy.

As the mother of five children, I understand where you are coming from. When I first read your post, I felt tears coming to my eyes. Tears for the hurt you must be suffering and tears from memories of my own daughters tough and turbulent teenage years. It is important to believe Lee when he says “This too shall pass”.

As you are creating your affirmations for a peaceful, loving relationship with your daughter, you have to remember something very important. You cannot create an affirmation on behalf of your daughter. The way affirmations work are personal. You cannot control your daughter and what she says, but you have a CHOICE over how you react to what she says and does.

Right now, I can see that what you need most is love and nurturing. This is a stressful time and it can affect your physical health as well as your mental well being. I am a big fan of meditation. It doesn’t have to be something elaborate. It can be something as simple as five minutes of complete undisturbed time where you are alone with your thoughts…a great time for affirmations!

I love candles and scents, but maybe you have something you enjoy. What I do is put on some soft mood music to calm my nerves – and light some of my favorite scented candles. All phones and external devices are turned OFF… be selfish of this time!! This is a good time for some deep cleansing breaths to relax you. Once you feel you are in a state of peaceful alertness, you can begin your affirmations. If your mind wanders off to stressful, unhappy thoughts, just bring it back to the present moment. With your breathing, you can think to yourself, “I exhale stress” (as you breath out) and when you breath in, “I inhale peace”.

I won’t offer specific affirmations, only you know what resonates with you as helpful. But, focus on healing yourself, because this is your daughters time to work on herself. No matter how much love you have, you cannot make her think or do what you would like. Depression and stress in YOU cannot help her. Take care of yourself. Be a good role model. She will come around!

˚ allowing all good 💗  

Posted on 30/12/2008.

In response to meditatingmama’s post:
MeditatingMama, you sound like you really have learned the art of self-love(: When I read your post, I heard and felt so much love in your words. To you and all of those who are reading (and of course Tracy, who I hope is doing well), I hope 2009 brings about much demonstrative self love so we have more to give to those we love(:

I agree with meditatingmama that you, Tracy need to take care of yourself, pamper yourself a little, so that you are strong and in a position to deal with whatever your daughter is handing out to you. Although it is hard to step back, perhaps that’s what you need to do as well, just a little bit, so that you are not so caught up in her anger and pain. You can still be there for her. It’s very hard when you love someone to see them going through things that you can’t help them with, but as others have said here, just let her know that you love her. I agree with the advice about the emails. You need to create boundaries around what you will and will not put up with and let her know this. That the hate emails are not acceptable. It seems to me that she needs someone to talk with, someone who is not involved emotionally, someone who will help her let go of her hate and anger and see things diffently, is there someone who could do this? Not someone you recommend, she will think you sent her, try and find someone through someone else, someone who doesn’t know either of you. Not sure if this has helped, but I am a mother and grandmother and over the years, my children and a couple of my grandchildren have had varying degrees of anger and pain and been upset with their parents, in one way or another but as others here have said, this too shall pass.

Tracy~ I really would like to know how things are going. Are you doing ok? Are things getting better? Please let us know!!

Hi tracy, how are you. I like meditatingmama would love to hear how you are coping

I copied this is from a book called Life 101. I thought about your post and thought this might be helpful. Definitely a goof first step in improving any situation.

Acceptance.
Acceptance is such an important commodity, some have called it “the first law of personal growth.”

Acceptance is simply seeing something the way it is and saying, “That’s the way it is.”

Acceptance is not approval, consent, permission, authorization, sanction, concurrence, agreement, compliance, sympathy, endorsement, confirmation, support, ratification, assistance, advocating, backing, maintaining, authenticating, reinforcing, cultivating, encouraging, furthering, promoting, aiding, abetting or even liking what is.

Acceptance is saying, “It is what it is, and what is is what is.” Great philosophers from Gertrude Stein (A rose is a rose is a rose”) to Popeye (“I am what I am”) have understood acceptance.

Until we truly accept everything, we can not see clearly. We will always be looking through the filters of “must’s,” “should’s,” “ought-to’s,” and prejudices.

When reality confronts our notion of what reality should be, reality always wins. (Drop something while believing gravity shouldn’t make it fall. It falls anyway.) We don’t like this (that is, we have trouble accepting this), so we either struggle with reality and become upset, or turn away from it and become unconscious. If you find yourself upset or unconscious-or alternating between the two-about something, you might ask yourself, “What am I not accepting about this?”

Acceptance is not a state of passivity or inaction, We are not saying you can’t change the world, right wrongs or replace evil with good. Acceptance is, in fact, the first step to successful action.

If you don’t fully accept a situation precisely the way it is, you will have difficulty changing it. Moreover, if you don’t fully accept the situation, you will never really know if the situation should be changed.

When you accept, you relax; you let go; you become patient. This is an enjoyable (and effective) place for either participation or departure. To stay and struggle (even for fun things: how many times have you tried really hard to have a good time?), or to run away in disgust and/or fear is not the most fulfilling way to live. It is, however, the inevitable result of nonacceptance.

Take a few moments and consider a situation you are not happy with-not your greatest burden in life, just a simple event about which you feel peeved. Now accept everything about the situation. Let it be the way it is. Because, after all, it is that way, is it not? Also, if you accept it, you will feel better about it.

After accepting it, and everything about it, you probably still won’t like it, but you may stop hating and/or fearing it. At worst, you will hate it or fear it less.

In response to themadcookieman’s post:

Hey Jeff, I tried to research the book LIFE 101 and I cannot find it at my local library. Who is the author?

Thanks!!

John-Roger and Peter McWilliams. They did a few books. Life 101, Do It!, and Wealth 101. I like them a lot. There is a friendly simplicity to them. They have so much practical info packed into them. Almost like an encyclopedia of self help! My copies have dog ears and underlined passages and notes in the margins all through them. I know there are a lot of good books out there, but I really like these.

Thanks, Jeff. They must be good. I am on a wait list for all of them at my local library – I’m impressed because these are older books!!

Crickey Tracy … you have been handed some very good and wise adivce there! I would really love to help you as I had a daughter who was exactly the same … we were estranged when she was 14 years old (the estrangement was her choice)… now she is 34 … we’ve had a few hiccup attempts over the years at trying to refresh our relationship, to no avial. However … just before Christmas, she rang me … right out of the blue! We haven’t stopped talking on the phone since! We are closer NOW than I could have ever imagined … If you would like to know what it was I did … get in touch with me and I will respond to you. My daughter had given this grief to me for so many years … I couldn’t take it … I know exactly how you feel, and what you can do about it, but by the time you get through reading all of this wonderful advice; you may not even need my help … lol.
Feel free to contact me anytime if you would like to rid yourself of this terrible burdon!
With love, light and protection,
Jude xxx ooo

If some of you would, please say a prayer for my Sister’s family. Her sister-in-law died today. The circumstances are tragic and I know her family could use the positive energy during this time.

Sending warm love & prayers to you and your family Jeff xxx

To TMCM!
Loved your post about acceptance. I am actually going to print this out – if you dont mind! Not just the words from the book, but your words too. You have a profound outlook which I love.
I want to also wish you and your family love, strength, hope….and acceptance at this hard time. You are such a giver and what you have sown, you WILL reap because you so deserve it.

To Tracy, the author of this thread – I, like others on Bmindful, am sending you positivity, hope and strength. Please let us know how you are getting on…..and much gratitude for starting this thread, because not only have you helped yourself (I hope), you have also helped others reach out for support. This is a great support network as the people here have great advice and loving messages – so you need never feel alone.

To all:
May we continue to grow in this fellowship of strength, hope and wisdom.
A ;o)