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★Learning to let go

Hello wonderful! I hope you’re very well :).

I am asking the Universe, via bmindful.com, for some assistance. I would like to improve my ‘letting go’ skills. This is something, I feel, I need to do to live an even more fulfilling life.

What I’d like to know, is this: how do you let go? What works for you? How do you know when it has worked? What else might be helpful for this journey to be a success?

Thanks so much for reading and posting your thoughts.!
Raylene

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

All kinds of letting go ideas come to mind..One in particular refers to letting go of people..or things I guess..with link broken…will replace…

Letting go is a freeing process.
There needs to be enough healthy self-love that is always a compassionate place for yourself..and more than you have for any person or place or thing in your life. If you care that way for yourself..you’ll want to let go of anything that doesn’t add to your healthy journey.

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

Thank Laurie, I quite like the info you provided. I have thought of detachment as cold and uncaring but I see now that that is an inaccurate view point. I am currently improving my boundaries and it seems like that will tie nicely into detaching myself from troublesome people, places, or things.

Thanks, Sunflower. Hugs!

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

I know it’s a bit of a semantics game, but the dictionary defines detachment as “the action or process of detaching; separation” which is the last thing you want to be doing. You want to become intimate with life, with your circumstances, with things, as it is. A better way of saying the same thing might be ‘non-attachment’. I’ve written about it here and here.

But that’s all just talk, actually practicing non-attachment it is a different story. There’s only one way to do that though, and that is to remain present and literally practice :) Whenever you find yourself wandering off, bring yourself back, don’t beat yourself up about it, don’t get angry or frustrated, accept you’re state as it was and bring yourself back.

This is difficult (perhaps impossible) to maintain, especially when things are hectic and you get swept up into the goings on of everyday life. Daily meditation is a great way to dedicate time to this practice. It’s difficult here too, but it’s a little microcosm, a practice ground for life. All the things that come up in everyday life come up whilst you’re on your meditation cushion, but you’re (hopefully) more aware and intimate with them, can better understand them, relate to them and treat them with compassion, and then let them go.

This understanding and intimacy with things will slowly become more familiar to you and eventually you’ll notice a certain ‘ease’ that has come about as a result of your practice. You can’t hold onto it though, do that and you’ve immediately lost it. It’s just something that’s there sometimes and the more you practice, the more it’s there. Things still get crazy sometimes, but so long as your practicing… :)

“How easy it is in our life, to miss what’s being offered.” — Paul Haller

I tend to have issues when it comes to ‘letting go’ myself. Listening in I pick up new affirmations some of which I add to my list and sometimes I turn around posts to my advantage in order to help me on my quest to become a better person. Laurie….I used you ‘detachmemt’ post earlier today and would like to share with you and everyone here….

I change any point of irritation or fear around me, by letting go of its current meaning or its attachment to myself.

By detaching myself, I become free as to how I want it to be utilizing current resources that I presently have and by making room for more useful resources as they become ready for me and when I become ready for them.

By working within my current resources, I have acceptance for what is and let go of arranging and designing areas in my life that may not be meant to be yet or ever.

I don’t despair over “ “. Ever. I plan for just about anything. I am willing to do lots of footwork from thought to regular consistent action.

I measure what I want and I do the work to get it. I make time to be centered; I keep a vision board up and running. I detach myself from the (complete) outcome and I ready myself for a journey.

I detach myself from the outcome, not because I shouldn’t envision the best. But because the result could be better than my vision. And detaching from the result allows me to be mindful for my journey.

By working within what I have, I can still make dreams come true that are not part of my current work space. By working with what is right here right now, many wonderful things are already present.

I find something good about my current place in life and I use it as a place to work from.

I appreciate myself. I center myself. I change and grow toward making myself a better person.

Thanks Laurie for your thoughts (on lots of things :) ) and for everyone else’s help. Any revisions of Laurie’s turned around detachment post is ok by me.

Raylene,

Keep us informed how different things assist you.. Boundaries can be tough, when you learn them, and others want to invade your personal space. Though the cool thing is..once you establish your boundaries…you can kindly and honestly involve yourself to the degree you choose.

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

Thanks Lee for your post Your take on detachment added another level of understanding. And your meditative approach to the topic(:

  • ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New thread on detachment added

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

Letting go for me is when I have absolute trust and faith in the universe that I will recieve whatever it is I want. That is when letting go comes naturally to me, I just place my order and leave it all up to the universe to provide (by giving me a hint to do something or just provide it or or or)

I admit though that this is quit challenging in some areas of my life.

…what a wonderful world….

In response to Lady_D’s post:
I like what you say: I detach myself from the outcome, not because I shouldn’t envision the best. But because the result could be better than my vision. And detaching from the result allows me to be mindful for my journey.

When I trust in the universe providing whatever it is I want, I also leave it up to the universe the ‘How’ and the exact outcome.

There is the saying ‘Things happen when you are not looking for it’. To me that is letting go.

…what a wonderful world….

Thank you Raylene for this thread. I feel the timing is perfect for me right now.
Lady D, I loved the way you worded and massaged the topic and I will put this in my favorites because I need it NOW.
Aftab, I love your faith and know the comfort it brings.:) Love, Jan

In response to Laurie~LovesFocusingWell’s post:
In response to aftab’s post:
In response to jancydat’s post:
——————
I want to tell you where those thoughts I wrote came from
from my relaxation and vacation. (smiles)

I originally wrote:

You can change any point of irritation or fear around, by letting go of it’s current meaning or attachment to you.

By detaching, you become free how you want it to be..utilizing current resources you presently have and making room for more useful resources as they are ready for you..and you become ready for them.

By working within your current resources, we have acceptance for what is..and let go of arranging and designing areas that may not be meant to be yet or ever.

Don’t despair over the word ever..If you really want something..you can plan for just about anything ..if you are willing to do lots of footwork…from thought to regular consistent action.

Measure what you want..and the work to get it..Do you still want it so badly? If so…make time to be centered, keep that vision board up and running..detach from the (complete) outcome and ready yourself for a journey.

I say detach from the outcome..not because you shouldn’t envision the best..Though because the result could be better your vision. And detaching
from the result allows you to be mindful for the journey.

By working within what is here..you can still make dreams come true..that are not part of your current work space..Though, by working with what is right here right now, many wonderful things may already be present.

If your current place in life is as harsh as you believe it is..Can you find something good about it, while you use it as a place to work from?

Don’t worry be happy. Yes, you might be saying..“easier for you to say” (:
Even when life isn’t where you want it..how often do you really want to be someone other than you? We want to be us..trust me. We want to move forward and enjoy this moment with us in it.

Breathe..
Life and us…are good…someways, all of the time. What needs your appreciation today? What needs your attention toward something new?

Do what you do to center you..And come back and share your insights on being wherever you want to be, and appreciating the entire process.

That’s my take, anyway. What’s yours?
I recently had some time off, and many things I was sorting out in life, came to me as a revelation of sorts.

What that says to me, is when we give ourselves time, to be free in life, we free ourselves of many things.

My vacation is over..though my plan to continue with personal freedoms continue on(:

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

Thanks everyone! I appreciate the time you took to share your thoughts on this thread topic. Hugs :).

In response to Lee Nutter’s post:

Thanks, Lee! What you wrote speaks to my fear of seeming to be ‘coldly detached’ and it brings to my attention that I need to also accept and go with the flow…being in the moment will help with that! Thanks for the validation that this isn’t a black or white thing, it will take time and practice to develop this skill. It can be done though and I love knowing that, I cherish that thought and use it to help me when I feel challenged.

In response to Lady_D’s post:
Great insight, Lady D. I like what you shared…especially: “I detach myself from the (complete) outcome and I ready myself for a journey.
I detach myself from the outcome, not because I shouldn’t envision the best. But because the result could be better than my vision. And detaching from the result allows me to be mindful for my journey.”
Also: “I appreciate myself. I center myself. I change and grow toward making myself a better person.”— what a wonderful mantra and/or affirmation series :). Thank you!

In response to aftab’s post:
Great point, dear. I am noticing that letting go goes hand-in-hand with acceptance, boundaries, trust, and self love. These are some other challenges I have so a wonderful opportunity to work on them as a package. How do you have the fascinating trust that you do? I believe in a Higher Power, that I call the Universe also :). I think self-trust must come before I can trust the Universe and the rest of the world (good to know).

In response to jancydat’s post:
My pleasure :). It is a comfort to me that I am not alone with this one. Best wishes on your journey.

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

In response to Raylene’s post:
You sound like you’re doing better and better each time you post(:

You should be proud of your journey-walk(:

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

Letting Go

——————————————————-

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

Why is letting go so hard???

Its hard to explain my situation without giving away all the details, but I have a major resentment and been upset by a friend.
This is a relationship that I have tried to hang onto for many years and I now wonder why, when she has behaved so unkindly. Certain accusations (such as; that I don’t ask her how she is) – that are so far from the truth tell me that she is bitter and resentful about something other than me and has perhaps been through a lot over the past few years (as have I), either way neither of us really know each other anymore. We are just childhood friends that have simply grown apart and followed very different paths. We are no longer compatible as friends it seems.

I simply need to let go of this relationship as I feel the recent events/arguments happened for a reason. The recent argument has resulted in her not coming to my upcoming wedding. I think this was the wake-up call I needed. I have changed so much in the last 2 years and been through some challenging events, that I havent had her support with – and likewise, as she says, I have not been around for her in the last few years….Its no reason for her to say ‘you don’t care about me, so why should I care about you?’ though is it?? That’s where I feel hurt, because its so untrue. I DO care for her, perhaps too much…or perhaps I am hanging onto someone who doesn’t exist anymore….?

Bmindfullers, help me to let go of this relationship as its causing me pain and negative vibes. The more I think about it – this has always been a negative relationship and I have felt ‘less than’ around her for many years…Its time to LET GO. But its so hard….
P.S: All the posts on this thread target the methods of doing this and I guess I just need to apply them….its just painful…:(

A full and thankful heart..

In response to anoushka’s post:

I could be wrong, in the circumstances you speak of Anoushka, though I believe many people confuse what they do for others with how they think and feel for others.

Giving comes from the heart, with some thought.
To me unhealthy giving comes with a hefty price tag. Unhealthy giving is often unconscious and not a gift at all. Beware of unhealthy givers. They often don’t want to learn to be healthier and they want something from you that unhealthy people always want- your spirit, your life and time/energy that you need.
——
For myself, when someone has needed something in life, and I make a decision to give to them-> the slate is clean for me after doing so. I don’t expect rewards or some sort of payback. But I have expected at various times-> if their behavior looked similar to mine, that they weren’t keeping score either. This is where I blew it. What I’ve realized there..-> there are a lot of unhealthy givers out there.
———————
This, not asking ‘how you are thing’, kind of makes me laugh. Not at you..but it feels typical of the type of taker, or unhealthy person I’m referring to. It’s like I know you’re busy planning a wedding, and you have new responsibilities in your life, but what about me? There is no you..right now “friend”. If I can’t sort out me, there is no you. Be patient. If they can’t, and want to manipulate you by saying..’you don’t care”, “you don’t ask how I am”…then express at this time in my life, I cannot display the side of me that is aware of you..because I need to be mindful of me right now. As Tina Turner said” Love has nothing to do with it. It is called self preservation. A good friend will help properly and give space, support and or prayer.

It was one of my hindsight-lessons in life, to never make anyone all things to you. If you do, you set yourself up, to have them fall off their pedestal quickly. Don’t give to everyone the same things, in the same way, unless you want your gift smashed in your face…sometimes. Some people cannot give or receive love. Some people keep score. Some only love you when you are a cheerleader, or have misery. Choose people who let you be wherever you are. Sometimes we need to be selfish. If you are doing for them, and they are not “on your side”..who takes care of all of your needs? You, my friend, that’s who. Announce it with pride, “I have to take care of me” and “If loving you makes me not take care of me, I need to reassess my walk with you and myself”

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

In response to anoushka’s post:
In response to Laurie~LovesFocusingWell’s post:
Anoushka, I deleted a lot from the above post, I’m just waking, and didn’t want to write a book(: Though on the subject of caring for self-and healthy-selfishness, I believe it is a subject that deserves chat..

I think it is one of the most misunderstood areas in human relationships.

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

In response to Laurie~LovesFocusingWell’s post:
Wow – Laurie. Thank you from the bottom of my heart….
You really ‘see’ things that I didnt expect anyone to see with the little detail I have given about the exact reasons for the argument etc – but somehow you ‘know’ exactly the kind of person she has been in the past – a taker (sad, but true). The reason for the argument was initially asking me to invite her boyfriend (fair enough) then asking for an invite for her mother..(hmm its a little of a struggle, but as my firend means a lot to me, I could stretch the guest list….), then asked if her Dad was invited too…then when I told her I was shocked by her lack of wedding etiquette, and that had I not chased her mum’s invite I would have (should have) taken it as a ‘no’, as we have for others, and that I shouldnt have been chasing the extra invite in the first place – she asked for all three to be removed from the list! And thats when she said the ‘you dont ask about me and my life bit’.
Talk about NOT letting go, I read back on every email I have sent her in the last year to check that this was not the case – and what do you know? All loving and giving messages getting in touch after a long period – and her replies all being with ‘sorry I didnt reply, I have been so busy….etc.

Thanks Laurie for helping me acknowledge my right to be upset – now I CAN move on without regret!!!!

A full and thankful heart..

In response to Laurie~LovesFocusingWell’s post:
This is what I am currently also learning: never make anyone all things to you.
My motto was always: All or nothing. But I am learing that that is not very healthy and actually not necessary at all.

…what a wonderful world….

In response to anoushka’s post:
I believe the fact that you can not let go is that she still means alot to you. Sometimes a bit of distance will help to find back to eachother.
this is only a tiny bit to all that Laurie said :-)

…what a wonderful world….

In response to aftab’s post:
There was a detachment process I had mentioned some thread…can’t remember where. Bottom line, first things 1st. And sorry to say to those who believe in putting others first will not get this..

You put you first..

Detach from others with love..simply means, be true to you in every way possible, and then you will see/know/feel what you want/need/care about/capable of doing and having with others.

And yes like Afi says, doesn’t mean you can’t work your way back to one another. But the operative word is work..

And letting go is not a dismissal of feelings. It is acknowledging them and seeing their relevance in your world. Feelings can be changed..But first know what they are, and see where to begin..with the real you. Gotta run(:

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

In response to anoushka’s post:

I send you much love and positive thoughts. Thanks for sharing this with us. I believe in you.

Big love,
Raylene

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

In response to aftab’s post:

My favourite dysfunction has been all or nothing. I choose to believe that every situation has grey sides. Thank you for posting that comment- we can overcome this wasteful thought :).

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

The beginning of this new year brought up a few people that had to be let go. At first I was very angry at what things had been done to me. Of course with my approval! Then I sat down and wrote down all the things that I felt were wrong and what was my part in it. That took away a lot of the angry feelings I felt. Then it came to me that in the past I kept on picking not just men but women friends who were like my dad.

Then a very lonely feeling came to me because I realized that almost all my friends were that way. Just a few were good and kind people. It occured to me that now I had to learn to slow down an observe before letting these people into my life. Although there are only a few they are worthy of a good friendship and I have been having some fun.

Boundaries was something I did not have and then when the caos started is when this new realization took place. Why was I letting these people hurt me not just once but on several occasions? It woke me up but taught me a lesson. I can still be friendly but now I will stop someone from being a “spiritual vampire” towards me. That doesn’t mean that I will hate them but keep my distance from them. Everyone has the right to live their lives the way they want. For me I chose people who are kind, compassionate. caring and understanding imdividuals. Life has been quiet but now I can speak up for myself without being hateful.

My ex who came back started with the lies and I told him that I no longer felt comfortable with him. He sounded shocked but not hurt. He didn’t think he would ever hear that from me after I allowed him to step on me for seven years. Yes we can change! It made me feel at peace because I let him know how I felt but not in a mean way and that was very freeing. In the great words of Jesus “If the truth will not set you free what will?”

Blessings to all,
Mary

In response to Godscreation’s post:
Thankyou for sharing this Mary – this makes a lot of sense to me right now. Its as if you read my mind. I too have befriended people in the past who today, I would be more reserved about forming relationships with. I guess thats part of getting to know one’s spiritual self and learning the art of self love and protection. I like your ‘spiritual vampire’ comment – visually very strong and makes so much sense i.e those who suck away your spiritual wellbeing and knock you off balance….

I guess that what recently happened is due to the fact that I HAVE changed so much and now I am literally magnetising goodness into my life – may I add….I FOUND AN ABUNDANCE OF GREAT FRIENDS HERE!!! Now you guys are a prime exampe of that magnetism,so why am I focussing on the ONE that I let go of huh??

But like Afi said, perhaps I still care a lot for her – thats true, but time will heal and repair that wound…:)

A full and thankful heart..

Yes, GC, I thank you for your post because it helps further affirm my feelings and my approach to hurtful people in my life. “They” can go on and do their things, but I do not have to put myself in their line of fire. I have to love a niece from afar it’s better that way;) Jan

Ive just had a conversation on the phone with a friend about another friend of mine of made dispariging remarks about my in-laws.

This friend of mine who ive now for 14 years has had an on/off relationship with my eldest brother-in-law for the past 2 years and now theyve split again. She told me she thought his family were disfunctional because they dont express love or buy each other presents (the grandchildren do get presents by the way). when I said Ive always got on with them, her response was that because I didnt come from a loving family i had more in common with them.( I guess if thats the case then my other 2 brother-laws girlfriend/fiance also come from unloving disfunctional families).

Anyway I phoned my other friend to off load my awkward feelings about the conversation and she said she was wrong to say those things to me especially as its my daughters grandparents she was being disrespectful towards.

I told her I felt a bit bad about disagreeing with her today as it her birthday, but like my other friend said she didnt think about how I might feel about her opinions.

I said that I wasnt sure weather this friend would want to stay friends with me anymore and although this diffent friend reassured me that she would I found myself thinking do I care either way.

I cant go by my husbands or in-laws biased view about her but even when I ve mentioned her and her relationship with brother-in-law in confidence with other friends they seem to think shes not as perfect as she`d like me to believe and i only relay things she told me.

enjoy life!

In response to best78’s post:
Firstly, what right does any one have to comment on your upbringing or your parents attitude to giving love…? And secondly, besides all the quite unkind things that she has ‘implied’ and said it doesnt actually sound likes its about you….(if you see what I mean?) Maybe this is ‘her stuff’ and picking on your feelings is her way of airing it… Not to say she is jealous of you, but maybe she is full of resentments that are ‘easier out than in’.

You being the target is unfair, but you have to let it go because its not your ‘stuff’. Does she pretend to be perfect or try to live up to the idea of perfection? Perhaps she a little insecure of herself? Do you think that she knows your in-laws ARE in fact loving and caring people to their grandchildren and daughter in law and son say, but perhaps not to her???

Just like I had to, you mmay have to let this relationship go…has it always been this way? You said yourself…“do I even care?” Great point!!!
Look after you and keep drawing in the positive….if she’s not positive she’ll soon leave the picture as she wont be needed in your life.

You are a wonderful, loving person Best78! We love you here!!! :)

A full and thankful heart..

In response to best78’s post:
Anoushka made a lot of good points.

Dysfunctional is one of the most ignorant buzz words out there. It applies to any non traditional out there. While there are some ideal settings for how life “ could be greater growing up.. and some very definite abusive settings..bottom line—>everyone must find “healthy” patterns for their individual journeys whatever their early conditioning was.

Mental health experts love the dysfunctional stereotypes; it’s how they get paid. Family members and “friends” love the stereotypes it is how they control, and communicate with little effort and compassion.

So forget this gossip, and form your own opinions. And with your loving understanding of things, I’m sure your view will have the wonderful and ‘together’ understanding that you require(:

And in regard to present giving and ways to care for others..totally individual..If someone doesn’t like it..oh well.

Here’s is my gossip for the day..about your friends:
“Gossip is so unhealthy”
________________________________________

  • buzz word doesn’t mean the idea is invalid, it just means….a concept is very broad, and it tends to box/compartmentalize more into it…than it “should”

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

You are all wonderful. Thanks for expanding this thread to make it your own and share your personal stories with us.

Sunshine and hugs!

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

In response to jancydat’s post:
In response to anoushka’s post:

Thank you both for your gratitude that is what I love so much about bmindful. We really reach out to each other. I love to read the posts on so many subjects here and it opens your mind and your heart to new possibilities.

Love Mary

In response to best78’s post:

Many people thrive on gossip instead of using that energy towards something positive. I don’t like admitting this but I have gossiped too usually when I wasn’t doing anything in my life and boredom set in. People find amusement in it. Until they pay the price later.

As far as your friend is concerned who put down you and your family, their is a great saying in the bible that pertains to her. “Before you help remove the splinter from your neighbors eye cast the beam from thine own.” It’s easy to put others down when we are not looking at ourselves.

Laurie said so many great things. I would have to say most people do come from dysfunctional families. We have been brought up in a society that only cares about money and not the welfare of others. Instant gratification and conceit. Don’t let that negativity fool you there are mnany loving people who came from dysfunctional families.

There are a lot of people out there who know about suffering and do not want to see others suffer and they help others. Keep on affirming because now you have awakened your spirit and your gut feelings are helping you see what is good for you and not good. May you continue to be blessed.

Peace,
Mary

In response to Laurie~LovesFocusingWell’s post:
In response to anoushka’s post:
Thank you for your kind comments Anoushka, Youre right no one as the right to comment on a person upbringing. I think my friend just said that I was from a dysfunctional family like she believes my in-laws are to make sense of why I get on with them and she doesnt. I think the reason they havent warmed to her is because she has no job (hasnt worked for a few years) and she started to pressurise my brother-in-law into setting up home with her less than two months into there relationship (neither of them had there own place at the time) she even said to me she wanted them to be living together within 12 months.

Laurie I agree with you that dysfunctional is an ignorant buzz word especially when its refered to families who are just living differently to ones own, its like saying; “you are living differently to me therefore you are wrong”. B t w the other friends I mentioned have no conection with this other person so their oppions are formed by what theyve heard from me and the reason I feel comfortable talking to them is because they are not gossipy types. As for my own opinions? Well to be honest we dont have as much in common as we used to. We live in different towns, Im a married working mother, she left home for the first time 18 months ago at the age of 36. Im not saying thats a bad thing but that we seem to be moving in different circles now and I wonder if she feels the same after all she never calls me anymore and when I spoke to her today the conversation was dominated by how my brother-in-law had lied to her about is finances she never once asked how my daughter was doing at school (who b t w is also her goddaughter) As I take a step back and think about things she said Ive slowly come to realise that she likes to have things her way and if you dont agree with her your in the wrong.

enjoy life!

In response to Godscreation’s post:
I didnt see your post when i was writing my reply but id just like to say youve made some very good points

enjoy life!

In response to Raylene’s post:
Hey Raylene – Thanks for such a wonderful thread that has reached out to all of us in many different ways.Thanks to you we are reaching out for help on what seems to be a similar problem – “Learning to let go!”. Isnt it wonderful how likeminded we all are!?
Where on earth would you find a community like it?
Lee – God bless you!

A full and thankful heart..

In response to anoushka’s post:
In response to Godscreation’s post:
In response to best78’s post:
Just wanted to add more to my reply from last night.

When you quoted the phrase from the bible “before you help remove a splinter from your neighbours eye cast the beam from thine own” I wasnt sure what you meant but since having a conversation with a friend and colleague of mine and my own after thoughts I realise the other friends comments say more about her than me or my family.

Anoushka, so true

enjoy life!

In response to best78’s post:

Exactly! she was putting your family down but not looking at her ownself.

“Dysfunctional families are the product of an emotionally dishonest, shame based, patriarchal society based upon beliefs that do not support Loving self or Loving neighbor.” – Robert Burney

expert John Bradshaw in Bradshaw on the Family wrote: The Functional Family

F ills its function
U understands everyone’s purpose
N nurtures – everyone’s needs are met
C communicates frequently and effectively
T teaches the children what they need to know
I intimacy is available
O open to new ideas
N never punishes by shaming or withholding love
A always seeks to understand each other
L LOVE IS MOST IMPORTANT (including sometimes tough love)
F fights fair
A assists each other (teamwork)
M makes each individual important
I in times of trouble, focuses on solving the problem, support
L lets each member be an individual
Y YOU have the power to be functional, no matter what anyone else is doing

So according to this..it’s true not many come from the perfect family, no matter how much love was intended.

Though the key is—what is done to grow beyond the “mistakes”, and how can the past now have great purpose?

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

In response to Laurie~LovesFocusingWell’s post:
A very clever way of spelling out what a functional family is.

I know I didnt have a perfect upbringing and neither did my husband, but then nor did my now ex bestfriend.

Her mother is/was more loving towards her than my mum had been to me, however although I like to think Im more affectionate with my own daughter being a mother makes me appreciate that my own mother did the best she could.

Most families love in the own way and do the best they can.

One final thing; in december another brother-in-law of mine refused to accept a christmas card my ex friend had sent to him because he didnt like the way she treated his brother, proof that there is love in the family

enjoy life!

In response to anoushka’s post:

Aww thanks, dear!

You have all brought up wonderful personal stories about friends and family.

I wonder if anyone has insight into romantic relationships as well. I am on a self-prescribed ‘man/romance’ detox until my self esteem is higher. I am proud of myself for this. I realize now that until I believe that I deserve the best in a romantic relationship, I will continue to attract and settle on men that aren’t the best fit for me.

However, this is not easy, as you may know. I am finding myself wanting to get attention from me. Ironic, one fellow at my school is giving me the ‘you’re foxy’ eyes but I panic at the thought because I am not yet relationship-ready. I know this ties in my need for self love. I guess, perhaps, I am rushing this process. I can only get the love I need from myself.

Wish me luck, lovely friends. Pretty please.

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

In response to Raylene’s post:
Good luck sweetie. I will let you know once I have the insight ;-) Think the same way as you ………… at the same time wonder if it is the correct way of thinking, or is it not just fear of falling again.
You definitly deserve the best, you have so much love and anyone should be honored to receive it.

…what a wonderful world….

hi Raylene just sending you lots of luch and a hug .I have been single for 11 years – at first i was off men for life – then i thought i wasnt good enough – now im open to meeting someone new but believe they will appear when the times right and until then im sorting out myself .Be kind to yourself and listen to your instincts ,love flowergirl

In response to Raylene’s post:

I don’t know your entire situation, but by listening to your words that describe you, and your desires..I think it’s an absolutely phenomenal idea that you take time to focus on yourself, and what that means to you.

Relationships are detours away from you, if, ..if-> you are looking for a spark of your very own. No matter how loving you feel you are, or want to be..if you don’t feel deserving enough to smother yourself with your very best stuff, (and research and experiment(: ) how to give you the best of the best.., then sharing yourself with another lacks possibilities of healthy stuff.

The “only” way I see this not being the case, is if the man you find, will give you the space to grow and change..while you are ‘becoming’ more to you.

You are a very special person, and the most exciting relationship you can have o the planet is w/yourself. Then when that awesome guy is in your line of focus, he can bring himself, you will bring you, and you will have 3 wonderful relationships happening; 1 with self, 1 with him, and the result will be the 3rd idea —the infamous relationship.

The relationship (in my view) is the product of letting go of the result..because you trust yourself, and you trust him.

The relationship is the result of the effort you both are willing to give to yourselves and one another.

Though 1st and foremost, my opinion, mind you..is the relationship with yourself and your understanding of a loving God (or however you decipher this awesome Creator who gave us this landscape, these choices, our minds, bodies, spiritual sense, our spirit etc (: )

Go for it Raylene..
The joy is all yours(:

PS You are growing in leaps and bounds(:
Today is a great day..keep on going(:

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

In response to Laurie~LovesFocusingWell’s post:

Thank you Laurie! You continue to amaze me (and others, I’m sure) with your insight. You are exactly right. I am doing steps to feel better about me. I strive each day to ignore the nagging voice in my head that tells me ‘I am not enough’ and that all that I do will ‘never be enough.’ This voice is not serving me and I embrace the voice inside of me that says all the wonderful things to me.

Hugs!

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

I want to give credit to where I found this, but I’m unable to find it this moment.
I’ll have it for you soon..

Love Letter

Anyway, it is about writing a letter, you don’t have to send..but helps to free up some possible feelings that might come up when you have “issues” with someone..

1. Anger and blame

I don’t like it when…………. I resent……….. I hate it when…. I’m fed up with……. I’m tired of………..

2. Hurt and sadness

I feel sad when…… I feel hurt because……. I feel awful because…….. I feel disappointed because………..

3. Fear and insecurity

I feel afraid………. I’m afraid that………….. I feel scared because………….. I don’t understand……….

4. Guilt and responsibility

I’m sorry that……. I’m sorry for…….. Please forgive me for……… I didn’t mean to………..

5. Love, forgiveness, understanding and desire

I love you because……….. I love when………. Thank you for……… I understand that…….. I forgive you for……… I want……………

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

In response to Laurie’s post;

You’re helping me out too. Thanks.

I second (or third rather) Lady_D’s sentiments. Laurie – you always offer such great inspiring words.

I was down and out a while ago, but as I move on, I’ve been getting back in touch with myself and nurturing myself, and it’s really been a beautiful thing. In fact, this is the first time I’ve seen myself be sooo patient with myself and compassionate. It’s proof positive of how far I’ve come over the years.

In response to SweetStrongSoul’s post:
In response to Lady_D’s post:
Loving blessings to you both, and always glad to hear when something assists well(:

Because you both are looking for things to move you forward, you will find it everywhere..Could that be an affirmation?

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

In response to Laurie~LovesFocusingWell’s post:
This will be a wonderful thing to try. Wonderful.

In response to Lady_D’s post:
Good point, Lady D! I feel that we are all learning and helping each other out on this site. :). It feels great.

In response to SweetStrongSoul’s post:
I am impressed by how far you have come! You are an inspiration :).

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

Every once in awhile I think of someone’s behavior that I ‘wish’ could be easier to be around..or maybe someone that would just ….
or if they only..

and then I love what happens when I remember: what it means to accept, forgive, detach,love and continue on with love..

I am so grateful for never having to remain stuck, and my reality is really up to me..
__________________________________________________________________________
No hurt feelings here by Amy Turon

What about hurt feelings? Is it OK to have hurt feelings? The truth is that nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think and feel about it.
How do I overcome my hurt? By detaching.

However, I first need to examine whether I played a part in this event. Did I show unkindness or disrespect to another, and they struck back? If so, then I need to correct my fault. If not, then I have no responsibility in the matter. There is no need for me to allow myself to suffer over the actions and reactions of other people. Other adult human beings are not my responsibility, no matter how closely their lives may be intertwined with mine.

My challenge is to let it go, detach from

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

Letting go is one of the most critical things you can do for yourself. We all have been injured by others and by some of our own decisions. To move forward, you have to let go. Don’t carry the weight of what that person did or the regret of a mistake you made. Drop it.

To illustrate this let me paraphrase a koan I enjoy:

Two Buddhist monks had been walking together for quite a while when they came to a stream. Waiting on the shore where the monks chose to cross was a beautiful woman. One monk agreed to pick her up and carry her across.

On the other side he set her down and she thanked him. She then went her way and the monks went theirs. Many hours later when the two monks arrived at their destination the monk who had not carried the woman said to the other, “I don’t think you should have carried that woman. Our practice instructs us to not physically interact with women.”

To which the other monk said, “I set her down on the side of the river. You seem to have carried her since.”
#

Let it go. Drop it. Move on.

HANDLING ATTACHMENT

One man can conquer a thousand times thousand men in battle,
but one who conquers himself is the greatest of conquerors.”
The Dhammapada

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

If you find a good solution and become attached to it, the solution may become your next problem.
Robert Anthony

Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
Anonymous

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Weinberg

Rama Dass
Teacher of Power Meditation

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