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★Using affirmations on others

I’ve already written an article on this, but it continues to come up. In fact, it’s probably the number one question that I receive via email, how can I make my affirmations work on others?

These emails come in two different flavours, the first is “I’m in love with x, how can I use affirmations to make him/her love me back?” and the second is “I’m having problems with person x, how can I make him or her act differently?”

Before I begin I want to say that generally speaking I don’t believe that you affirming something about or on another person is going to be very effective. Whilst I’d love to be proved wrong on this, I continue to steer people away from this type of thinking for two reasons. The first is that I don’t believe it’s possible and the second is that even if it were possible, it’s ethically questionable at best.

So how do I respond to these emails? Well, depending on the tone and “feel” of the email, I’ll respond to these requests in various different ways.

If the request is of the first type, ie I love person x, how can I make him/her love me back? I tell these people to focus on themselves, to get their own lives in order, start looking at how they can make themselves a better person, spend time on some interesting hobbies, put some effort into their work and spend some time with their other friends/making new friends.

Affirmations can work well for all of these endeavours and the funny thing is that once a person builds a new life for themselves one of two things usually happens, they either realise how little they need person x and wind up finding someone better suited or they turn themselves into such an interesting person that person x comes running back to them. (Ironically the person has usually grown so much at this stage that person x doesn’t seem like the catch he or she once was, but that’s another story)

Obviously neither outcome is guaranteed, but my experience says that one or the other happens more often than not. On top of this, affirmations can be used to help you focus on this and give you more confidence and the individual in question usually gets what they are after without actually ‘using affirmations on other people.’

When people write in with the other kind of request, ie I’m having problems with person x, how can I make him or her act differently? I give them slightly different advice, although it is based on the same principle. Namely that you probably will not be successful using affirmations on others, but you CAN use affirmations on yourself and probably get the results you are after.

I tell these people to use affirmations to help change their reactions to the other persons actions. As person x in this instance is usually someone quite close to them the stakes are can be fairly high and so I use this as a motivator for THEM to change, rather than changing the other person.

The funny thing is that again, once the person in question changes the way they react to person x, they usually find that they end up getting what they want anyway. This usually means the person stops harassing or picking on them, gives them more credit for work they’ve done, pays them properly or whatever it might be.

Another thing I usually tell people with the second type of request is to build on the strength of their reality. Spend some time making your reality rock solid and totally unshakable. Once again affirmations can be used here to help with that.

Once a persons reality is really well defined and rock solid, they begin to expect people to react in a certain way and so long as their reality is the stronger of the two (or three, four etc) then they will find that the people involved will wind up acting very much like they had wanted them to in the first place. They become a cause, rather than an effect.

Building on your own reality is a huge topic so I usually only graze the surface when talking about it, but it IS a very effective method of changing the way people relate to you, probably the least important benefit you’ll get out of this incredibly powerful way of conscious change.

Obviously all of this advice seems like hard work compared to simply repeating a few words over and over and expecting results. Unfortunately a lot of people have this idea about affirmations, not just people wanting to use affirmations on others. People expect a quick fix and simply aren’t prepared to put in the effort required. Once again this a very much related discussion but one that requires a thread of its own :)

For now, I turn to you for advice. Have you ever used affirmations on other people? If so how did you go about doing it and what kind of results or changes did you experience?

I’m very open to suggestions, this question comes up a lot and if there is a better way to approach this problem then I’d love to hear it!

“How easy it is in our life, to miss what’s being offered.” — Paul Haller

hi lee,
how r u?
now i understand why u replied me that.
i used affirmation on other person behaviour.and it worked after 2 months.
i believe that if u think positive and your feelings are true from heart than u will get your desired result.i got my desired result .
lee i respect you ,i hope you dnt think otherwise ,im not telling anything to u.i just want to say that it works on other person if ur feelings r true and u think positive.
and lee i want to be your friend forever, will you accept my friendship.
take care

In response to priya’s post:

Hi Priya, thanks for your comment!

I’m always open to being proven wrong, everything I say is based on personal experience and my own current world view. Even Freud has been proven wrong, proven right and you’re unable to prove some of his theories either way.

If you don’t mind talking about it publicly, I’d love you to share your experience! I know for a fact that there are other bmindful users wanting to acheive the same or very similar results, which is the reason I started this thread :)

And of course we can be friends :)

“How easy it is in our life, to miss what’s being offered.” — Paul Haller

as already mentioned by lee strengthening your own reality is critical if you want to be a leader and guide people to higher states of consciousness. people with weak senses of reality will be naturally drawn into the well defined reality of leaders who have strong personal boundarise and high expectations of the people they surround themselves with. when you have a strong sense of reality you can help people grow by complimenting them on qualities they do not have yet because these people will want to live up to your standards.

Lee and Se da luz, I agree with you in how you interpreted “using affirmations on others” .

I believe our seeing the best in others, praying for the best in others, and bringing out the best in others and the expecting of good qualities from others is how we affirm the best in others.

I’ve been amazed what praying for others greatest good has done—. I’ve also been amazed how my viewing the best in others created very good circumstances.

I believe I know what you mean,Lee re: what is ethical and affirmations for others. And Se De luz—I believe I saw a quote that expressed your thoughts—if we believe the best in someone—they seem to rise to the occasion.

Has anyone ever seen the older movie—Trading Places w/Eddie Murphy?
I loved that movie—and feel it exemplifies the point about rising to the occasion. A social experiment was done—and Eddie Murphy was treated as a rich entrepeneur and Dan Akroid (sp?) as a deceitful pauper. In the movie’s reality-these 2 men were treated opposite of their actual conditions—. And the result was their dispositions ended up reflecting this when they were treated contrary to their social status. Eddie became the confident businessman and Dan became a street-theif.

I AM THE automatic
reset for knowing
exactly where to
begin & follow thru
to accomplish everything
I need to accomplish.
Thank you.

I agree with Lee. We have to change ourselves and people respond.
However, can you suggest any self affirmations that will help me rebuild a friendship with this person X. To fill you in- I became very good friends with this person and now we have this superficial Hi-Hello relationship. There were incidents happened and affected us and other people around us causing him to break away the friendship. I overreacted to the whole situation and possibly made it worse. I feel hurt that I caused it to go that far. If I hadn’t said things that I did I still would have had a good friendship with him. but I think I changed his mind about what he thins of me now and pushed him away. May be I am just making this up but I don’t know what to think. I don;t want to talk to him and I am trying to let go and forget everything. I know I can’t change how he thinks about me but what can I do so that i can focus on my self and not worry about what he thinks about me or whether he will ever be my friend again.

Please reply.

To quote from Lee above …

“Building on your own reality is a huge topic so I usually only graze the surface when talking about it, but it IS a very effective method of changing the way people relate to you, probably the least important benefit you’ll get out of this incredibly powerful way of conscious change.”

If I read what you say correctly spark11, it seems that you feel guilty for breaking the friendship. If this is so , you need to reshape your reality so not to feel this way. By using affirmations that employ keywords related to feelings of fulfillment, satisfaction and personal pride this can help change the way you may look at the situation.

If however you decide you want to rekindle the friendship it may be better to use affirmations like – “I surround myself with positive etc people that make me feel … etc”
This way you may bring this person back into your life because there is something you can give to each other. Or you may find a new friend who gives you the resolution and fulfillment you are looking for.

I hope this helps :)

Thank you, This does help. I do need to move on because there might not be a way back to the friendship with this person. I don’t know if this person really cared about the friendship or it was some other motive on his part. I don’t have answers and I can’t ask him either.
Life is a mystery and sometimes things happen for a reason and end for a reason, so everyone tells me. It is easy to say move on but very difficult to act on it.
I can only hope that we can rebuild the burnt bridges and get answers OR I might have to build some new friendships and forget I ever met him.
I am using Love affirmation “Love surrounds me, flows within me and radiates out from me so that all who come into contact with me feel healed and nourished by it.” It does feel good.
I will try some other ones as I get used to affirmations.

Just reading these articles give me lot of insights about my current situation. Thank you.

Haven’t you ever thought about someone just to have the phone ring a few minutes later to find this person on the other end of the line? I have been told that when I focus healing (or love) light energy intently around another person, they can feel it from afar, even thousands of miles away. Jerald Jampolsky (in his book ‘Teach Only Love’ I think) tells about a boy in a coma with no brain activity. The doctors said the boy was brain dead and there was no hope. Yet that very same boy was miraculously healed to full health by many, many thousands continuously joined together in prayer.

All of us have this amazing ability to heal through energy. It is much like using positive affirmations. Mike Dooley says ‘thoughts become things’ . . . our thoughts create. Haven’t you heard the saying… be careful what you wish for, you just might get it?

Whether one believes in a God which can intervene or not . . .Prayer (or energy healing) for others is a form of positive affirmation especially if we pray for that person every night. It can be even more affective if the other person knows you are praying for them and THEY BELIEVE in the power of your prayers. The fact that they know of your efforts and are OPEN to healing/changing their reality gives them more faith in themselves, their ability to heal/change and their own affirmations so, the affirmations work. Even the boy in the coma came from a family who believed in the power of prayer. He was thus unconsciously open to healing. Had he not been, he would have died.

When affirmations are transformed by repetition into beliefs, that’s when we get what we are affirming as our reality… and not a second before. We must believe in something to have it as part of our reality.

My son is having problems getting a job, even though he was top of his class in graduate school. He has asked for prayers so I have just started doing affirmations for him as well as for myself. I feel it has already helped. Blessed be.

In response to themysticlady’s post:
I’m in agreement with you! Excellent post! Thanks for sharing all that you did.

I AM THE automatic
reset for knowing
exactly where to
begin & follow thru
to accomplish everything
I need to accomplish.
Thank you.

This has been an interesting thread, and thank you, Lee, for posting about something that I think might not be said often enough.

There is a tendency, perhaps due to what I call “commercialised” or “pop metaphysics”, which sometimes looks at affirmations as if they are somehow “magical”. There’s nothing magical about affirmations, though. Metaphysical, yes. Scientific, yes. But an affirmation is not a magic spell.

When clients come to me for counseling, and want to know how they can use affirmations, or Spiritual Mind Treatment to win someone’s love, I always explain to them that affirmations only work when they are concerned with the highest good, and affirm truth.

If someone truly loves someone else, then they unconditionally want what’s for the highest good for that person (and for themselves). The affirmation should not, therefore, be to win so-and-so’s heart, because that is an act of objectification of the other person, and is an act of attachment — both of which will ultimately lead to suffering. Instead, they would affirm something along the lines of:

I bless and affirm the “what is” in my life as being exactly what I need right here, right now. I know that “what is” is ever in a state of change. Beyond what I see and perceive is an eternal truth that divine right action is occurring in me, through me and all around me. Therefore, i affirm that love expresses Itself in every experience, and that the people, events and circumstances that I attract into my life are always for the highest good. I affirm that there is One Mind, and that Mind is expressing itself as me. That same Mind expresses itself as (the name of the love interest here). That Mind only manifests those things which are for our Highest Good. Right relationships.. right circumstances… right emotions are my relationships, circumstances and emotions now. I release my affirmation into the Universe, allowing that Creative Word to do its good and perfect work, and return to me abundantly multiplied. And so it is.

Such an affirmation states that only those things which are good, holy, perfect and reflect our divine nature(s) will manifest in our lives. But doing so, we can be certain that if our love interest is truly a love interest, and not someone we are simply infatuated with, lust after or attached to, then they will become part of the healthy and higher relationships we affirm.

This type of approach to affirmation puts some people off, because they don’t really want what’s best for them… they just want what they want. That is a sign of emotional and metaphysical immaturity. And that’s OK… we just affirm that Divine Right Action is guiding them, even now, toward Greater Things.


So it took me about 4 months to come up with something for this thread :-)

I agree with all the points above, additionaly in order to achieve a change in our relationship with someone, we can affirm our opinion about a person. The opinion we have of a person quit often influences our interpretation of their behavior and is the reason for our reactions to the person and their re-reaction to us etc. etc.

My nieces husband is a successful young man and a great husband for her. But my opinion of him was/is that he is a rude, disrespectful and an egoist.
Based on this we quit often get into arguements and I try to avoid him.
This past weekend I knew we will meet, so inspired by the fresh eye thread, I decided to make some affirmations for the weekend, which included affirming my opinion of him: He is charming and has alot of respect for me and we will enjoy eachothers company this weekend.

It worked perfectly. With this affirmation, I gave him a chance to be different. Whereas before he could only prove me right by being rude and disrespectful.

…what a wonderful world….

In response to aftab’s post:

I have just been listening to a book on cd by Lynne McTaggart – “Living The Field”. It talks about how we are all one and our thoughts do affect those around us. Along with situations such as yours, they recommend using it on your children, spouse, etc. It is like an affirmation, yet not. It is more of thinking or expecting the best of them and your thoughts will affect them.

Personally, I don’t believe in making affirmations on behalf of others, especially where relationships are concerned because I’ve never had any success in that matter. Direct communication always works best for me. It’s easier for me to ask my husband for a back rub than to affirm that my husband is giving me a backrub.

I’m glad that your good thoughts worked on your nieces husband. Family is one of those tight ropes we walk out of love.

I am living in many dimensions at once; the appearance of being trapped in time and space is only an illusion.

In response to aftab’s post:
Yaay Aftab! So happy your experience was a good one!
Your affirmation almost sounds like a prayer to have an accepting and loving spirit. That alone, in my opinion is very powerful. It is very possible you were able to bring out the best in him, by bringing the best out in yourself. You may have allowed yourself to start over so much, that you forgave his past behavior and had faith in his future self. True forgiveness and faith very powerful. And when you specifically said you affirmed your opinion of him being charming and having respect for you; that could’ve been a biggy in re: to the above. Just an opinion of mine.

When beginning with fresh eyes, we can trash all the negativity we previously thought. We can start with so much love and acceptance, and it can become absolutely contagious, and petty behaviors of others become insignificant and sometimes nonexistent, somehow. But, in my opinion it starts 100% with us.

I AM THE automatic
reset for knowing
exactly where to
begin & follow thru
to accomplish everything
I need to accomplish.
Thank you.

In response to laurie’s post:
In response to meditatingmama’s post:
Hi Both, thanks for your comments. Exactly what I thought also. Now need to keep up for future references ;-)

…what a wonderful world….

This is a good thread I wanted to bring to the top of the list again.

I’m feeling miserable because my best friend has gone back into the same abusive relationship after being so strong for a couple of months. They have 3 kids, it breaks my heart. I’m surprised at my feelings that I am so angry at her, and I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

I’m trying to pray nice thoughts towards her, I’m trying to pray for her safety and courage, and to dampen my hatred for him (mostly I pray for him to die in a car accident, or various ways to murder him tsk tsk).

I bought up this thread to find an answer when there is no answer, I can’t change her or what she chooses(she must feel right now she has no choices).

“Even if you’re on the right track – you’ll get run over if you just sit there” Will Rogers

She is lucky to have a friend such as you. I ended a friendship once because I couldn’t understand why she stayed in a bad situation and I still miss her. More importantly, maybe your friend needs you very, very much. Be a good friend but take care of yourself as well and believe in the power of prayer.

In response to Vivi used to be focused but now she’s ????‘s post:

Girly, this is a tough one!! It is hard to sit back and watch someone you love do something that is potentially dangerous to herself and the children.

I’m not sure how much you believe in healing white light or positive energy, but as I drift off to sleep (or any quiet moment) – I like to visualize a healing, protective, white light or energy surrounding those I love. I see their faces and bodies and I ask that they be protected and filled with strength and peace. This is particularly helpful to me as my husband travels overseas. Usually within minutes of me visualizing, I get a call from him…so some connection is happening!!

My sister is reading a book on bad relationships. It is called “Is it Love or Addiction”. I’ll have to ask her if it has anything in there that may help you to help her.

I am living in many dimensions at once; the appearance of being trapped in time and space is only an illusion.

In response to Vivi used to be focused but now she’s ????‘s post:
I suppose you can only wish her well and be of support to her when she needs it.
I believe that people get into situations because of a reason, because they need to learn something from it. Or they simply do not know how to get out of the situation and need to learn how to.
The only person who know how to come out of the situation is the person himself.

I have also learned that what I think is the right thing is not necessarily the right thing for another and ofcoarse vise-versa.

Does she believe in affirmations? Maybe you can show her how to love and repect herself more. That way she would not allow being abused.

…what a wonderful world….

Thanks for all your thoughts. I guess all is left now is to pray.

“Even if you’re on the right track – you’ll get run over if you just sit there” Will Rogers

Here’s my take on Affirmations on Others.

1st: I believe that they do work, but maybe not in the way that it is assumed.

Let’s use the Love Paradigm.

First, the belief that love is not being reciprocated is IMHO a projection of the “Fear of Loss”. If you project “Fear of Loss” then your actions anchored in belief will project this fear and the Universe has a way of bringing to fruition any fear projected. Think about the other paradigm, to Love without Attachment. If you love unconditionally “without attachment” the reflection from others will be reflected back. So in reality, an Affirmation to influence others first has to be structured and phrased at a deeply personal level in a way that changes your behavior toward them. Again IMHO we can’t help but be attracted to those who love unconditionally and without attachment. Of course if we are able to change this belief in ourself we are no longer locked into a personal self worth that is dependent on a particular person loving us back. It’s also one of Acceptance (Love) of Self as well as an Acceptance of Others that should in all reality release us from the prison of the need of Acceptance from Others.

Second, is that of the concept of Influence at a Distance and how and why this does work. We are for all intents and purposes parts of a humongous brain. Our thoughts, deeds, and conversations all influence others. Some of this influence is local (within your physical proximity) and other influence is at a distance whether we recognize it or not. In playing with our own personal belief systems we automatically influence the belief systems of those whom we are closest to (emotionally) and those whom we think about the most (in all likelihood the same people). This means that no thought happens in a vacuum. By simply shifting your thought to someone else even for a short period of time you are influencing them by the mere act of thinking about them. Of course we think about ourselves more no matter how much we think about others so there is a competition of thoughts and perceptions. Can we implant thoughts into other people deliberately. I believe so. In affirming anything in our lives we set up a ripple effect that shifts the belief systems of others, however again it comes back to the nature of these affirmations. If these affirmations come from a place of control its likely that they will backfire. You must work on you first. The problem with this is also the fear that if you work on you first that you will lose “that loving feeling” toward the other person which is to some extent the rush of being in love. We tend to love to be in love and as a result we are challenged with the idea of working on self first because of the fear of losing that feeling of love. However if you do work on you first, you have an opportunity to find a love of self and all others that “surpasses understanding”. Fear again tends to raise its ugly head in that we tend to hold onto that which we understand rather then to affirm acceptance of the ultimately love. Magic happens when no fear is present. You can not manifest from a position of fear, because fear itself is a major block in accepting that which is a birthright of the “Children of God” which we all are.

So back to the premise. Can you affirm another person’s love? Yes, however if you haven’t worked on you first it will be temporary at best since your desire for love is probably not coming from the right place.

In response to budoinvestor’s post:
Wonderful post! Welcome to bmindful!

I AM THE automatic
reset for knowing
exactly where to
begin & follow thru
to accomplish everything
I need to accomplish.
Thank you.

Hello ^^
Great thread LEE… I am not the kind of person who would care of what people think of me, especially if it’s a negative talk.

However, what would you do if your dearest person tries to change you?!
I really love my mom and I can understand that she can be critical sometimes because she cares for me and she wants the best for me.

I have my own way of doing things. Many teachers in my life have seen that in me. They always say you’re different than other kids and they do applaud my work and my way of thinking. I don’t know why I am different but I like it this way.

I am almost 25 and still her words shock me to the core. “How could she not know me and her girl!” That was my sentence for a long time =P

Thank God I am an optimistic person. I know she loves me. I want her to have faith in me and believe me. I wouldn’t change a thing in me unless it will help me grow and be a better person. I have changed some flaws in me {that I didn’t like} and hopefully I am growing to be the person that I envision myself to be.

Peace Out

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