Live and Let Live

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Posted on 30/10/2009. Last edited on 19/11/2015.

Rockswealth encouraged me to start a thread about dealing with people.

She stated “I think you are right that we need a thread about dealing with people it is so important to our well being in letting people be themselves and not judge them. I know it is one of the hardest lessons to learn, that we do not have the right to judge what someone else should or should not do, be or have”

On that note, if people are what the infamous ‘it’ is all about, then we all probably have a lot to say how people affect our lives. This thread is about our attempts (successes and conflicts) about allowing others to live and let live.

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Posted on 30/10/2009.

Rockswealth wrote a nice blog re:beliefs and where individuals “allow” their beliefs to form.

To allow ourselves to live and let others do the same, we need to be in touch with ourselves.

It amazes me how many individuals use sarcasm as a way of communicating.
Have you ever noticed when others use that style of expression, centering yourself and detaching from this is necessary to adequately *take care of you?

• taking care of you->(live), and then detaching-> (seeing objectively with love) so the process of acceptance/letting go can enable you to let them be them and you be you.

Through out my life I have dealt with many different types of people, but the main thing I noticed is that almost everyone has an opinion on how someone else should act. What in the world would make us think that we know what is best for someone else, when most of us can not even live our own life to the fullest.

It is purely human nature and most of the time we are not doing this to be nasty, it just is easier for us to see someone else’s mistakes instead of our own.

There is a new energy emerging and that energy is people understanding that in order for others to love you, you need to love you. If we start concentrating on what we are doing in our own lives, everyone
around us will follow suit.

The reason for this is people are attracted to positive energy which is what you will elude when you are satisfied with your own self. You will literally become a magnet and positive things will begin to manifest in your life. Stop trying to tell others what to do and concentrate on you.

Imagine a world of truly positive people, who know who they are and how great they are. It boggles the mind, don’t you think.

The time is now to stop arguing with what has happened and start looking to how it can help you.

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Posted on 06/11/2009.

I love the live and let live quote for..yes..reasons we’ve listed..but another one too…

Often when we love intensely boundaries get blurred, and sometimes it’s not the easiest thing to distinguish when someone is responsible for themselves, and when we are our brothers keeper.

I’m a very permission oriented person for that reason..When I feel the need to assist someone who hasn’t asked I either pray first for the guidance and/or ask if the person would like my assistance in a certain way.

The reason I do this is not only because I don’t want to enable (not want them to become dependent), but also because most people have more insight than we give them credit for. And sometimes being a listener and honoring them in doing things in their way, time and space is really honoring them, and allowing -> the live and let live process, and it takes on a slightly different meaning.

We learn giving in many ways. The above was one of my key lessons in life.

I have come to a point in my life where it is time to let go of negative people because they can sap your energy I do not wish them harm. So what I do is take the good and support that but do not get close enough to have a serious relationship. If it is too negative it’s better to stay away completely. When they start with negative conversations or comments in my mind I say “cancel, cancel” then leave the situation.

In the long run it will keep you happier. People are allowed to do as they wish and if they are negative it’s their choice. My choice is not being around constant negativity. Life has its challenges and we do not know how much time we have on this Earth so I strive to stay happy.

Peace,
Mary

Thank you for this thread girls. I am currently a bit disappointed with my niece. We are only 11 years apart, and generally have/had a good friendship like relationship. Over the years, there were little disappointments here and there, which I have been duelling on. Bringing it up with her never realy helped.
I have come to the conclusion that maybe I am expecting too much and that we have different values for things. And I should not expect the same behavior from her as my owns.
I am though left with the question: Where does one draw the line?

In response to aftab’s post:
Suppose the answer is there is no line. It just gets very difficult when it comes to someone that you love.

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Posted on 07/11/2009.

In response to aftab’s post:
Difficult question without more specifics..

Though generally speaking, you can hate the behavior and still love the person. Though if the behavior truly harms you in anyway than the line is a given. At that point you can tell the person how much you love them, though you need to take some distance because you’re affected by her behavior.

It is actually a gift for that person to get such info from you,because some people never explain with love, and some people who do are nasty about their intentions.. And if you are being harmed you really don’t have to explain.

An easy picture for a possible complex dilemma would be:
Let’s say someone you love more than anything in the world has an awful habit of stomping on your foot, cussing at you and spitting on you all at the same time. Let’s say they never even remember or understand their doing this. Would you keep trying to explain, to get your foot injured, hear obscenities directed at you, or allow being spit on?

Of course not. They don’t have to get it for you to pull away. It’s a courtesy for you to explain. It’s a self-love thing for you to pull away.

Of course this is an exaggerated picture. Just ask yourself are you being harmed? How awful is it? Can you lovingly express yourself? How can you best help yourself, and is it your place or do you truly have the ability to make any part of this “right” before physically detaching? Or can you just detach emotionally and or physically from the situation?
see blog below

In response to laurie- worksout-daily&w/everything she’s got~ ~‘s post:
Love you. You are always a great help. Thank you.

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Posted on 07/11/2009.

In response to aftab’s post:
In response to laurie- worksout-daily&w/everything she’s got~ ~‘s post:
In response to aftab’s post:
Here is a blog on detachment in relationships I found

Hope it helps(:

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Posted on 07/11/2009.

In response to aftab’s post:

Love you too Afi(:

Hope that blog that I found has something good on it for you.

Family is such a touchy area. It is instilled in us from early on that family is everything,but we are never told how to make our loyalty work and not hurt ourselves.

Prayer works. Try the serenity prayer.

Hi Aftab and Laurie! I am struggling with my relationship with my niece. This has been difficult for a long time and now I simply avoid being around her. We live miles apart so it’s usually easy. I am wondering what the lesson is? I know that if she were not family, I would not associate with her. I hate having such negative feelings and feel best when I do not see her. Laurie, I enjoyed and will return to the blog that you provided.

I will remove the power from this situation. I nurture the seed of love in my heart for her. I remain true to myself. I expect her to be kind. I have a LOT of work to do but have the right tools and it is worth the time. ramblin’ jan

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Posted on 08/11/2009.

In response to aftab’s post:
You said it gets very difficult with someone you love.

Just think of it this way if you can watch out for your needs around those you love, you will be that much better taking care of you in every situation.

My nieces’ intolerance and control issues have resulted in rudeness and lack of consideration for myself and other family members. We usually just go “oh, that’s just her way” and “keep the peace”. I have reached a point where I feel that “life is too short” to put myself in a place where I will be uncomfortable because of my feelings. That said, I suppose my feelings are the root of the problem. Aren’t our feelings the voice of our ego? This is what I was referring to when I affirmed that I would remove the power from this situation and nurture the love within.

In response to jancydat’s post:

I have a younger sister who can be disrespectful at times. What I’ve discovered is that we teach people how to treat us. It sounds a little over simplistic.

First of all, I got sick of hearing, “That’s just Pammy. You KNOW how she is.” Her temper flare-ups could make the a forked tongue snake look like a saint.

One day I had enough. I looked her squarely in the eye and with no emotion whatsoever, I told her that I would be more than happy to talk with her when she decided to use her “big girl” manners. I turned and walked away. Of course, it brought on lots of more yelling, etc. I simply became a broken record – not engaging her – just stating I wasn’t talking to her until she was in the right frame of mind. She stomped off with very colorful language.

If she called me on the phone and started her “stuff”, I simply explained that I was hanging up and would be more than happy to speak with her when she could use her “big girl” manners. Then, I followed through. I didn’t pick up the telephone if she played the re-dial game to engage me.

Eventually, she never threw her fits with me. She knows that I won’t engage in her temper tantrums. She does use her manners now. We actually enjoy each other.

Does she throw fits with others? You bet! They still “let” her. :)

Hello MM! It helps me to hear that I’m not alone in this type of relationship. Being a family member – I feel guilty which is an unproductive waste of emotional energy and doesn’t make any sense anyway! Your approach was simple, to the point and effective. I will continue to anticipate a positive outcome and growth. Thank you. Jan

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Posted on 09/11/2009.

In response to meditatingmama’s post:
In response to jancydat’s post:
I agree MM has a great strategy -> No enabling
(:

“When they have learned that there is virtually nothing they can do to reform a troubled person, enablers can take themselves off the hook of blame and place the responsibility for the problem back in the hands of the troubled person”

I think we are all guilty of enabling or having the occasional enabling personality
from time to time because we want to believe a person will change on their own,and or we just don’t want to feel negativity toward others or their behaviors and sometimes we really .. just don’t feel comfortable around things others do, that .. just don’t feel right. And that’s ok to admit(:

Sometimes that feeling that someone isn’t behaving well is not so judgmental as it is just a good observation. And sometimes we need to take action.

MM helped change a behavior of someone she loved, and did it with love (love for herself and the other person)

The behavior change of another cannot be guaranteed, but when done with love (love for self, and the other), chances are better.

You can love the person and despise the behavior. Separating the 2 often relieves your own guilt, and leaves room for good thought and excellent prayer. Prayer for knowing what to do next and what you can change, and the courage to change all you can.
Sounds like a little serenity prayer going on(:

Change doesn’t happen overnight. But, when it gets through their little thick skulls that you will not accept anything less than respect, either they will give you respect or give you distance. Either way, you are better off than dealing with negative energy being hurled at you!!

Sophique brought up thread about writing down what you learned in the past year. That was a great lesson for me. What I have come to learn about myself is the old addage about insanity: “Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results” This is a harsh term to use because many of us do the same thing until we learn.

My older sister who is very manipulating person has hated me from the day I was born because she was the only girl when I came along. She made my life a living hell. I never defended my self against her. At each one of my parents funerals (she was in her 60“s when they passed) she started telling my relatives about how bad and stupid I was so they wouldn’t like me. She did this behind my back and I didn’t have the chance to defend myself. Many years past and now all my relatives love me. My aunt actually said to me Mary you’re nothing like… said you were and did not want to say my sister’s name. Another relative called me and told me it was my sister. My sister did good things too but very little of it.

So I have come to the conclusion that it’s better to keep completely away from her. She is now close to 70 and still has that bossy attitude. My parents made her take care of my brothers and I. She always was angry about that. Yet my parents praised her for everything and it went to her head she was actually spoiled.

She forced me to take care of her children which I did for years and they use to love me but she turned them against me too. She has stuck her nose in her son’s marriage because she doesn’t like his wife. Now they have broken up. She is married a second time and doesn’t like her husbands kids and talked him into making a will and excluding his children from getting anything only her children will have an inheritance.

What is hard is my spirituality doesn’t want to allow me to stay away from her. For me it makes me feel hypocritical to profess love and dislike my sister. But for the sake of my health it is a better thing to do. Not sure how to approach this because I never told her exactly how I felt. It is long overdue. It is coming and I want to be tactful because even though she has had such a negative attitude she is still my sister. I don’t like her character but I do love her.

Part 2

One of my ex-boyfriends called me to see how I was this xmas. We spoke and he tried to act lovey dovey with me. My gut instinct tells me he is in a hurting zone because someone probably left him. So lets go back to old faithful. Brand new me says “only for friendship” most likely not even that. He is not an honest man and uses women. It’s easy to fall into the old trap but Sophique saved me and made me realize I would be acting the same old way. This new year is cleansing for me because it feels good for once in my life that I don’t have to take cruelty from anyone anymore!

hi ,well done for being so strong , i remember someone saying “people treat us the way we let them “ and its stuck in my memory .It is so hard ,especially with family .It sounds as though you want to put all the sadness in the past ,would writting to your sister telling her how you feel be possible ,it might help to write a letter but not post it unless you are sure as words cant be taken back once they are out there .Sometimes just putting it down on paper helps release those feelings .You sound such a loving person ,very kind and fogiving ,please take care of yourself ,and i hope you manage to find peace in your heart .
Regarding your ex – you deseve to be treated with the same kindness that you show to others be strong ,love from flowergirl

Wow, you’re all doing a great job and you’ve all given me a lot to think about. Thank you.

Also, I am grateful to know that I am not alone with this trickiness. I have similar problems- mine are with my father and younger brother.

I have cut my father out of my life until he can treat me with the love and respect I deserve. It hurts but it’s so much better now for me.
As for my brother, I’m struggling. He sounds like some of the nieces I read about. He has lived with us for the last month and may again in the future. I close up against his anger and rudeness. This thread is speaking to me and this is what I hear: let it go. By “it,” I mean let go of the guilt I feel at his behaviour. I was a mean big sister when we were growing up and I have apologized repeatedly. With the release of guilt, I can approach his manner in a more objective way. My next challenge is that he won’t listen to me…he accuses me of taking on a mother role. I don’t know what else I can do. Hmmm. I’ll work it out.

I believe in all of us :).

In response to Raylene’s post:
In response to flowergirl’s post:

Flowergirl thank you for your suggestion. It helps to remove all that anger on paper. Raylene you have the same problem it seems. What started this is the fact that my sister manipulated at breaking up a marriage for her convienience. My nephew has 3 children with his wife. He lost his house because he lost his job. A friend of mine had a good job with great pay and my sister told me not to tell him about that job because she tried to do that before and he told her he liked to find his own work. She never gave me his number.

BS! Any man who has a family wants to protect them. My sister’s husband is sick and she is afraid to be alone. Instead of doing something positive she chose to hurt her son and his children and wife. It isn’t my business yet she gets what she wants. This is the part that is so unfair. If my sister had loved me and tried to treat me like a human being we could have helped each other now. Everything was always about her getting as much attention as she could and she told me I was spoiled. If she had said to me sometime in my life “Mary I am a sorry that I acted so badly” that would have been all I needed to forgive her and get close.

There are so many other terrible things that happened with her but leaving her to God is better for me. My new year will not be spoiled by her. God has a way of teaching us lessons. Writing it down, letting it go and staying away from her seems to be the only solution for my sanity.

Peace and happiness,

Mary

I forgot to mention about my ex he is very much into affirmations and was always studying them. He liked to use women and then talk bad about them. Sometimes we attract people that are like our family. Now I will be very careful to find other people who care about others and the betterment of mankind.

We are doing a wonderful job at being aware of what is going on and what we have control over: ourselves.

We can do it.

In response to Godscreation’s post:

Before you talk to your sister, I have an exercise that may really help you through this time. If you are interested here is the exercise. Now remember this is just an exercise and you should not share it with your sister or anyone else for that matter.

This is a letter that you are going to write to your sister: Start out the letter with – Dear ___________ (name)

Level 1: ANGER

Write down everything that you are angry at her for:

I am angry that ________________________________

List everything that you can think of, you can use whatever language that you want just get it all out and I mean everything that really pisses you off about her and what she does.

Level 2: SADNESS AND HURT

Write down everything she does that hurts you and makes you sad.

I am hurt or sad that ____________________________________

List everything that you think of, for the best results do not proof read and do not worry about spelling, all you want to do is release all the feelings you have been holding on to.

Level 3: FEAR

Write down everything that you are afraid will happen to her if she keeps in this direction.

I am afraid that _________________________________

Be sure and list everything if you can’t think of anything go back to Level 1 and go over the statements, it will show you the fear of the results of her continuing in the same direction.

Level 4: TAKING RESPONSIBILITY, REMORSE AND APOLOGIES

This part can be hard if you are not ready to take responsibility for you part in her behavior and your reactions to it.

I am sorry that ____________________________________

Suggestion: “I am sorry that I can no longer agree with the way you control other people”

You will want to take responsibility for your emotions you feel when around her and things like that. Be honest with yourself on this, no one will ever see it and you will benefit by getting it all out.

Level 5: LOVE, UNDERSTANDING, GRATITUDE AND FORGIVENESS

(THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART AND SHOULD BE AS LONG AS LEVEL 1)

Remember this is for your benefit and no one else. You can start out by understanding that you are two different people and grateful you are to her for showing you how you don’t want to be. Forgive her for her bad attitude and understand that she had no one else to take it out on etc. Be sure you look back on Level one and cover those statements.

Sometimes this can not be done in one sitting, but when you feel it coming out just start writing and your subconscious will do the rest.

After you have finished this exercise let me know how you are feeling and I have a couple of other tricks up my sleeve to release depression, anger and other negative emotions

Be sure and sign your letter Love and your name.

I have used this method to write to people who are no longer around, to God, to a boss anyone who has caused me any kind of trauma.

Remember you are a beautiful person, you are unique and have the right to choose whom you wish to spend time with.

Best of Luck to you
Roxanne

rockswealth Thank you for all this great help and work you put into this post. It is really really good. I believe I will meditate and start this work. Learning to love someone inspite of their cruel behavior is one of the toughest challenges I have to work with.

There is another challenge my ex boyfriend who keeps calling me. He never really wanted to have a serious relationship and was not a trustworthy person although he was there for me when I was hospitalized for a brain aneurysm. I can accept him for a friend only because he was there for me.

We went to lunch and I gave him the latest cd in Spanish that was recorded in the summer. Suddenly he wants to be my talent agent and has already ordered cards to represent me. It through me for a loop because I had told him to hold off on it and he went and did it anyway. He knows that I am thinking about this situation and asked me for my contacts. He moves fast and is very very smart and sadly to say tricky as well.

This two things came up for a reason. However I handle them will make a change in my life.

Blessings,
Mary

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Posted on 03/01/2010. Last edited on 04/01/2010.

Setting boundaries is important in establishing and maintaining healthy relationships. Wouldn’t you say?

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Posted on 28/01/2010.

Letting Go