thread from 2012 -member shared a letter to his therapist about he and his girlfriend:
- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Therapist,
It has been sometime since we last spoke. You may remember me and Lori, as two people who were interned in eternal conflict. For us, the relationship ended badly. That ending forced me to consider my internal struggles.
Recently, I was thinking about a question you asked of me. What is my purpose, you asked. I remember not being able to answer that question; I remember not knowing the meaning of the question itself. Although I may still not know the answer, I have learned that the question may be the essence of my existence and I am devoted to learning the answer.
Through therapy and a good many heartfelt hours of self-examination, I have learned that I did not live with truth. My heart was devoid of any spiritual value. Although I cannot say that I have learned the entire truth, I can say that the truth has challenged me to learn more.
I lived in a world made-up of only fantasies. Fantasies that were designed to protect me from the internal pain I fought. They were my reality and whenever something happened that I didn’t like, I created another to make myself feel better. I didn’t realize that in fact it was love I was seeking and love is not a fantasy.
I believed I could create a world where I was king, where I was loved. I believed that I could replace what I lacked through self-gratification. My life was an enigma and my fantasies were my refuge. I had taught myself to function at remarkably high levels just so I could be emotionally gratified by those around me. I sought acceptance through productivity rather than through self-love. I believed that if I could solve everyone’s problems, everyone would love me.
Recently, I embarked on a quest to create a healthy body. I wanted to create a body where my body fat was ideal or even better, where my BMI was acceptable and one where I had an admirable muscle structure. Remarkably, in a very short time, I had succeeded at such a level that I was chosen as a top 10 semifinalist in a National contest for most improved. In slightly over 12 weeks I had lost over 60 pounds.
Again, I had created a reality based on a fantasy, one where I believed that a healthy body would yield someone who would love me. All along, I thought I was getting “well.” I thought that I was feeling a renewed confidence in myself. A new me that was much better than the old had evolved. I believed that this remarkable success was the pinnacle of my recovery. What I failed to realize is that although physical health is important, it was spiritual health that I lacked.
Recently, I decided to take some time off from work, maybe even make a career change. It seemed that now that I had achieved some level of physical fitness, all that was lacking was an admirable title with a quality company. It seemed that since I had addressed my body but still had not found love, it must be that I or perhaps potential lovers, were unhappy with my career and maybe I needed to change it to something more acceptable, just as I had changed my body.
Yesterday, a dear friend and I were discussing a book we had both read. The author suggested that loving one’s self was the key to spiritual health. She asked of me, “How do I love myself?” I responded in my most typical manner, I threw several hypotheses out to the wind and hoped that I had covered all of the possible answers. While I was busy announcing my suggestions, it occurred to me that I did not know the answer. I had hoped that answering her with clear and concise knowledge, with unwavering certainty and absolute confidence was my opportunity to show her just how loving I could be.
I didn’t sleep well last night. It wasn’t until this morning that I realized how troubling my inability to respond to her was. I pondered her question for hours realizing that despite all of my therapy, all of my physical fitness and all of the things I had done to change, I was still lacking the answer to one question, “what is my purpose.”
My purpose is to love myself by making myself lovable. My purpose is to be honest with myself and to grow spiritually. My purpose is to truly love another while experiencing love in return. My purpose is to never lose sight of that one dream that has proven to be most elusive, love.
I hope this letter finds you well. During our therapy, I fought the idea that I was wrong and perhaps even ill. I could not take a chance of having another deficiency in my world, one that would take endless energy to hide or disguise. You, however, knew that. Perhaps serendipity is possible after all, although, maybe only after all else fails.
Warmest regards,
Your patient
