★Finding yourself while keeping the good things in your life

Hi there
I just wanted to say hello put my thoughts in writing and see what unfolds.
I have been married for the last 6yrs and have 2 kids, 5yrs old and 2yrs old. My life is very tumultuous right now. I am becoming more confident every day and am breaking out of the shell I have built up around myself for the last 4 years since moving to Australia from Ireland. I feel like I am changing and am eager to explore new things but because of these changes I am also beginning to question the strength of my marraige and what i truly want out of life. I am staying in it for the moment because i do not want to hurt my husband or my kids just because I am on a search to find myself. Has anyone gone through/going through a similiar situation?

Hi Netty,

First off, thanks so much for sharing!

This is a complex topic and I’m just writing off the top of my head so hopefully this makes some sense and there’s something useful in it. anyway…

I can see where your fears are coming from, it’s always difficult when you go through a period of growth and feel as if you are kind of leaving people behind. It’s especially difficult when these are your loved ones.

In his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey talks about the three stages of any relationship. They are dependence, independence and interdependence.

You need to reach independence before you can reach interdependence, and it is for this reason that Mel and I have always encouraged independence.

It might seem like a strange thing to do and it’s usually obvious if this isn’t the case, but Mel and I will sometimes check up on each other to make sure we still have our independence. We will be walking down the street and I’ll say to Mel, for whatever reason, if we were to break up tomorrow, would you be OK?

Of course it’s easy to just say yes, but it gives us both something to think about and gives us another excuse to ensure we are on our ‘path’. This also reinforces the fact that we are in this relationship because we WANT to be, not because either of us is dependent on the other.

This might sound a little callous, but it really isn’t.

If there was an issue of dependence (and from your post, it might be an issue with your husband) then we would seriously need to address this.

In any seriously relationship there will be ups and downs and this is to be expected. Asking this question helps Mel and I identify the places where we need to grow. The other benefit of this is that once the issue has been resolved we can once again become interdependent and our synergy will be even greater.

I know these are pretty abstract concepts, but relating them back to your situation, it seems that perhaps in regaining your confidence, you’ve regained independence. This is fantastic! You said ‘just because I am on a search to find myself’ – well, that’s probably the most important search you will ever undertake, and you’ve just made some serious progress!

The thing is that your husband might still be stuck at the dependence stage. Migrating has taken a lot out of him too, but the great thing is that you can now help him regain his independence.

You say you don’t want to hurt your husband, and perhaps this is guilt about the thought of leaving him behind. The chances are though that you can almost definitely bring him with you! Once he becomes independent again you can get back that synergistic interdependence and accomplish great things!

I’m not saying this is always the case, people change and as they do they sometimes grow apart. It’s hard to tell from just your post, but I think that perhaps you’re at the stage where you need to work through this with your husband though. Unless he’s consciously limiting your ability to grow you’ll get through it and both be better for it!

It’s always hard to comment when you don’t know the full story so this is just my opinion and as I said this was a stream of consciousness post. I hope it all made sense and was of some value!

Wow, Lee! That post blew me away!! It was exactly what I needed to hear today and gives me some wonderful thoughts to ponder. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks MM, glad you got something out of it!

Netty (and everyone else that can relate to Netty’s post) you should really read Jude’s post in this thread

All of Covey’s stuff is really wonderful. First things First is definitely worth the read too.

Hi Guys thank you for your feedback have been so busy but know i need to MAKE time for this also.
I think you hit nail on the head Lee when saying all that i need is some freedom and independence to grow within my relationship and my husband is very supportive of me while i do this. It is on a more positive note that I write this and i am moving slowly fowards to where i want to be each day.

Congratulations Netty75. I’m glad you could find some solace :)

I found this post interesting, as I am in the beginning of a dating relationship and am struggling with the “process” of it.

I have been single for more than a year now and have developed a nice sense of independence, but have yearned for company and a relationship that can fill me with more love and such things that come from relationships.

Where I struggle, though, is continuing to maintain an independence and not a dependence on my dating partner to fulfill my needs. For instance, small things like phone calls or little hellos are things that I enjoy giving to my partner to let them know I am thinking about them. I would love to receive these things in return, as I am sure anyone would. However, when I do not get them, I become concerned that my partner is not expereincing the same emotions for me as I for them.

Reading about this independence, interdependence and dependence makes me more aware of where I am in the growth process, but, I’m looking for some support from the brilliant folks here that can help me keep things in perspective. A reminder that not everyone feels and experiences like myself…not everyone will be able to give me what I want, when I want it.

How do I remind myself of this?

˚isn’t it wonderful?  

Posted on 27/06/2018. Last edited on 28/06/2018.

nice discussion thread...

today is the first day of my vacation...and these questions are working for me...

some questions from Brian Tracy:

 Spiritual Development and Inner Peace : How do you organize your inner life and thinking so that you realize your full potential as a human being?Health and Fitness: How do you achieve and maintain high levels of fitness, energy and overall well-being?Personal Growth and Development: How do you identify and acquire the key knowledge and skills that you need to live an extraordinary life?Family and Personal Life: How do you achieve balance between external success and your personal relationships? Money and Investments: How do you get your financial life under control and achieve financial independence? Social and community activities: How do you structure your life so that you make a real difference in the world and leave a lasting legacy? Business and Career: How do you become extremely successful and satisfied and move to the top of your field?

_{BRIAN TRACY
Author and Speaker
Chairman and CEO of
Brian Tracy International
BOOK: Focal Point}

_{When I scan the above questions -much feeling and thought arises...}

_{For example with the first area: Spiritual Development and Inner Peace : How do you organize your inner life and thinking so that you realize your full potential as a human being?}

_{This next one... I love too!}

_{Health and Fitness: How do you achieve and maintain high levels of fitness, energy and overall well-being?}

_{note to self to c'mon back(:}