★--Love-The Master Key (Happiness Meeting)

Welcome to Bmindful’s Happiness Meeting:
Topic Letting Go With Love/Love Is The Master Key
Thread Mtg Originally Created Feb 24, 2015 -Though never closes!

 

And remember the thread never closes, so you can return to focus on the topic ANYTIME!!

 

 

 

Sometimes it is just hard to allow things to be okay. When I see or hear someone putting another down, I instinctively want to intervene and let that negative person know they are being unkind. I think it all stems back to when I was a young boy and another student would always verbally and physically abuse me. It wasn’t extreme abuse, just constantly irritating things like pretending to draw on the back of my shirt, or whispering to me that I stink, or accidentally bumping my desk during handwriting, or about hundred other things he did to irritate me. I was the type of kid that was easy going and I would never bother the teacher or tell my parents about it. This went on for a couple of years. Now that I am older, I still get irritated when I see people treating others as though they were invisible, hear ugly things being said about people… especially when that other person is my wife’s mother. My mother-in -law is getting quite old and has an odd way of showing us the love…Her memory is failing and she has a touch of dementia. She has a real knack of turning anything positive into something negative. It is sad to see her so unhappy and equally sad to see her daughter take her abuse and still try desperately to care for her. I’m often caught in the middle and am the target of the dreaded mother-in-law. So this weeks focus is allowing, letting go, and working with love. All thoughts, advice, and similar topics are welcome. Please feel free to join in the discussion.

 

1.  When dealing with difficult life problems how do you work through them with love? 
2.  With what you know in the world of creating our lives with ease, how do you ‘allow’ …when people who are close to you are incapable of demonstrating kindness…cannot be communicative and simply lash out?
3.  What thought process does one go through before you allow your heart to change? Denial? Anger? Fear? Courage to change?
4.  How do you care for your self so caring for those you love become something you appreciate?

 

 

In response to Poppy’s post: a quote and couple of article excerpts.

Quote Take the Significance Out: It’s not the problem that causes the internal energy drain, as much as it’s the stored significance we assign to the problem. Just realizing it’s not the issue itself that is causing the discomfort, but rather the emotional significance or importance, helps to take out some of the significance. Heartmath

article excerpt  STRESS REDUCTION TECHNIQUES FOR THE FAMILY CAREGIVER _{by HeartMath} From FamilyCaregiver’s Guide To Coping With Stress~***
Q: So help me get started. I feel like I am constantly under pressure caring for my loved one and my levels of stress seem to be forever increasing. What do I do first?
A: We recommend starting with an easy to learn technique that has helped many people just like you. It’s called Notice and Ease™.
It is designed to help you ease out any stressful emotions and stop the emotional drain that results from the stress of caring for a loved one.
In order to shift out of the feeling of constant pressure, you first need to identify what you are feeling. By slowing down the emotional energy running through your system, you’re better able to identify whether it is worry, anxiety, hurt, frustration, etc.
Here are the steps:
1. Shift your focus to the area around your heart. Now feel your breath
coming in through your heart area.
2. Notice and admit what you are feeling.
3. Try to name the feeling.
4. As you gently focus your attention in the area of your heart, relax
as you breathe and tell yourself to e-a-s-e as you exhale. Continue to
exhale e-a-s-e until you feel calm./After a few attempts using this technique you will almost immediately feel calmer, more in control and better able to handle difficult situations.
Lessons from the Heart

http://www.pbs.org/bodyandsoul/203/heartmath.htm

• • 
    _{1: THE ❤HEART: OUR NEWEST FRONTIER
    Chapter 1 : The Personal Energy Crisis and 7 Recommendations to enjoy bountiful vibrant energy ~Dr. Nathalie Campeau}
    [“We are living today the worst energy crisis the world has ever experienced: the personal energy crisis. The natural resource that we are depleting most dramatically is the human capital of the planet. During the last decades, we have learned to manage our time, our stress, our money and even difficult people. It is now urgent that we learn to manage our personal energy. Our survival as a specie depends on it”]
  • Recommendations to enjoy bountiful vibrant energy*
    Identify what makes you happy, what gives you wings, what you’re passionate about./Let your values be your driving force, not your fears nor your guild & shame./Love yourself enough to stay focused on your personal vision & mission./Respect yourself enough to prioritize your energy and well being./ Do not tolerate abuses and unacceptable behaviors
    Have the courage to take responsibility for your life choices and to resist all deterrents to the realization of your dreams./Develop your emotional intelligence and learn to utilize your heart emotions as the driving force to transform your life. Emotions are the motor behind your thoughts./ ***Be aware that Love is your ultimate source of energy*** and act accordingly.
  • ~

 

• ~

Learning to love and accept ourselves is basic to human education. So is learning to language emotion in a positive way. Ultimately when we learn to truly love and accept ourselves, we’ll be able to live well and love each other and every thing we encounter. _{Barbara Hoberman Levine, Your Body Believes Every Word You Say}

Managing our emotions increases intuition and clarity. It helps us self-regulate our brain chemicals and internal hormones. It gives us natural highs, the real fountain of youth we’ve been searching for. It enables us to drink from elixirs locked within our cells, just waiting for us to discover them. _{Doc Childre}

Heartfelt positive feelings create far more than a healthy psychological effect. They fortify our internal energy systems and nourish the body right down to the cellular level. For that reason, we like to think of these emotions as “quantum nutrients. _{Doc Childre and Howard Martin}

• • ~
    My responses for myself:
    ²With what you know in the world of creating our lives with ease, how do you ‘allow’ …when people who are close to you are incapable of demonstrating kindness…cannot be communicative and simply lash out?

 

In general, it’s not a fun experience when anyone is being unkind, uncommunicative, or lashes out… This is especially true when you’ve formed a positive relationship at one time, and all of a sudden … you’re experiencing something that feels hurtful.

I guess for myself, when someone who I’ve formed a bond with seems inconsistent with the person I’ve come to know… I tend to look at myself first. What part did I play? I have to be cautious with this…because I can start to live there… because there is always a better way to be in hindsight. And to skip the woulda coulda shoulda’s … if the person is capable of honest communication, and (I’m believing) they aren’t ‘in it’ to create harm… I will express what I think, what I feel… and given an opportunity apologize where I’m wrong. I do utilize faith & love in my life. And if it feels bad… or it doesn’t…anymore > I observe what I’m feeling and try to learn a bit from it as it comes to me…and knowing surrendering to a loving God, works for me. It’s a process. Though all things in life are.(:

[4] ***How do you care for your self so caring for those you love become something you appreciate?*** Now this is a favorite focus of mine…Let me find words to articulate the experience… It is a given in my household… that we know works… We have (almost) nothing to bring to the table if we aren’t genuinely taking care of ourselves. Are we ***perfect*** at it…nope! We love to work at it though(:

I believe most of us want to be taken care of… to some degree…

This is especially true if you came from a family where someone/anyone nurtured well or if there is some kind of void.

We want to feel good…yes!

Though…people are so cool at giving and loving/being when they step up to take care of their basic needs….& listen to what is missing and healthily give the gifts they know they love and would honestly prosper from to themselves…. we can then receive from others … & it becomes the infamous delectable icing on the cake… that tops everything off so nicely.

Of course there will be times…where we need a hand at being… accepting…nurturing… And as long as we take on selfcare with love rather than a job… all gets better better better all the time… and then we can better ask when we need some support of some kind… with those we trust when we are in the habit of loving ourselves well(:

~~~~~~

Wish

Hope

Faith

Acceptance

Joy

Love

Wisdom

Participation
Sacred Impulses

Copyright © 2001 – 2014 Joseph Naft. All rights reserved

I wake up today with strength in my heart and clarity in my mind.

Emotions and activities come and go and I am ever in the flow as I need and desire to be

I am lovingly strong gentle and capable

 

I receive and give, easily and effortlessly and all is well!

 


Goodness and joy are mine in all situations.

I live in joy and gratitude for the goodness that fills my life.

I am thankful for the personal awareness and insights I am allowing into my heart-consciousness of this profound ‘mystery of life’.

• ~

I clearly communicate my needs and take the time necessary to appreciate my own energy, know my true self, and grow spiritually. I am abundantly blessed and happy as I express the beauty and creativity of my heart.

I free my heart from any & all emotional debris.

• • 
    _{more Affirmations
      My perceptions are clear. I think clearly. I naturally make the right decisions. I see the big picture. I am an insightful person. I intuitively know the best decisions to make. My mind works quickly. I expect the best. .I am sensitive and perceptive to subtle cues. ~Jonathan Parker}

I allow my mind’s eye to purify my perceptions. I give myself permission to experience Divine Joy

[1] When dealing with difficult life problems how do you work through them with love?

I try to listen, listen, listen if it’s other people’s problem and ask questions to get to root causes. It’s usually not obvious what is causing the problem. Others report symptoms. It is difficult to separate me from my emotions and …VIOLA! .. I’m only reporting symptoms in my introduction. No wonder I ask this question. I am thinking I might consider asking my heart and not my mind to work on my mother in law. Still, other perspectives are much appreciated.

In response to Poppy’s post:
In response to Poppy’s post:

In regard to your mom-in law and hurtful ways…and dementia etc…
I’d like to use an analogy when others are disappointed by behaviors of people that …‘let them down’.

If you went into a bar.. would you ask a sloppy drunk for good advice? Would you ask them about how,why, what they need…and hear only their literal response?

Probably not. When others have proven they have become incapable of caring about your caring… then its probably time to listen to them a bit differently. Thoughts?

It sounds like the family needs to grieve for the mom, they once knew…or are wishing for. Find humor … When you are attacked by a loved one… and it makes no sense… Ask yourself if the opinion she is offering is coming from someone that can come from a heart-place today?

Make her laugh. If she says you look heavy… pump up your cheeks…and say wow…you may have something there. (or actually … I agree…whatever works). If she doesn’t like what you’re wearing… say you’re getting your wear out of it …because its about to go. If she can’t remember things… Think of the best thing she can remember…and find ways to talk about it. Its a sad time for everyone. Though with your disposition-you will bring smiles back and expectations will be altered to create better scenarios. Thoughts?

In response to Joyful-Self-CareFocus’s post:
If I went into a bar and asked a sloppy drunk for good advice, I’d have to be sloppy drunk! They would need another drink and so would I. I do see what you are saying. My mother in law is incapable of caring about our caring. (Now that I’ve written that last sentence in my mind with permanent marker, three times, in color, I’ll continue.) Our sadness, disappointment, and hurt feelings are a result of our expectations. We will need to adopt a mantra of No Expectations when it comes to mother in law. Especially when she ( mother in law tells my wife with her new hair cut that she looks like someone put a bowl on her head and cut around it).

In response to Poppy’s post:
Poppy You are brilliant…

For me, there is not greater topic than LOVE…
There are two or three other topics: Faith, Hope and Courage…

In your first comment, I just want to reflect back to you my one little glimmer of wisdom.

When I encounter people and their burden/s, I understand several aspects. We are defined by our burden/s. These give us a measure of form and identity. We relate to others through our experiences. Thus, “been there, done that”.

These burdens are necessary. We need these experiences. Through them, we encounter our Selves. We are still creating our identity through our experiences.

…Through our experiences , we encounter our Selves. We are still creating our identity through our experiences. very nice,

• ~
  affirmation Under all circumstances, I Love myself unconditionally and demonstrate love with contentment & peace.

(I moved my responses to to top of thread…)

• ~
  In response to Poppy’s post:
  Knowing you Poppy… you will be teaching us something powerful from this experience(:

In response to Poppy’s post:
Poppy,

Please forgive me, I did not fully read your first post, and I was interrupted, and then I responded.

I have re-read your first post, and its a whole new meaning.

I understand all that you said. Its amazing how kids bully and are so incredibly mean.

And the mother in law, with dementia, that is also very challenging, because with dementia, their personality is lost, and in the end stages, paranoia is a hallmark. Thank and sundowners, as in when the sun goes down, they get really confused and they get agitated and do not recognize their home, and try to leave. And, they can’t be left alone, due to safety.

Your question: How do you work through them with love?

Great question. For me, I try to look at this through the lens of Love. We are all God’s children. And, all roads lead to God. And that is my beacon of light. I try to treat others with dignity, just as I would want some one to do for me.

Its not easy. Care giver burn out is truly an exhausting ordeal. The most immediate thing to do, is to schedule someone to come in and take a shift like a 4 to 6 hour block of time so you can get a break. And remember to take care of yourself at least as much as you take care of others.

There is so much healthy information in this thread. It is so easy to get caught up in an emotional reaction to problems that it is hard to see and think clearly. I so appreciate the resources and heart felt advice from Focus &Smiles and Kathi. Thank You!

As I continued to think about letting go as the master key to happiness, I have tried to put my thoughts/story in condensed form. As Kathi said, through our experiences, we encounter ourselves. I a still creating my identity…

Slippery Slope

Softly closing eyes
Yesterday’s shadows
Drift into focus
I’m a child again

Running amongst trees
Between closely packed houses
Defying neighbor warnings
Keep out
Free and daring
Living for the moment

Worldly weight
Parents shouldered
Floating in space and time

Drifting down
A deep slumber
Dawning morning
Today’s problems
Now mine

Oldster ancestor
Loosing facilities
Once fiercely independent.
Reduced angry babble
Spews into
A fountain of youth

Caretakers caution
Denial to acceptance
Journey profound
Hopeful hearts
Finding a way

Earfuls of lack
Abilities stripped
Cruelties of age
Fills the fountain

Fountain drainage
Surely must be
Letting it go

Recharge your heart
I say to thee
Love must re-root
Happiness to be

Hope resides
By changing expectations
From hurt -To humor
Heart connections
Re-established
Loving

In response to Poppy’s post:

Very beautifully spoken Poppy.

I was taken in your first three words, immediately transported onto the voyage of your heart felt words! You have a real gift of the pen; “…cruelities of age”…

Dementia is relentless. I wish research was zeroing in on a cure.
And, I wish that her innocence was preserved, and the loss of her personality could be reversed. Nobody would want this, and it is compounded by inflicting this condition on your loved ones.

In response to Kathi’s post:
Thanks Kathi!

Like most of my prose/poetry, I write them for me and originally had no intention of sharing. Now, I only hope my thoughts in relation to my own life, resonate in some small way for others. You are very kind.

In response to Poppy’s post:
Most definitely Poppy-your poem was for you…though could be felt by someone who knows someone affected by this illness. My mentor … who also was like a 2nd mom to me has severe dementia. This was someone who was huge in assisting others with this condition… and now this is her life. Just last week she was situated in a special facility…because paid helpers and family could no longer care for her.

When I first visited her by her family… for moments in beginning… I had to go through a quick grieving process… because that was not the lady I knew.

Literally moments later after we shared with each other… there was no recall. I was glad she remembered the ‘old days’ … because my focus went from my grieving to repeating the same story that made her laugh all eve.

It is sad indeed… Though, while my story is different from yours… I still had to not see her as I remembered …and get to know what I could of her today. I won’t continue… though I will say the heart felt transitions you share in your poem…. did assist me, and I thank you.

This is the plight of my mother in law, and my hope that she will be able to unlock her self imposed prison as she refuses to participate in life. The disease cannot be reversed. I can’t expect her to change. As Joel Olsteen says, I need to drop it, leave it, and let it go. I can’t move forward by looking back. I can remain kind and loving despite her condition.

When your heart gates are closed
No happiness can enter
To tap at your door
The phone or doorbell never rings
And e-mails never bing.

You sit alone when no one comes
You sit alone when anyone comes
A silent life engulfs your ears
A teardrop falls unheard

At night you rage and roam about
You mind is full of self doubt
The morning comes without a word
You sit alone screaming unheard

Days pass until you melt
In anger, to love ones you belt
Staying away is their reply
When you talk of going to die

When your heart gates are closed
Search frantically for the key
Deep inside press the lock
To open your world
From your prison block.

Happiness is just a thought away
Open your heart
Come out and play.

Although this poem is overly optimistic in relation to dementia, I trust it applies to times when I have harbored resentment, and disappointment and I didn’t have the intelligence to drop it, leave it and let it go.