I wrote this 8 years ago when I was battling inner demons I call them, meaning many deep dark thoughts, let me know please do so if this is not appropriate for here??
I have many writings more positive than this one just wanted to share it as how I was viewing all matters and working desperately through a very rough time it has been 8 years and I am stable have peace with in and etc..“FOCUSING ON ONE’S SELF”
I must admit focusing on one’s self is not an easy thing to do.
I constantly am preaching to my son, about the words we say, simple words, really do not, at any age, give that good intention, or impression that we sometimes are trying to show, exhibit, or be.
As we age as well it is the “action”(s) that speak louder than the words! Now meaning with that is sometimes there are too many words to define what we are? I think I have to, or know I do “Stop” as I tell him with the “words” and start the Action of what the words mean.
This may not make sense to you, but, what I am getting at is there are so many characteristics in each one of us and within me, I have been for a couple years, maybe longer saying to myself :
“Wow, where did that go?”
When I say “where did that go?” I am meaning a part of me, the action in myself, of how, and what I did, I usually dismiss this and say “we all change” but we do really remain the same.
I think for myself I have a fight, and battling is really not a strong suit for me, maybe when I was younger, I could debate the good fight, in word, outward, did not matter!
Once were, or what was there, is still just that, there inside of me, and us, if this applies to you? I am talking about character, I always said “nothing is going to hurt nor touch me the way this or that did!”
That I think was a lie to myself to get me through perhaps whatever it was at the time, I have come to think that how long am I going to think about what “once was” when I can simply, well maybe not so simply, “dig it out” of me, I use to define myself, the whole me, according to how much, or what I was, by titling that with my job.
Now without a job for 7 years, that Anniversary of January year 2000′, I feel, and see, that you do not have to per say make money without a title of, or from a job, you, no one is defined that simply, it is all about for me, the matters of my heart. I am very happy to come to this point, finally, with in myself, but at the same time scared as heck about what I am going to have to face in that mirror, and the work I am going to have to do to, let’s just say to “reinvent” myself, yea, that makes sense to me, I like that!
I am using the word “dig” because once a seed within me, was once blooming, and has now like turned to “weeds”, weeds spreading in word, and the blossoming of the petals that once were have stopped, just stopped growing. If I dig, I think, I hope, I am, or ( we ) will find it, eventually with all the work, and the exhaustion of digging, and the faith of anything, doesn’t have to be Religious, just faith within ourselves, or me anyways I can be, or have that “characteristic” ( s ) back to the front of my mind!
The weird thing I use to do, to basically not have to deal with any given situation is to lock it away, strange as that sounds it worked for a very, very long time for me, not anymore. Now that can be of a good thing, or bad, it is all up to me!
The basic point is within myself those things I would “miss”, or say “wow, where did that go” is still here. I have to work to get it out, and that all depends upon, just like anything else, how much do I want it, with me everything, and anything has got to come from my heart. I think, if the passion is there for it, along with the drive, anyone can achieve? In fact, I basically have absolutely no drive without the passion in my heart.
I wonder if we are all wired in that same way?
Somehow, I don’t understand how, but that somehow within me changed, no body’s to blame, not even myself, but it was as if I got lost per say inside, strange enough that can happen. I come to realize all of the time I took to lock away all the negative aspects in my life in any given situation, relationship, and etc… basically in my mind just blew up.
“This is what I would do, & say”
“Okay, where did that come from, this won’t hurt me, they are words, they will only affect me if I allow them too,”
Then to take extra precaution to not get hurt, nor let that back into my life, I would unlock the door that lead to the back of my mind, I pictured it as a “huge” storage Closet!
I would get out that ever so heavy Key, open up the closet, where there were many, many shelves, filled with boxes, all were of bad memories or any sort of negative words towards and about me purposely to hurt.
Mostly memories in which my mind blocked as too Traumatic to remember, our Mind is a powerful “tool,” I like to call it, the mind has a way of protecting the bad out of our memory! Pretty cool to me.
Negative words spoken, or memories I blocked that could harm me and disrupt my life and that of others in it, close to me!
I would remove a box from the many shelves within the closet, grab it, open up the lid that was sealed tight, take the lid off, and put the words, negativity, etc. in that box, along with the hurt feelings! Then I would put the lid back on the box, put it back on the shelf, and quickly close and Lock that Door!
“Just simply weird I know.” LOL
Like I said though, it worked, we all have so many different coping techniques, mechanisms, no matter what the word, they all mean the same, I would rather simplify my words, and use that extra energy to put those words into “Action.”
I am expressing this here like this, because writing has always helped me,
“Get it on paper Jan, get it out, and it won’t hurt as much”
Well that is a hunk of bologna, cause no matter how much I “want” to deny the fact of being a (highly) sensitive woman, because of what I have been through in childhood, that is just not right, it sounds to me as an excuse of sorts, because we all have a story to tell, what we went through, seen, heard, smelt, etc..
My father being, or I should say acting the part of a Pillar of Strength, kind of made me realize that he was not as strong as perceived to be, and that is/ was okay!
My husband God Bless him doesn’t understand any of this but it is what it is, it’s just ME! jmrPS/ Like I said I was healing at the time if this is not appropritate I apologize ahead of time?????????????
LOL Peace Jan
Have Faith
Give More
Expect Less
Be true to you :)
“Every struggle in your life has shaped you into the person you are today. Be thankful for the hard times, they can only make you
stronger!”