★lost my way for a while

Has anyone else wandered away from the affirmations path and suddenly realised how far away you have gone .This has happened to me this week and i have copied a couple of my posts from other places
Iapologise for whats going to be a long post ,but there is positivity at the end .
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this was posted a few days ago.

health plan
daily walk
lots of water
gradually replace tea with herbal teas
replace junk food with fresh healthy stuff
keep taking vegan supplemnents -like fish oil but vegan-good for heart/brain.
start yoga
meditate
take flower essences
see bowen treatment lady monthly
write in journal
volunteer at hospice and hospice charity shop
do more crafts and less pc and tv -given up tv for lent .
start s n h s courses

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then this one was what came tumbling out yesterday morning

today to be the turning point for feeling like this .

Edit why is is it we find it so hard to see ourselves as others do – you know the feeling ,you are asked to list your positive and negative parts of yourself and the negative is easy the words tumble out without even thinking and then you come to the positive and sit there chewing your pen and searching for things to write .

For a long time i have felt self loathing especially as i feel my actions have hurt my loved ones .There is huge guilt for 4 things

1)the behaviour my childrens dad inflicted on them before we seperated

2)moving into this area where its rough – not a nice place for kids to grow up

3) not spending more time with my mum in her last few months ,my daughter was admitted to an eating disorders unit an hour away from being sectioned and would only agree to going in if i promised to visit every day which i did .This meant i was out from 11 a m – 7.30 pm and as mum lived 2 hours away on buses etc and the unit was 2+ hours away from home in the other direction i hardly saw her for 5 months ,we spoke every night on the phone .Then because mum was admitted to hospital my daughter persuaded them to release her early ,she was still self harming ,struggling to eat and easily tired as well as having panic attacks so i had to take her with me to visit mum as i couldnt leave her alone and the journey exhausted her -it also worried mum seeing her still very thin .Mum was home after a couple of weeks and my brother went most days and then she was admitted to hospital again a couple of months later and died after a month in there .I visited about 3 times a week and saw her twice the day before she died ,my last words were “ i love you lots “ and she said “i know you do and i love you lots “ but i feel so guilty and sad that i didnt spend more time with her.

What makes it worse is i know she wouldnt want me to feel like this .

4)being such a miserable cow because of depression,tiredness etc – they are the words of my self talk ( others think im cheerfull ).My lovely kids live in such a cluttered home .I feel a failure because i have been on benefits as a single mum and unable to go out to work because of illness and no child care .

this is the first time i have admitted some of this .I realised mum and my kids would be hurt so much if someone they loved a lot thought so badly of themselves .That inner vioce tells me im a waste of space,lazy,useless,a failure,a unmotivated single mum stuck on as council estate .No one sees the tears that fall every day – and no one hears that horrible voive that talks to me .Im going to post this quick before i change my mind and keep it to myself forever because if i dont it will go on hurting me for ever
So sorry if i sound a right misery ,love and hugs flowergirl

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then there is this one from about a week ago

“ I was so lucky ,mum was always there for us ,its an awfull feeling isnt it when you have no one to go to just someone to give you a hug and say its ok .Im realising its time i stepped up to the mark as the Matriarc ( thats spelt wrong but you know what i mean – the senior female )I have felt so lost thinking _ who do i turn to – but realising i have the inner strength of my ancestors ,my belief in angels and the kindness of the universe to support me and i ask myself what kind of role model do i want to be .

Up to writing this morning i felt there were 2 options ,become very strong and support everyone and stop allowing myself to be depressed ,put up with pain,illness etc as i need to care for my daughter and once again it feels as though my healing time must wait
or
basically crack up and fall apart and look forwards to a few months rest in a psychiatric hospital ( im not joking either )

There is a 3rd option that im choosing .Dont try to step into others shoes-mum,nan .and dont shuffle around in scuffy slippers – wear beaded flip flops with flowers,bells on ( the foot wear is a metaphor – is that the right word )

In other words become the bo ho ,hippie,peace loving ,calming,serene,spiritual,creative,homely,goddess that is being kept down – de pressed ,i will grow into my own strength once i allow my authentic self to blossom ,i dont need to look for the strength to step up to being the leading female ,i just need to listen to it because its already there .”

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When i read through these especially the second one then read my affirmations it sounds like 2 different people and i realise i am ,one is my authentic self who has been waiting to bloom for so long and one is my shadow self full of negativity .A shadow isnt real its just what we see and i can change what i see about my self and life .

Its time to spring clean internally mind,body and spirit and externally – i have surrounded myself with clutter like a barrier to keep myself withdrawn but now feel its closing in on me .There literally isnt a space to sit and write a letter or draw a poster.

Its also time to release the guilt i have carried and forgive myself for things that i physically couldnt have done – no one can be in 2 places at once .
Time for the beaded flip flops ,smock tops and flowers in my hair as well as peace on my heart
Thank you for reading such a long post ,love and hugs flowergirl

Congratulations ! you have succeeded in recognizing what needs to be changed , acknowledged your need to change and accepted the fact that you can and are willing to change.

From my personal experience, happiness is a choice. Others are responsible for themselves. I cannot please everyone and so I stopped trying, I simply please myself and do what I can for others. I am loving and nurturing but no longer a doormat. I have learned to say no and mean it. I have also learned to be grateful and show it.

Also, I am not uncaring but I cannot allow myself to spend precious time on worrying about others and the choices they make. In other words I have had to learn to stop being so controlling and to stop letting what others do influence how I live.

In an office email was this quote “ A good leader must first learn to serve.” I guess this could go hand in hand with “lead by example” and just because you are the leader doesn’t mean everyone is a follower.

I think anyone who has lost someone has felt guilt at one time or another for what could have, should have or never have done or said. We take from that and try to do better by those still remaining.

The housework can be overwhelming at times as we work or go to school and it seems we are in and out and leave a trail behind us. Clutter happens , dust happens , laundry happens , and I have found that once cleaned it again get’s dirty. Everyone who lives in a home has a responsibility to keep it up , doing what they are able depending on their age. When the house is clean and the people who helped are proud of their participation in getting it that way, it makes it easier to keep it up.

After reading your post I was reminded of this quote ,

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin

peace , love , joy, and success to you :)

In response to DorothyMarie’s post:
hi DorothyMarie,thanks for your reply and encouragement .I love that quote by Anais Nin and it keeps popping up all over the place -it is true .

I am like a sponge with others feelings and need to keep a bubble around myself so i dont absorb others negativity .

As the clutter is my stuff i need to sort it but then the kids can help ,im home all day ,ones at college,one at uni and one at work .

I listened to a cd last night by Christianne Northrup called The Power Of Joy and its so intresting especially about overcoming negative thinking .
love flowergirl

After a lot of thinking this week ,i realised sometimes by feeling we have lost our way we are shown different directions to find new/different pathways .
I was in a big clothes store with my daughter yesterday at the till ,she was buying a little flowery belt to keep her jeans up and i was people watching .
There were a few ladies similar age to me and i just had this feeling of compassion for 2 of them .One lady was dressed in smart/casual clothes – very neat – and kept constantly straightening her necklace,patting her hair ,pulling down her top and looking so uncomfortable ,i got this image of her home ,immaculate ,tidy ,beautifully cared for but not providing her with any comfort if her home caused her as much discomfort as the thought of her appearance not being perfect seemed to .

Then another lady was dressed in beige and her clothes looked as though they were for someone a lot older ,she looked weary and was watching a lady older than her choosing brightly coloured socks and said to her ,they are such lovely colours aren’t they,and looked so longingly at the colours as if she was wanting to wear those colours but felt she shouldnt .

I could be totally wrong but i just felt so sad for these 2 lovely ladies as they seemed to be going along one road and not feeling able to make tiny changes .
Maybe the first lady feels in control of herself by always looking so neat and tidy and maybe the second feels safe wearing the one colour but i felt there was so much feminine energy,passion,creativity and happiness locked away .Their faces seemed full of longing for something different ( even stripey socks) and so sad and as though they were trapped in a way they fely they had to be .

Then the penny dropped ,i was seeing in them a road i dont want to travel ,if they looked happy i wouldnt have been thinking this but there was just this feeling coming off them .

I love hippie boho anything but my home doesnt reflect this ,not many clothes do and i stopped going to greenpeace meetings etc when things were challenging here .

Im at those crossroads now and im feeling so aware that my spirit can emerge from hibernation ,its time to get the crochet throws out that i made ,light the incense,candles,oils,grow herbs ,make collages/journals/samplers/buy a guitar and learn to play it ,go to places where there are like minded souls ,and start taking steps into the lifestyle my soul longs for .

love flowergirl

After talking with another bmindfuller on here I have been looking for a thread about being stuck,physical/emotional clutter etc .

Instead I found this old thread and it really touched me ,especially as loving ourselves is a topic we are discussing .

I might keep this thread going or add it to another one ,not sure yet .

Everything happens for a reason and I was meant to read this today .

“There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~ Anais Nin

love flowergirl

In response to flowergirl’s post:
It takes a lot of courage for you to share all you have on this site…. But beyond that…I have always seen you as growing…rather than a depressed soul…and I know I’m not alone with this belief. We’ve all had things happen to us…that takes time to muddle out of. You aren’t alone, many just don’t speak it.. It has taken great courage for you to share your journey….you always are a flower blooming to me. Sometimes like a flower…the weather has displaced your petals, or even part of your buds. Though, you keep on growing, and somehow inspiring an entire garden to grow.

In response to SelfcareEnthusiast’s post:
thank you Selfcare,I think of life as a big classroom we come to for many lifetimes and we have the choice of how much or how little we learn ,there is no wrong way .

By sharing what is going on in my life and my heart it helps me so much and to know it helps others feels so good .Your support on the boards and in PM’s has carried me along and helped me back up when I stumbled down and I will always be grateful to you

My dream one day is to work in or own a healing sanctuary ( free or very reasonable so no one is excluded ) and I know my experiences of depression ,eating disorders,struggles will help me to help others which turns them into lessons I have learnt so I can empathise.

We can have a world full of “flowergirls” blooming wherever they are planted.

love flowergirl

In response to mara’s post:

mara ,thank you for your kind words .I’m just a chatterbox really .

This place is a haven for me as I can come anytime and feel the loving support that is here thanks to all you lovely folks

love flowergirl

I feel unfortunate enough the same way ((((FlowerGirl)))) It is so terrible to feel this way, the way othjers see us we “must” believe in. For I have distorted image problems meaning no ,atter how thin I get it is never ever enough.But this is about you dont know if I got this here but I dont think so iof so I forget maybe it was unknown author and I paraphrazedit for my group.I hope this helps you like I said can’t recall where I seen this but I paraphraze a lot with permission of course, I am as well a “chatter box=D”

Here it is Positive Helpful tips:

POSITIVE HELPFUL TIPS”

How we feel about ourselves has a direct bearing on how we relate to others.
Having healthy, satisfying relationships is important. Some basic ingredients are trust, honesty, and respect.
These features are mutual and two-way. Friends and family members can be a great source of comfort and support in times of distress. Remember the best way to make friends is to be one.

Tips to help you sleep:
Take time for some gentle outdoor exercise early in the day!
Avoid tea, coffee, nicotine, and alcohol for at least 4 – 6 hours before bed!
Have a warm milky drink;
Take a warm bath before bed;
Make sure that the bedroom is quiet and comfortable;
Have a light snack before bedtime;
Listen to some gentle music;
Try getting up and going to bed at the same time every day so that your body has a routine;
Some light reading can help;
Make sure that you are warm!

Tips for good communication:
Keeping lines of communication open is important – sharing ideas,
expressing opinions or just an encouraging smile;
Some people feel a little bit shy in certain situations, which is quite common;
Being able to express your feelings, disappointments, and joys is essential
to good mental health;
Adopt a relaxed posture;
Make eye contact and speak slowly;
Try not to become too self conscious;
Listen carefully to what is being said or asked;
If you are not clear, ask the person to repeat the question;
Don’t feel the need to fill silences in conversation;
When making inquiries try some ‘open questions’ (open questions cannot be answered with a simple yes or no)
If something ‘comes out the wrong way’, say so and correct it;
Humour is a great communication tool;
Some people may find it easier to use the phone;
Remember, silence is o.k. – don’t be afraid of it;
Become involved with a sport or project in your area – having a shared interest is the best way to open conversation;
If you are concerned about your health, relationships or have financial worries, talk to someone you can trust and feel
comfortable with – a close friend, a family member, or your doctor;
When we hear the term mental health, many of us think of mental illness.
Mental health is far more than the absence of mental illness and has to do with many aspects of our lives including:

How we feel about ourselves;
How we feel about others;
How we are able to meet the demands of life;
How do I manage my mental health?
The most important thing is to develop a healthy lifestyle.
The following suggestions may prove helpful.
To enjoy good mental health, it is essential to maintain a realistic but positive view of one self.
The way we view ourselves has a direct bearing on what we believe which can effect relationships
and, our expectations of the world.
When we hold ourselves in high self esteem we can live comfortably with both our strengths, and weaknesses because we accept and respect ourselves!

We have the ability to:
Feel secure;
Trust ourselves and others;
Enjoy life;
Accept credit for what we do;
Feel confident;
Be decisive;
Be assertive;
Communicate effectively;
Respect self and others!

Tips for positive Self Esteem :
Take time out for yourself, exercise and eat healthily on a daily basis.
Set regular achievable goals by deciding what you want.
Replace negative Self talk and self doubt with encouraging, and
Positive messages like – I can, I will, I am able, I will succeed,
Develop positive attitudes!

In response to bp4ls’s post:
wonderful tips(: Thanks for sharing(: