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★Should I just know?

Hello wonderful people!

I am seeking your insights. I’d like to hear how you define romantic love.

I am in a relationship with a great guy and I recently moved in with him. We’ve said we loved each other and I meant it when I said it. Now that we’re discussing marriage, I feel like he’s a new person and I’m looking at us differently to be sure we’re a good match for the long term…this worries me as I am not 100 percent sure. It’s been six months and we would be getting married in May of 2012.

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

hi Raylene ,i’m so pleased for you ,what lovely news .
Oh romantic love – your tummy does summersalts when you see him – you laugh at the same silly things – you share your inner thoughts – most important you want his happiness more than your own ( in a good way )
love flowergirl

Thanks flowergirl!

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

Hi Raylene how wonderful,beautiful and exciting love is! I am so happy for you! I also agree with flowergirl.But you say you are having doubt if you are questioning it that could mean something could or might be lacking. Do the pros and the cons. Only you know for sure what your heart is telling you.All the best! : )

Good idea, Cuqui.

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

Another piece to the puzzle in my brain…

I broke it off with him after three weeks because something felt like it was missing. We rushed into some things and with my trust issues, I fled. We didn’t see each other for five daya but we chatted. I couldn’t stop thinking of him and we slowly regained an even stronger relationship. I am now wondering if I went back to him out of desperation rather than true feelings. Oh gosh, I am stressed out about this.

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

My sister just told me that I shouldn’t get engaged because of my doubts.

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

Romance is fun, but remember that our fulfillment can only come from ourselves. Another person cannot “make you whole”. I’m sure you already know that, just want to remind you that the “romance” thing is kind of like a drug. Anytime you feel a sense of desperation or a strong sense of “need” pay close attention to your ego and become present. We should be with people because we want to and not because we need to. Does the guy seem to be an “enlightened” person? That feeling of romance can make us ignore lots of warning signs. Sometimes we need to feel the fear and do it anyway, but if we become present and really listen inside we can act with confidence. We are less likely to do something dumb.

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.
— Gandalf, J.R.R. Tolkien
I’m Alright
Life Less Ordinary

Hmmm you bring up an interesting point. I am fine tuning my self esteem and past issues. I don’t feel like I need him to make me complete but I do like the idea of him being around.

I seem to create drama when there is none. He’s a great individual.

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

If you don’t have “The Power of Now”, go pick up a copy and read through the relationship stuff. I think it’ll settle you down a bit and give you some peace and perspective.

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.
— Gandalf, J.R.R. Tolkien
I’m Alright
Life Less Ordinary

Thank you! I’m all in my head.

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

From Eckhart Tolle:
“Can we change an addictive relationship into a true one?

Yes. Being present and intensifying your presence by taking your attention ever more deeply into the Now: Whether you are living alone or with a partner, this remains the key. For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or the pain-body and mistake them for who you are. To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment. To disidentify from the pain-body is to bring presence into the pain and thus transmute it. To disidentify from thinking is to be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior, especially the repetitive patterns of your mind and the roles played by the ego. If you stop investing it with “selfness,” the mind loses its compulsive quality, which basically is the compulsion to judge, and so to resist what is, which creates conflict, drama, and new pain. In fact, the moment that judgment stops through acceptance of what is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace. First you stop judging yourself; then you stop judging your partner. The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego.

All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over. There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused. This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else’s unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate ― in love ? or move ever more deeply into the Now together ― into Being. Can it be that simple? Yes, it is that simple.

Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form. In the stillness of your presence, you can feel your own formless and timeless reality as the unmanifested life that animates your physical form. You can then feel the same life deep within every other human and every other creature. You look beyond the veil of form and separation. This is the realization of oneness. This is love. What is God? The eternal One Life underneath all the forms of life. What is love? To feel the presence of that One Life deep within yourself and within all creatures. To be it.

Therefore, all love is the love of God.

Love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective. It does not make one person special. It is not exclusive. Exclusivity is not the love of God but the “love” of ego. However, the intensity with which true love is felt can vary. There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others, and if that person feels the same toward you, it can be said that you are in a love relationship with him or her. The bond that connects you with that person is the same bond that connects you with the person sitting next to you on a bus, or with a bird, a tree, a flower. Only the degree of intensity with which it is felt differs.

Even in an otherwise addictive relationship, there may be moments when something more real shines through, something beyond your mutual addictive needs. These are moments when both your and your partner’s mind briefly subside and the pain-body is temporarily in a dormant state. This may sometimes happen during physical intimacy, or when you are both witnessing the miracle of childbirth, or in the presence of death, or when one of you is seriously ill ― anything that renders the mind powerless. When this happens, your Being, which is usually buried underneath the mind, becomes revealed, and it is this that makes true communication possible.

True communication is communion ― the realization of oneness, which is love. Usually, this is quickly lost again, unless you are able to stay present enough to keep out the mind and its old patterns. As soon as the mind and mind identification return, you are no longer yourself but a mental image of yourself, and you start playing games and roles again to get your ego needs met. You are a human mind again, pretending to be a human being, interacting with another mind, playing a drama called “love.”

Although brief glimpses are possible, love cannot flourish unless you are permanently free of mind identification and your presence is intense enough to have dissolved the pain-body ― or you can at least remain present as the watcher. The pain-body cannot then take you over and so become destructive of love.”

Source: http://www.inner-growth.info/power_of_now_tolle/eckhart_tolle_chapter8.htm#1

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

Raylene,

What love is, is different for everyone.

I can tell you this….Whatever you focus your attention and emotions on the most, WILL become your reality. With that said, it only makes sense to focus your attention and emotion on what you want your reality to be.

Avoid doubt. The thoughts that support doubt usually don’t support our wants and desires.

Trust your feelings. If you feel all in all your not truly there or a little off, then you should go with that and not force the issue.

Trust yourself, if you feel loved and that you are loving then go with that. It’s human nature to over think situations which lead us to deny our gut feelings and thus leading to pain. Sometimes we will even avoid what we are feeling and force it, which is like trying to place a round peg into a square hole.

You say your looking at your relationship in a different way because you’re not 100% and that you plan to wed in 2012. Well you have time to get to 100%, if you do great if you don’t then that means that the individual is still out there that is your 100% match, and you will find him.

In short, trust your gut, avoid thinking with a perspective that doesn’t support what you want NOW, as one day “the future” will be only from what you are thinking about “now”.

Good luck, I’m positive that you’ll find what you are looking for.

Greatness is inside you, you are full of love, passion and compassion. Remind yourself of this everyday.

-Gary

Thanks Gary! I really like what you had to say in your response. I have the power to have peace of mind now.

Hugs everyone.

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

Hello Raylene,

I haven’t heard from u in some time. I “shouldn’t” (: say anything about time together and engagement..because I knew my husband less than 3 years and we’ve been married 30 years now. Though, if I had to use that experience to share a few thoughts, there are some points I’d make:

  • if life feels like you live for the drama, you might want to rethink what is important to you in life, and why? Who is important to you and why?
  • marriage, like any relationship is a partnership. The area to focus the most on is bettering yourself, and the area your partner should focus the most on bettering is himself. The result will be a healthier twosome. If the focus is on the “relationship”..that is like a businessman focusing on “the business” rather than making products better or showing friendliness to customers from the heart. There is no business without good products and heart. And there is no relationship without bringing our best self to the table (product) and sharing our heart from the heart(:
  • as far as the other person is concerned..be aware of red flags, but don’t invent them.

I had an interesting conversation with a guy and a gal the other day. They were talking about love and life. The guy was sharing that he is a big manipulator. The girl..who was not his girl friend..said “I don’t think so. You don’t look like that kind of guy” I couldn’t help myself. I had to jump in..If a guy tells you of his character defects..don’t look away, that’s a gift. He is TELLING YOU.

The guy also spoke of his boredom with things quickly. If a guy tells you he gets bored quickly, he could also be telling you he bores himself,. and to keep life exciting..he won’t change himself..he’ll change partners.

Anyway..I’m quite happy in my marriage.Though, I will say it had a lot to do with both mu husband and I being truly ready to “settle down”.

Yes, I was reasonably young when I chose to marry..Though, I made a decision that I was truly done dating, and that I create my own excitement and happiness. And my hubby was my best friend, and he made my life better-he didn’t make my life.

While after 30 years, I have to make sure the latter remains true..I always have to keep my life full, and always love myself a hair more than I love him. And that’s a lot of lovin me lol…because I love this man with all that I have and all that I am.

After years of doing our best of having each others’ back and respecting one another, it is a conscious effort not to make him more special than I am to me.

Though this is one of the most vital things I can share..so important. I can tell you lots of reasons why this so..and the hows..but for now..I will just say..it is top priority. To keep your identity you don’t want to meld into him. To be giving to another, you must be exceptionally giving to yourself(:

If he ever has a selfish moment..you will “never” (: be resentful if you are taking care of you. I emphasize never..because all you can do is set up goals..and attempt to live them out. If you see enough times, that you are not being served by your patterns..cut it out(:

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

In response to cuqui’s post:
In response to Raylene’s post:
In response to Laurie~LovesFocusingWell’s post:
I like the pros and cons. Though I’d do one for each of you in regard to relationships in general, and this relationship in particular.

Hugs(:

Affirmation Quick Searchaffirmation tags
♫Frampton I love enjoying this surrender. It is always beyond my wildest imagination of completion

Thank you Sunflower, you sure have great insights.

I particularly appreciated the part about focusing on ourselves and not ‘us’ as a whole. Great idea! I am working on myself but labelling it incorrectly. He is working on himself too. Just the reminder of loving yourself first is helpful. I have let that slide but I am now on track again- yahoo!

The drama tip was a good one too- I want to look at the ‘what do I want instead’ of the ‘why do I like to do this.’ Drama creating is not a pattern that suits me. I release my unconscious attraction to drama.

Thanks for taking the time to write.

…What makes you different, makes you beautiful…

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