First, let me express my gratitude for all of you who sent me such wonderful, kind message, either on this forum or via private message. All of it contributed to gaining much needed perspective.
Although this week was painful in many ways, I can honestly say that it was worth it. Rather than running away from my fears or engaging in behaviors designed to cope with them in a maladaptive manner, I faced them head on and experienced them through and through. I let them guide me through my subconscious, to the deep depths and their origin. And what I discovered was very sad…yet liberating.
The greatest personal detriment to me been my fear of being PERCEIVED as having something wrong with me. As I mentioned in a previous post, when I was going through a deep depression in my early teen years, my parents made me feel as if they believed that something was wrong with me. I perceived them as perceiving there was something wrong with me. And, as you know, my parents did not give me the full care and support that I needed during that time – thus, effectively abandoning me and depriving me. From that experience, as well as others with them, I came to believe the following at my core: “If someone THINKS there is something wrong with me, they will mistreat me and/or abandon me or cast me out.”
This line of thinking has appeared in almost EVERY arena of my life. My relationship with my family, of course (hence, why, even as an adult, I have tended to hide that I am going through a hard time from my parents). Growing up, and feeling like an outcast at school, having been teased and excluded for being “different” somehow. In my relationships, chosing men who either mistreated me or withdrew and abandoned me. Even in my career – I have done things in the past that I know would be socially labeled as “bad” or “wrong” (even though the things aren’t necessarily so), so I have lived in fear of somehow being “found out” and determined to be not worthy of continuing in my job.
What I also realized is how this feeling can actually warp not only my perception about the “truth” of the outside world, but my own INTERNAL truth. This fear has had so much power to cloud my mind that it actually is strong enough to make me believe that I don’t love myself. Which is NOT true! If I didn’t love myself, I wouldn’t have cared for myself as I did when I found myself deep in depression. I wouldn’t seek help in times of need. I wouldn’t cast toxic people out of my life. I wouldn’t have stopped self-destructive behavior. It is because I felt true worth deep down inside, a feeling that I AM worthy that my mind has been able to do battle with these thoughts for so many years, keeping me just ahead of it, despite its awful strength.
Once I saw this connection, I was astounded. And I knew it was the truth because of this kind of strange feeling of a “clearing” occurring…like dark clouds parting and revealing rays of sunshine in the mind.
And now that I am coming to understand the “affliction,” I can prescribe the antidote, which I believe is this (as noted in one of my affirmations, more or less): If I keep being me and LOVE being me – then so will everyone else!
When these clouds were cast aside, I saw the TRUTH – no one I have truly cared about has EVER actually rejected me because of my past and experiences. NO ONE. And those who seemingly have didn’t actually reject ME…instead, they were unable to care for me because of their own inadequacies. It had NOTHING to do with me! In fact, when people learn about what I have been through, it has often created an even higher level of respect – because they see this person who they think is amazing, and find out that despite all the muck thrown at her, she is still a bright shining star.
I don’t know what’s going to happen with my boyfriend. But with this new truth, my heart has much more optimistic hopes.
And even if we don’t continue on, I know that I shall move forward, stronger…
Again, thank you all.