More paraphrasing from Life 101
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There are some things we want because we really want them. There are other things we want because we think they will give us what we really want. The first category we call intentions or desires. The second cagetory we call methods or behaviors.
For example, you may say, “I want a red sports car.” We may say, “Find, and what do you want from the red sports car?” “I want adventure.” The true desire or intention was adventure. The red sports car was the method or behavior to get it.
Another example: If you say, “I want more fun,” we might ask, “What can you do to have more fun?” You could then give us a long list of the things you find fun to do. In this case, fun is the intention or desire, the fun activities you’ve listed are your methods or behaviors.
We sa intention or desire because some people prefer one word over another. Intention tends to be a bit more mental, desire a bit more emotional. Use whichever you think is best or feels most comfortable.
You can also use either methods or behaviors as the activities and things in which you involve yourself to achieve a desire or intention. A behavior is something you do. A method implies, in addition, a plan or a thing.
…People’s intentions or desires are experiences. They are contained in words such as freedom, security, power, happiness, self-worth, success, satisfaction, respect, peace of mind, adventure, love.
The methods or behaviors people use to get these are simply symbols for “the real thing.” They include money, job, career, clothes, cars, house, marriage, family, sex, lovers, physical appearance, educational degrees and travel.
When people want a physucal thing….they are talking about methods or behaviors. When they discuss inner experiences, they are referring to intentions or desires.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the symbols.
It helps, however, to know that the house, car better body, career, or money you want…is simply a method or behavior to get something else, something inner, something experiential (security, fun, energy, satisfations, love, knowledge of God, inner peace).
Why does it help to know this? First, if you know the experiences you’re looking for, you can make whole lists of methods and behaviors that might provide it. Love can be found in more places than romantic relationships. Fun can be found without having a million dollars.
…Knowing the experiences you want can dramatically improve the chance of finding the methods and behaviors to fulfill them.
Second, knowing the experiences you seek helps you avoid fear and disappointment. If you know you want adventure, and think a red sports car is the way to get it, you also know the sports car is part of a bigger adventure: finding the methods and behaviors that will bring you adventure. If the car does it, fine; add “red sports car” to thelist of things that (for now) work. If the car doesn’t do it, OK. Next method or behavior, please.
If you think the car is the thing you want, but don’t know your true intention or desire behind it, it can be a no-win situation. If it does privide you with adventure, then you can become attached to the car-thinking it’s the car that’s doing it. You can become afraid for its safety. You are, of course, not afraid of for the car but afraid that something might steal adventure from your life. If, on the other hand, the didn’t fulfill the unknown something you sought, you could well be disappointed. “All that money…” Either way, no win.
Third, and perhaps most important, you learn that you can fulfill your own desires and intentions without much outside help at all. And you can give it to yourself right now. Want love? Love yourself. Want joy? Be joyful. Want adventure? The last frontier is the interior.
As you can imagine, if you provide yourself with the experiences you seek, this significantly decreases the frantic quality many people have when persuing the symbols of life. “I can’s be happy until I get…” “I won’t rest until…” “My life isn’t complete until I…” There’s not a desire or intention we can’t fulfill for ourselves, right now.
Ironically, once we have given full to youselves, those symbols just seem to cascade in. Relationships, for example. Whom would you rather be around-a joyful, loving, happy person, or a miserable, needy, unhappy person? Well, so would everyone else. People know this, which is why they pretend to be loving, happy, joyful, etc. in order to “catch” someone. (People are not fish. They cannot be “caught.” They can be held captive temporarily, that’s all.)
When you are genuinely “up” because you are the source of your own “upness,” people either do or do not relate to you, and whether they do or do not is fine….
…You can use your behaviors and methods to discover your intentions and desires. Of each external “thing” you want, ask yourself, “What expeerience am I looking for?”
Experiences, too, can be like layers of an onion. Pleasure may be on the surface, but that’s really a symbol for contentment, which is a symbol for peace of mind. Keep asking, and eventually you’ll find experiences that are complete in and of themselves-experiences you’re not using to achieve other experiences.
When you discover your fundamental desires and intentions, you’ll know what you really want. Then, finding methods and behaviors to find the experiences you seek is not only easier, it’s more fun.
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I know, it’s long. I’m not gonna’ check my typing, but I hope some of you find this useful.
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.
— Gandalf, J.R.R. Tolkien
I’m Alright
Life Less Ordinary
