Definition of Self-Confidence
Self-confidence is the difference between feeling invincible and vulnerable. Your level of self-confidence essentially boils down to your self-perception. The opinion you have of yourself, whether positive or negative, becomes your reality. Many people struggle to find self-confidence. If yours is lacking, a few steps might give it the boost it needs.
Body Language
Some people exude self-confidence. Self-assurance may expressed through body language such as holding your head high with shoulders back. A self-confident person essentially has faith in his own abilities.
Opposite
A person with low self-confidence might harbor feelings of insecurity. Poor self-confidence can be characterized by persistent self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy and lack of trust in oneself and in others. Feelings of inferiority can result in passive and submissive behaviors, social withdrawal and oversensitivity to criticism.
Resiliency
A self-confident person is able to listen to criticism with an objective ear and learn from it with an optimistic attitude. In contrast, a person with low-self confidence might react to a disapproving comment or advice on how to improve by questioning his overall competency.
Achievable
It’s possible to develop self-confidence if you have the determination to do so. Start by thinking positive thoughts about yourself. Recognize your accomplishments, however small they might seem to be. Give yourself credit for your achievements rather than brushing them off by chalking them up to luck. Remember that self-confidence is only a feeling. Spend a few minutes each day thinking about the times you have felt the most confident. As time goes on, these positive self-images can become second nature.
Self-Confidence vs. Self-Esteem
Self-confidence is closely tied to self esteem. A person with high self-esteem recognizes and trusts her worth as a human being. A self-confident person feels good about his inherent value and is willing to take risks and set achievable goals.
Situational
Self-confidence is not always absolute. It can be relative to the situation or task at hand. For example, Mary might be very confident about her dancing abilities but lacks confidence in her computer skills. She might realize that her chances of successfully learning a new computer program on the first attempt is only about 50 percent. A self-confident person realizes and accepts that he has both strengths and weaknesses.
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Balancing Act
Self-confidence doesn’t mean you have an attitude of arrogance or believe that you are better than anyone else. A person who is arrogant might be unrealistic about their strengths and talents and be unwilling to acknowledge her weaknesses. Arrogance is sometimes little more that a cover-up for insecurity. A self-confident person has a positive self-image while maintaining humility.
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About Self-Confidence
Self-confidence is an intangible quality that is a more accurate predictor of human performance and happiness than wealth, talent or genius. Like talent and genius, however, self-confidence is subject to both genetic and environmental influences. In addition, self-confidence is at least partially situational—a slightly built “nerd” may feel self-confident in the classroom, yet self-conscious and hesitant on the football field.
Self-Confidence vs. Self-Esteem
Self-confidence and self-esteem are often confused. Self-confidence is “the expected probability that a person will achieve a goal in a certain situation,” according to Tom G. Stevens, Ph.D., psychologist and Professor Emeritus at California State University, Long Beach. Self-esteem is “a person’s overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth,” according to Princeton University’s WordNetWeb. Self-confidence, then, is unstable, while self-esteem is more stable. A person can have low self-confidence and high self-esteem at the same time, or vice versa.
Nature vs. Nurture
Until recently it was thought that self-confidence was almost entirely generated through environmental influences, especially parenting during early childhood. In a 2009 article published in “Psychological Science,” however, behavioral geneticists Corina Greven of King’s College in London and Robert Plomin of the Institute of Psychiatry asserted that a study of thousands of identical and non-identical twins show that genetics plays as dominant a role in self-confidence as it does in intelligence.
Loss of Confidence
In most cases, loss of confidence can be traced to failure. Not all failure, however, leads to loss of self-confidence. Psychological skills that allow you to maintain a positive attitude despite failure can help you maintain your self-confidence even in the face of defeat. Less resilient people are confident only after a major victory, become over-confident easily, and allow this overconfidence to pave the way for future failure and sudden collapse of self-confidence.
Prime Confidence
“Prime confidence” is a more stable, resilient variety of self-confidence that persists even in the face of temporary setbacks, according to Jim Taylor, Ph.D., performance psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of San Francisco. People with prime confidence focus on their own performance rather than comparing themselves with others. If you develop prime confidence, you will not only refuse to underestimate your own abilities, you will not become overconfident in situations where it seems that success is assured.
The Skill of Self-Confidence
Taylor takes issue with Greven’s and Plomin’s assertion of the genetic basis of self-confidence by asserting that self-confidence is a psychological skill that can be trained over time through mental exercises such as positive thinking. He notes ironically that negative is also a skill that can be developed through practice.
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What Are the Benefits of Self Confidence?
There is a wealth of benefits that come from healthy self-confidence. Self-confidence is a tool that can help you manage your fears, tackle life’s challenges with more certainty and maintain a positive mental attitude. Self-confidence is typically based on past experience, and improves as you build up a repertoire of success on which to rely.
Increased Performance
Athletes, entrepreneurs, public speakers and actors all realize the importance of self-confidence. Lack of confidence can impede you from achieving your peak performance, while self-confidence can help you overcome obstacles and pursue and use those skills you own to succeed.
Happiness
Instructors at Confidence Building Courses report that people with healthy self-confidence are generally happier and more satisfied with their lives than people who lack self-confidence. Confidence can help you to take on the world with more energy and determination, resulting in better relationships, quality work and a feeling of being connected with your surroundings. Self-confident people usually can influence others more easily, as well as control their own emotions and behaviors more responsibly. A positive attitude results from feeling good about yourself and knowing that your place in the world is important and meaningful.
Social Ease
People who are self-confident are more relaxed in social settings and when meeting new people. Because their belief in themselves is internal and not reliant on the judgment of others, they can freely move about without fear of rejection. According to the Life Coach Directory, self-confidence breeds a high level of comfort when facing new challenges. Self-confident people typically are more enthusiastic about the future and convey that excitement to others through their walk, how they hold themselves and how they converse. They are more at ease in social situations and tend to attract people to them. The positive energy projected by confident people is contagious and attractive to others.
Health
According to the National Mental Health Information Center, positive self-esteem and confidence are indicators of good mental health. Building self-esteem begins in childhood when parents can help to build the confident character of their children. Children growing up with confidence in their own abilities tend to do better in school, take better care of themselves than their peers with low self-confidence levels, and excel in sports and socialization. Teens with self-confidence are better able to withstand peer pressure and to make decisions with their own best interests in mind.
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The Significance of Self Confidence
Self-confidence is an intangible quality that exerts a tremendous influence on your happiness and sense of well-being. Some people believe it is inborn—-you either have it or you don’t. Other people believe that it is a skill that can be developed. While evidence exists to support both points of view, there is no doubt that self-confidence is positively related to performance in many endeavors.
Definition
Princeton University’s WordNet defines self-confidence as “freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities.” Self-confidence is often confused with self-esteem, which Winning Teams defines as “the degree to which one values oneself.” In a nutshell, self-confidence is about what you think you can do, while self-esteem is about how much you think you’re ultimately worth.
Origins
The evidence indicates that self-confidence derives from both environmental and genetic influences. Jim Taylor, Ph.D., performance psychologist at the University of San Francisco, asserts that self-confidence is a skill that you can develop through mental training exercises. Nevertheless, this view has been recently challenged by geneticists Corina Greven of King’s College in London and Robert Plomin of the Institute of Psychiatry. In a 2009 article published in Psychological Science, they characterize the genetic influence on self-confidence as “dominant” based on a study of identical and fraternal twins.
Collapse of Self-Confidence
Collapse of self-confidence is almost always rooted in some type of failure, according to Taylor. Nevertheless, emotionally resilient people have the ability to maintain self-confidence despite repeated setbacks, a quality that often separates the great from the mediocre in any endeavor. People lacking in confidence tend to take failure to heart more easily and to become overconfident in the face of victory, says Taylor.
Stability
Taylor says people can develop what he calls “prime confidence,” a high baseline level of confidence in one’s own abilities, resourcefulness and resilience that will apply across a broad range of endeavors—-from playing ping-pong to negotiating a raise with your boss. One of the keys to prime confidence, according to Taylor, is to compete against your personal best and refuse to compare yourself to others. Such an attitude prevents both the collapse of self-confidence in the wake of failure and the development of overconfidence after a big victory.
Enhancement
Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith emphasizes a number of methods you can use to enhance your self-confidence. These include boosting your self-esteem through an encouraging attitude toward yourself, engaging in selfless contributions to others, living an energetic lifestyle and being honest with yourself about your feelings.
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Signs of Low Self Confidence
According to the Mayo Clinic, low self-confidence can affect nearly every area of your life, including your career, relationships, family and financial situation. Factors such as an abusive childhood or relationship, unrealistic expectations of yourself and others, or excessive fear and anxiety can cause you to experience low self-confidence. If you suffer from low self-esteem, you might want to try a self-help program or working with a mental health professional to uncover the roots of your feelings and build your self-regard.
Negative Thinking
If you find yourself trapped in consistently negative thought patterns, you may be suffering from low self-confidence. According to the Mayo Clinic, a negative self-image and negative thinking can be a sign of low levels of confidence and may cause an adverse affect on your self-esteem. These unhealthy thought patterns increase the likelihood that you will experience bouts of depression, anxiety and excessive anger. Negative thinking may manifest in a number of ways, from believing that you are a failure to constantly comparing yourself to others. You may have an exaggerated concern and unrealistic view of other people’s opinions.
Social Withdrawal
Low self-confidence may cause you to withdraw from social situations and relationships. In the “Handbook of Psychological Assessment,” Gary Groth-Marnat, Ph.D., points out that difficulties in social relationships are particularly related to low self-esteem and social withdrawal. If you feel little self-worth, you may think that others find you unlikable or undesirable to be around. Low self-confidence can undermine your ability to initiate conversations, meet new people and maintain existing friendships.
Eating Disorders
Eating disorders occur much more frequently among people suffering from low self-confidence levels. According to Kathie Hanlon at Vanderbilt University, some researchers have found that low self-esteem is a prerequisite to having an eating disorder. If you have an eating disorder, you may have a distorted body image, excessive concern about your weight and place unrealistically high expectations on your physical appearance.
Low Expectations
Low self-confidence may cause you to feel like life has nothing to offer or like you have nothing to offer life. You may be excessively fearful of new situations. You may not take advantage of opportunities to further your own growth and development. In her book “S.K.I.R.T.S in the Boardroom: A Woman’s Survival Guide to Success in Business and Life,” Marshawn Evans, J.D., points out that your expectations are a direct reflection of your self-confidence. Everything you do in life will be limited by low self-esteem because you will not fully embrace your full potential.
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How to Overcome a Lack of Self-Confidence
Self-confidence is an intangible quality that can make the difference between success or failure in nearly every area of your life. Although raising your self-confidence in one area—such as your ability to play table tennis—may not raise your overall self-confidence, certain psychological techniques have been developed that can help you raise your level of confidence toward reaching nearly every challenge you face. Although these techniques will not result in overnight changes in your attitudes toward your abilities, consistent use will gradually nourish your overall self-confidence.
Step 1
Develop meta-awareness of your own thinking. The Mayo Clinic advises people to make a habit of mentally cataloging their thoughts, especially during moments of stress. If you practice this skill diligently, over time awareness of your own thoughts will gradually become second nature to you.
Step 2
Identify your counterproductive thinking patterns. The Mayo Clinic identifies a number of common negative thinking patterns such as “all-or-nothing” thinking, confusing feelings for facts, and jumping to negative conclusions. The benchmarks by which you should judge these thoughts are accuracy and utility. An inaccurate thought is almost always counterproductive, while an accurate but unpleasant thought may or may not be, depending on whether or not it helps you overcome challenges.
Step 3
Challenge your counterproductive thoughts. This requires you to intervene in your thought processes and deliberately replace counterproductive thoughts with productive ones. An example might be replacing, “She looked upset when I walked in because she is angry with me” with: “She might be having a bad day.” This is assuming that there is no persuasive reason to believe otherwise.
Step 4
Set realistic goals and achieve them. You should set a series of small goals that you can achieve frequently, leading to a valued long-term goal, such as gradually increasing the length of your daily run in preparation for a marathon. Psychologist Jim Taylor, Ph.D., adjunct professor at the University of San Francisco, advises that thorough preparation is a key to self-confidence.
Step 5
Record your achievements and review them periodically. Keep a “goal log” and catalog even small triumphs in detail. This is one way to help yourself intervene in your counterproductive thinking with concrete facts rather than vague platitudes.
As well, any difficulties you face in reaching your goals should allow you to temper your self-confidence with a healthy dose of reality. If you can’t run five miles, for example, there is no point in signing up for a marathon. On the other hand, if you have successfully run marathons in practice, there is no reason why you shouldn’t be able to do so in front of a crowd of spectators.
Tips and Warnings
• Developing self-confidence, the belief in your ability to do something as well as developing self-esteem, the belief in your own ultimate value, are closely related skills. You can use meta-awareness and positive thinking to achieve self-esteem as well as self-confidence.
• Aim to build a realistic level of self-confidence. Repeated failures due to overconfidence can quickly destroy not only overconfidence, but also your justified self-confidence.
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How to Restore Self-Confidence
A loss of self-confidence is a common response to a disastrous defeat in one of life’s many arenas. Nearly everyone experiences such a defeat at some point in their lives, but some people bounce back with great vigor, while others simply give up and are never the same person again. The difference between a temporary defeat and a permanent, life-altering defeat often comes down to mastery of the principles of self-confidence and skill at effective goal-setting.
Seizing Control of Your Mind
Step 1
Ask yourself “What am I thinking right now?” several dozen times a day, especially during times of distress. The purpose is to develop a moment-by-moment awareness of your own thinking, including the way that you talk to yourself.
Step 2
Identify negative patterns in your thinking—ways of thinking that are unrealistic or that cause you unnecessary distress. The Mayo Clinic identifies a number of such thinking patterns, including jumping to conclusions, putting yourself down, filtering out positive aspects of complex situations, all-or-nothing thinking and mistaking feelings for facts.
Step 3
Grab control of your thoughts by intervening in your internal dialogue every time you catch yourself thinking in an unproductive way. Challenge these thoughts and replace them with positive, realistic statements.
Setting Winning Goals
Step 1
Search your heart for your deepest desires and develop a vision of how you would like your life to be. Do not censor yourself at first. After you have developed a vision, screen out unrealistic or unethical aspects of your vision, but keep your modified vision as close as possible to the original. This may require some creativity.
Step 2
Translate your internal vision into performance-based, written goals. Your goals should be performance-based rather than outcome-based to give yourself maximum control over their achievement. “Run a mile in five minutes or less” is an example of a performance-based goal. “Win the Boston Marathon” is an outcome-based goal because its achievement depends on the performance of other competitors—a factor you can’t control.
Step 3
Record your goals in some tangible form. The act of recording your goals is a powerful motivator, according to Psychology Today magazine. It also allows you to keep track of your goals and notice when you have achieved them.
Step 4
Break your goals down into mini-goals, so that you will achieve at least one goal every day. Make sure every mini-goal is specific, challenging and achievable, advises Psychology Today. Review your accomplishments periodically and keep track of your achievements.
Tips and Warnings
• Seek out positive, self-confident people and spend as much time as you can associating with them. Remember that arrogance is a sign of insecurity, not self-confidence.
• Overconfidence can set you up for a disastrous loss of self-confidence when you fail to perform as well as you expected. Avoid both underestimating and overestimating your abilities.
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Tips to Gain Self-Confidence
Your level of self-confidence is equal to the belief that you have in your ability to achieve success in a particular field. Therefore, self-confidence is a prime determinant of achievement. You can only apply yourself fully to those areas of accomplishment which you perceive to have a possibility of attaining. However, higher levels of self-confidence can be achieved through the application and practice of certain exercises and activities.
Competence
“Competence allows a person to become more confident, which provides emotional support for an effort to learn new skills and knowledge,” says psychologist Raymond Wlodkowski, in “Enhancing Adult Motivation to Learn.” In essence, competence builds confidence. Competence, in turn, drives you to develop your skills and abilities even further. You can build your confidence in any area by accomplishing meaningful tasks in small stages. If you first break an accomplishment down into its most elemental parts, completing each part then becomes a manageable matter. Consider an area of performance in which you would like to become more confident and determine the smallest significant measure of achievement. Focus on completing only this activity until it is brought to a satisfactory end. Concentrate, then, on mastering the next step, then the next, and so on. These small successes will, over time, translate into sizable gains of self-confidence.
Staying in the Present
Holding onto negative past events can restrain your efforts to act more confidently in the present. Yesterday’s mistakes are only beneficial when thought of as lessons that steer you toward today’s success. Remaining in past sorrows, however, will generate a feeling of anxiety that can limit your potential to act in the future. Any time you mentally remove yourself from the present, you are surrendering your power to perform at that moment. To build confidence in a given arena, therefore, concentrate on what you can do with what you have right now. Each time you find yourself drifting into the past, stop, and bring your thoughts back to your goals of the current day. Psychotherapist Renée M. Grinnell contends that “Focusing on the present frees one up to respond thoughtfully rather than automatically.” At first, it may take a considerable effort to remain entirely “now-oriented.” In fact, you may have to redirect your thoughts several times, daily, before the new thinking pattern becomes habitual. With practice, however, you will adopt a new way of thinking that accelerates your personal growth.
Become Curious
Your self-confidence can easily be damaged if you expect to live up to a perfect ideal at the outset of any endeavor. English author G.K. Chesterton once said, “If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.” To master any skill, you must be willing to make the inevitable errors that come with accomplishment. During the initial stages of learning, it is unreasonable to look upon the best in a certain field and fault yourself for not performing at the same level. Clinical psychologist Patricia M. Kelly, Ph.D., contends that “Freedom is not worth having if does not include the freedom to make mistakes.” It is more helpful to assume an attitude of curiosity. Instead of obligating yourself to an unreachable ideal, just do what you know and see what happens. You can, then, adjust your efforts, according to whatever feedback you receive from the environment. This way of behaving is essential to self-development and will, automatically, help you develop higher levels of self-confidence.
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How to Build Good Self Confidence
When you are self-confident, you experience feelings of trust and certainty in your own understanding and abilities. A lack of self-confidence, on the other hand, can cause you to experience feelings of anxiety, uncertainty and even fear in the face of certain situations and circumstances. If you have ever struggled with self-confidence, you may think that it is an inborn trait or that some people have it and some people do not. Just as with any other positive emotion, self-confidence can be cultivated in your life through a number of positive, proactive changes and choices.
Step 1
Take personal responsibility for your thoughts, emotions, words and actions. Gary Smalley, in “The DNA of Relationships,” explains that regardless of what situation you are facing, “you can choose your reaction.” Even though you cannot control or change how other people treat you, you can choose what your reaction will be, and as you learn that you do have a choice in this area, you will gain more self-confidence as well.
Step 2
Learn to develop and to maintain healthy boundaries with others and with yourself. The more you take responsibility for your own life and avoid taking responsibility for the lives of those around you, the more self-confidence and freedom you will experience.
Step 3
Learn how to care for yourself in healthy ways, including spiritually, intellectually, physically and emotionally. Smalley explains that, while many people have a basic idea of how to care for themselves physically, intellectually and spiritually, “most of us simply do not understand the role that emotions are supposed to play in who we are.” The more you learn about how to listen to and care for your emotions, the better you will feel about yourself.
Step 4
Look for ways to serve and to encourage other people in your day-to-day life. John Maxwell, in “Today Matters,” explains that giving to and serving others “naturally changes a person’s focus…from self to others,” which “not only makes the world a better place, it makes the giver happier.” Often, when you seek to give into someone else’s life through an act of kindness or a word of encouragement, you will find that you benefit from the giving as well.
Step 5
Express gratitude every day for the good that you do experience in your life, such as by keeping a gratitude journal or writing one note of thank you. Choosing to express gratitude regularly can help you strengthen your own self-confidence.
Tips and Warnings
• Remember that self-confidence is not based on your external attributes or choices, such as your appearance, but rather on your internal thoughts and attitudes. Learning how to value yourself and your life will help you to experience more self-confidence.
• Remain persistent when seeking to change deep-seated insecurities and fears in your life, and seek professional counsel and advice if you realize that you do need help to experience more self-confidence in your life.
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Why Is Self Confidence Important in a Relationship?
There’s an old saying that in order to love someone else you have to first love yourself. While some might interpret that to mean you have be a narcissist to be in a relationship, the truth is that being confident and happy with who you are frees you up to find joy with someone else. In his book “Relationship Rules,” retired communications professor and speaker Richard Weaver, Ph.D., writes, “What could be more important than working to develop a more positive self—one of the cornerstones for relationship success? By continually working on your self-confidence, you make positive and productive strides toward getting your own house in order before inviting anyone over.”
The Real You
The more self-confidence you have, the more likely you are to just be yourself in a relationship. You won’t be worried about trying to fit an image you think your partner or potential partner wants, but rather you can think, speak and behave in a manner that is natural and comfortable. Trying to maintain a different persona will ultimately lead to unhappiness on your part, because you won’t be living the life you want, and because no matter how hard we try, we really can’t sustain the act of not being ourselves. So when the truth comes out, your partner will feel that you haven’t been honest.
Success Should Be Shared
Nationally known relationship coach and professional therapist Lisa Merlo-Booth, director of the Training for the Relational Life Institute, says that all too often people diminish their own successes to protect the psyches of others, as if your good news and accomplishments will somehow make others feel bad. Instead, you should understand that people who care about you want you to be happy, fulfilled and confident. Merlo-Booth says, “When those around you are strong, grounded, healthy people, they will rejoice with you in your successes. You will not need to make yourself small so they feel okay, nor would they want you to.”
Self-confidence and Sex
A lack of self-confidence can often be most evident in the bedroom. Men and women who are self-conscious about their bodies and/or are uncomfortable even talking about intimate subjects can have troubles maintaining healthy relationships. If the physical aspect of a relationship is troubling you, start talking with your partner about your concerns and consider talking to a therapist, who can provide some objective and helpful advice.
Self-confidence Through Fitness
One of the best ways to have a healthier outlook on yourself is to feel good about your appearance. Regular exercise releases mood-improving chemicals in the brain and will help you lose weight, firm up muscles and rev up your metabolism to help you stay fit. The Mayo Clinic reports, “Meeting exercise goals or challenges, even small ones, can boost your self-confidence. Getting in shape can also make you feel better about your appearance.” The better you feel physically will lead to a better mental outlook, too.
Self-confidence and Parenting
Being confident in your relationship with your partner is particularly important if the two of you have children. Kids want and deserve to have parents who feel good about themselves, because this translates into a more secure home life. And as role models, it’s important for parents to show that you need to be able to share your feelings and speak your mind with confidence. As kids grow and form their ideas about the world, they need to see, for example, that a person doesn’t have to look like a movie star to be in a happy and healthy relationship and that a person can have flaws or make mistakes and he or she will still be loved.
Self-confidence Is Sexy
Self-confidence itself is attractive. Think of rock singer Mick Jagger. He’s certainly not classically handsome, but because he carried himself with such confidence and swagger onstage, women were crazy about him. When we’re around people with low self-confidence, we might feel sorry for them and even want to help them, but we don’t necessarily want to enter into a relationship with them. Conversely, we are naturally drawn to those who exude confidence. We hope that some of that confidence rubs off on us.
Overcoming Challenges
Self-confidence will allow you to handle the bumps that inevitably come along in any relationship. An article on the BBC’s website related to sports and self-confidence actually sums up that idea succinctly. In a relationship, game, job or life itself, the importance of knowing that if something isn’t working, you can fix it is an invaluable asset. The BBC notes, “Self-confidence allows you to take risks. When you have enough confidence in yourself to know that if things do go wrong, you can put them right, you can take it that bit further.”
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Self-Confidence Training
“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right” is a self-confidence quote that has been attributed to Henry Ford. Self-confidence, simply stated, is belief in yourself and your abilities. It is an intangible quality that often separates greatness from mediocrity. Self-confidence is also a skill that you can develop with training.
Breakdown
Self-confidence can be broken down into a cluster of related mental habits, according to the Texas Children’s Hospital. These include the beliefs that you have uniquely valuable abilities and that you will be accepted and appreciated by others, and these beliefs are accompanied by an optimistic feeling about your own abilities.
Previous Performance
Self-confidence is heavily influenced by previous performance, according to the Community College of Rhode Island Counseling Center, because people tend to rely on their own past performance to forecast their future performance. This suggests that you can build self-confidence by gradually accumulating small victories and avoiding unrealistic goals that could lead to disheartening defeats.
Self-Talk
Performance psychologist Jim Taylor, Ph.D., adjunct professor at the University of San Francisco, identifies a vicious cycle that can cause long-term decline in self-confidence. You suffer a defeat and respond by viciously criticizing yourself for your failure. This lowers your self-confidence, leading to even worse performance the next time, leading to further negative self-talk in a downward spiral. The remedy for this tendency, according to Taylor, is to take conscious control over your own self-talk in order to turn your mind from your worst enemy into your best friend.
Confidence During Adversity
Self-confidence is hardest to develop and maintain when things aren’t going your way. Taylor believes that you can maintain your self-confidence during difficult times if you consciously cultivate the attitude that demanding situations are life-enhancing challenges rather than threats, focus on your own performance rather than compare yourself to others, accept that occasional defeats are inevitable, intensify positive self-talk and prepare thoroughly for each challenge that you encounter.
Goal-Setting
Goal-setting is important to self-confidence because appropriate goals challenge you to improve your skills while at the same time provide you with positive performance feedback. Edwin A. Locke, Professor Emeritus at the University of Maryland School of Business, has researched goal-setting and has identified several characteristics of effective goals. These characteristics include clarity, challenge, commitment, feedback and complexity. A balance must be drawn between setting goals that are challenging but achievable. Commitment for an individual goal-setter means that you genuinely desire the outcome and are not letting other people’s desires set your goals for you.
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How to Develop Self-Confidence
It is useful to understand what self-confidence is when trying to develop it. According to the Counseling Center at University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, self-confidence is a positive attitude about oneself and about the surrounding situations. Self-confident attitudes are also realistic. A person who has self-confidence is generally upbeat about getting what they want, within reason. People with self-confidence also generally feel in control of their lives, and when their situations fall short of expectations, they continue to accept themselves and to have a positive outlook.
Step 1
Emphasize your strengths. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses. By emphasizing your strengths, you focus on the things you do best. Congratulate yourself on the things you accomplish and do well.
Step 2
Explore new challenges by taking risks. If you safely do only the things that you know you can accomplish, you may fail to develop the confidence to meet new challenges in life. After successfully completing new endeavors that involve risk, you begin to feel confidence about the future.
Step 3
Employ an internal feedback system whereby you catch yourself with negative or unrealistic thoughts, and point out to yourself the fallacies of those thoughts. For example, if you find yourself expecting perfection in an upcoming endeavor, remind yourself that some endeavors require practice and that you can continue to improve.
Step 4
Practice self-evaluations of your performances. These self-evaluations should include the aspects of your performance that you did well and other aspects that could be improved upon. This helps you to rely less on the opinions of others, which may dwell on the negative. It empowers you while taking power away from others.
Step 5
Continue to recognize self-defeating thought patterns as they reappear and dismiss them. These include “all or nothing” expectations whereby if an outcome isn’t perfect, it is seen as a failure. This can be seen as an unrealistic expectation. Thoughts that magnify negative aspects of yourself or your performance should also be discarded.
Tips and Warnings
• Joining groups, clubs or organizations that provide positive support among their members can help you to find social networks that help instill self-confidence.
• The basis for self-confidence begins with parents who project accepting attitudes toward their children, which means that adults may have to work harder to develop self-confidence if they are starting out with negative parental influences.
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The Importance of Self Confidence
To achieve even the smallest of goals, and to get through life’s daily duties and responsibilities, you have to have some self-confidence. The importance of developing a self-confident attitude allows you to wade through the push and pull of different voices and opinions telling you, “yes, no, maybe, do this, do that”, etc. Relying on other people to guide you and following their opinions robs you of your individuality, makes you unsure of yourself and can lead to depression.
Definition
Self-confidence is an attitude that you hold about yourself that allows you to move forward and achieve your goals. An article on self-confidence from the counseling center at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign defines self-confidence as having a positive attitude, but with realistic views. They note that a self-confident person has a general sense of control of her own life, and can do what she wishes, plans and expects. Self-confidence means that even if things don’t go your way, you still believe that eventually, somehow, some way, they will.
Developing Self-Confidence
The University of Illinois article notes that your parents may have instilled self-confidence in you by encouraging self-reliance and giving you love even when you made mistakes. If you did not have your parents’ help, you can accomplish this yourself. Anthony Robbins states in his book, “Awaken the Giant Within,” that developing his confidence comes from mastering his ability to feel certain that he really could achieve something. His rule is, “If I decide to be confident, then I’ll feel that way toward anything, and my confidence will help me succeed.”
Visualize
Sitting quietly with your eyes closed and mentally visualizing yourself in great detail as a confident person is a great way to start being confident. In his book, “Unleash the Champion,” Denny Dicke says that visualizing is the most effective tool for building confidence and belief. After repeatedly visualizing yourself being and acting confident, and achieving what you wish by confidently going after it, Dicke notes that when it does come time to move with confidence, you will act confidently because your mind sees this as familiar ground.
Overcoming Negative Thoughts
There are several strategies to overcoming those negative thoughts that keep you trapped in lack of confidence. The University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign article cites four tips. First, emphasize strengths by giving yourself credit. Second, take risks by looking at new experiences as a chance to learn, not win or lose. Third, use self-talk by stopping in the middle of a negative thought, and reframing it with a positive thought or words. Fourth self-evaluation allows you to gain a stronger sense of self, and stop giving away your personal power to others.
Move Forward With Confidence
Becoming self-confident does not mean you are unrealistic about yourself and your situation. You understand that you are not Superman, but being confident means still moving forward toward your goal achievement and desires even when things don’t seem to be going your way. Using positive self-talk such as that of 1992 Olympic gold medal winner in singles tennis, Jennifer Capriati who said to herself, “I can do this! I am the best!”, can really help get you through times of doubt, and help you to maintain that feeling of self-confidence.
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Improving Self Esteem & Confidence
Self-esteem and confidence are a group of beliefs about yourself, your talents, your abilities and proficiency, notes KidsHealth.org, a division of the Nemours Foundation. Those with low self-esteem or confidence might have low expectations for themselves. Working hard on improving self esteem and confidence can help you find more satisfaction in your own abilities and personality.
Significance
The importance of a high level of self-esteem and confidence is evident in your success in life. Confidence affects every area of your life, be it time with your family, your professional dealings or your body image. MindTools.com says that low self-esteem can be self-destructive, causing you to think negatively of yourself and your abilities. In order to build your self-esteem and confidence, you need to learn more about yourself, affirm your abilities and attain the education to hone them.
Body Image
Often your poor self-esteem and confidence are too closely tied to your body image, notes KidsHealth.org. Regardless of how realistic your body image is, a negative view of your body can make you feel badly about yourself and lower your self worth. In order to improve a poor body image, take a minute to write down all of the things that your body, imperfect as it is, can do for you. The Mayo Clinic suggests that exercise is beneficial for body image, so take care for your body as a way to boost your confidence.
Attention Seeking
If you find yourself constantly seeking attention from others through your words and actions, it is likely because you have low self-esteem and are looking for validation that you are important to others. This is a condition typical of bullies, says the Canadian Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Before you open your mouth or do something to draw attention to yourself, stop. The BBC recommends that you try to decipher the feeling that is causing you to seek attention. Perhaps you’re afraid no one will notice you at a large party, in which case you could try striking up a conversation with a stranger. Stop using attention from others as a crutch to support your own poor self-esteem.
Professional Confidence
Professional confidence matters when your job is on the line. The difference between someone who is confident and someone who is not at the office is often evident. Someone with low self-esteem passes the buck when it comes to responsibility. You might never volunteer for projects or downplay your abilities. Instead, do something at work that is outside the box for you. Join a project you wouldn’t normally, or take on a responsibility that scares you. When you succeed, it will boost your confidence and you will prove to yourself that you are better than you think you are.
Emotional Confidence
Having low emotional confidence and self-esteem causes you to draw away from other people. Instead of voicing your wants and needs to significant others, you keep them to yourself, under the impression that they aren’t worth talking about. You should know that your feelings are important, and sharing them with others is the only way to get what you want and find happiness. If you find it hard at first, try writing them down in a letter. Understand that dismissing your emotions makes it impossible for others to become closer to you.
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.
— Gandalf, J.R.R. Tolkien
I’m Alright
Life Less Ordinary