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Don't be a Victim


To blame others for our problems, results in us feeling like victims. You may hear yourself saying: “Oh, if only he had phoned me when he said he would, I wouldn’t be feeling so mad”; or, “If only he would change”.
It helps to understand that sometimes we may be receiving a pay off from relationships that cause us distress. When we put power into another person’s hands, we are what is called “co-dependent”. Learning how to change this behavior is to acknowledge your feelings, whether they are feelings of emotional pain, grief or just plain old frustration. You may have even convinced yourself you are not strong enough to change your situation. Begin to see clearly how you would like your life to be. Everyone is worthy of having happy, healthy relationships.
You are the master of your own mind, stop giving away that power! When we realize we are 100 per cent responsible for all our experiences, we can begin to make better choices. Make every day work in a positive, loving way and it will come back to you two-fold.
Q. My father sexually abused me when I was a child leaving me with a fear of men and a desire to get back at my father. I have been having counselling off and on for many years to help deal with my pain, however I still feel angry.
A. Giving yourself permission to heal from this tragedy is the first step. Have you allowed yourself to express your anger? Holding on to what has happened to you as a child is keeping you from living a healthy adult life. What is the pay off for staying angry?
With the help of your therapist, you may be able to look deeper into what life was like for your father when he was growing up. This may help you to unravel the drama associated with this abuse.

“You are the master of your own mind, stop giving away that power! “

Lee and I caught the train to my parents house yesterday. There was a lady who had a tonne of luggage and two children both under 2. I really don’t like thinking negatively about people but she obviously was the victim of her own mind and I was appalled at the way she took it out on her kids. Why is it that people are so afraid of being IN CONTROL, and so comfortable being a victim? Is it the responsibility that comes with being in control? That they have no one to blame other than themselves?

I love the affirmations!! It would be awesome to be able to convince people like that lady to “choose to fill her life with joy” and love. For the sake of her children also.

G’day Melt,
Thank you for that additional quote. Just one sentence says so much!
It was interesting to read about that lady with the little children … it’s so sad to see people who are not in control of their own lives.
Just shows you how ppl need to love THEMSELVES more … “If your own personal cup of love does not runneth over; how can your love flow onto others” (my own quote) lol.
Thanks for your reply Melt,
With love and humility,
Jude xxx ooo

I feel for the lady with two children and the luggage, cos, I know how much just ONE little one would be like with luggage!

I believe it takes more than one or two people to bring children up. But there is an insidious “bad mother/parent” guilt that can descend if one can’t do it on their own. This is the victim thought. I called for a village and I got my village. But in doing so, I had to relinquish a big part of “control” over how my son interacted with everyone. Trust is a big factor. I don’t trust that only “good things” happen to him. I only trust that he and I have amazing communication, resilience and love to “deal with” what happens.

When an adult comes into his life, I take them aside and say to them that the responsibility for defending their own boundaries rests on them, not him and not me. This is confronting to some of my friends, cos some cannot say “no” to an adult, let alone a seven year old. Letting go of control of another can be a beautiful thing :) But control over yourself is yours and yours alone.

I feel as if I have gone on a tangent!

I believe that healing past pains starts with a whole hearted commitment, focus on positive thoughts and affirmations and taking care of oneself. I did that. One day I realised the anger and pain was gone, didn’t realise when it had disappeared, I was too busy being happy :)


Dear freygan,

I agree that it takes more than one or two people to bring up children. In older days, entire families and friends brought the children up, benefiting in all of their wisdom.

How wonderful that you take a child into adulthood and tell them about their responsibilities and boundaries. People can be quite judgmental … so if your way of life is confronting to them … too bad! It’s your life and you are in control of it!

Good for you freygan,
With much love and respect,
Jude xxx ooo

“When we realize we are 100 per cent responsible for all our experiences, we can begin to make better choices”

Judiann.. I took me so long to realize this! OMG it’s sooo true!!

Thank you dear for the amazing article! I agree on everything you said. Very well written!! I’m sold!!

In response to Judiann’s post:

Dear Judiann I have great respect for you. You have been through a lot like many of us. Although you have been through trauma you allowed that negative energy to be turned into a positive outcome. We cannot do much about what happens to us when we are children. We are expecting our parents to love and take care of us and they too had their stories. Some of us have to be our own parents when we were young. We lost that part of our childhood. Yet as adults we at times regain some of that innocense. Children seem to identify with us.

I don’t like to use the word control. For me now it is my choice to be happy or sad. When I have made changes it has taken time to get use to them. Especially the first magnificent “no”. The one word I didn’t know as a child. What freedom! It’s like looking at fireworks! Yet it was a learning experience that helped me to be grateful for being alive and realize that happiness is all everyone wants. As the old pharse says, “The strongest steel has to go through the hottest fire.”

I have been through the fire and being free takes getting use to because now I am free to make my own choices no one does them for me anymore. Good or bad my choices are now my responsibility there is no one to blame.

Peace and love,

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