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★an extract of the book I'm writing

(Extract from my notes taken at the time)
25th December 2000 – 5:00 am
I was so fed up with living with the ‘bad hand’ (so I thought) that life had dealt me. I was sick of hating and doubting myself, also fighting with myself. With my life and the devastation I was experiencing; I have now come to the realization that I can no longer survive living this way, homeless and totally helpless; so for the first most genuine time in my life, I felt this incredible urge to “Surrender” my life to the Universe … after all … IT seemed to have all the control here! Having survived two suicide attempts, having nothing to my name, having neither family nor friends … just a lonely box of meagre belongings and a suitcase of old clothes … and my faith and love of all things good; what else was there for me to do; I was indeed desperate and had reached the very point of no return …. I spread my arms open wide, screamed out loudly in exasperation for the Universe to take me; then I suddenly felt my soul being physically taken into the loving arms of God (The Universe). Burning the Yule Log at Christmas is a tradition to demonstrate the burning of the old spirit and the rebirth of a new spirit (although I had no idea of this tradition at the time) … my spirit is renewed! I know I am loved and accepted here; I know that the Universe will guide me now that I have given it TOTAL control of my life. I am now feeling a very deep and sincere sense of enlightenment. Before this moment everything I saw around me was dull and not very colourful… now I see such an incredible array of colours and brightness!
Later that beautiful Christmas day, my brother, Andy arrived for lunch and gave me a copy of the book, “By the Seat of the Soul” by Gary Zukav. At the time I had no idea what was to immediately transpire … no idea how this book released my soul from all its pain and demons and the events that were about to follow.
The next morning my boyfriend at the time, Iain, who I have lived with for three years; decided to start his usual daily abuse, and told me it was over between us (again). I went and soaked in an extra long bubble bath. I knew this relationship was damaging to me, surely I was worth more than all those degrading things he tells me I am; surely I was worthy of love – not all of this hate and anger he constantly gave me? I was always told how hated I was, and nothing but a ‘trouble-maker’.
This time, I felt different – stronger – more hopeful – I had confidence in the Universe! I slowly and purposefully removed his gold chain from my neck; emerged from the water feeling cleansed; wiped away the wasted tears; dried and dressed myself. I then gently handed the chain to him and told him that it was over this time – the LAST time! I then quietly picked up my copy of this book that was given to me by my brother.
This was new, exciting and different. I took time examining every word this man had to say in his inspirational writings … I absorbed its energy. The information all made sense and every sentence was so enjoyable that I was able to put it down and start putting all my newfound knowledge to practice – bit by bit- chapter by chapter. I didn’t want to rush this metamorphous of my new life! I could see that there were so many things I didn’t like about myself’ the choices I made and how they effected others!
The first thing I had to do was to re-gain control of my own life. I had allowed too many men control over my life prior to this. The more control I gave them, the more they took. I had lived in several monogamous relationships in order not to live in a cardboard box on the street – that was the only other option I could see at the time. I had given away my soul to them! I had begun to blame them without realizing that it way MY choice to give them the control! I had always feared rejection, so naturally ALL of my relationships ended in disaster! This is why I had no one!
How could anyone love me if I did not love myself? The love I was looking for was always in the wrong places with all the wrong ‘MEN’. I had trusted them because I had never trusted myself. Fear is so destructive and misguided … I found not to trust in fear but to trust in love. The only fear is fear itself. Love and respect must replace fear in order for my life to reach authentic and total enlightenment. I never knew I had so much power within me.
I was looking for someone to ‘rescue’ me until I woke up to the fact that I was the only person who could rescue me. I don’t need “saving” anymore. In the past, I had come across so many gifts I never knew I had; everywhere I looked; and every single living thing was much clearer, brighter, colourful and surprisingly more beautiful! I now see the beauty in everything and everyone. I am now trusting in myself, my God, my Universe and my guides and angels. I revere life, Gaia (the soul of our planet) and all creatures from micro to macro; because all of these things ARE God! I now FEEL the substance of yin and yang … I’ve left my physical behind and am dealing with the “within”. I love being able to now feel the different forms and levels of energy. I was never open to thee wonderful experiences I am currently enjoying now. I have never truly known the meaning of the work “FREEDOM” before now!
I have now moved into a little place which the Universe found for me. I now have a car, all brand new whitegoods (fridges, microwaves, washers, dryers etc), a house full of furniture, T.V. and video etc. It has now only been 3 months since I surrendered my life and soul to the Universe, and already it has provided so much! Miracles are REAL – they have happened to ME!
I have now spent the next 2 years discovering who I am, and learning to love the things I liked about myself … and changing the things I didn’t like about me. I have spent this time alone – as a hermit would – my spirit needed deep mending. I had to break down the structure of my foundation and re-build it so I could love it! I have now attained a respectable level of love, reverence, harmony, co-operation, forgiveness, humbleness and trust (placed appropriately, of course). I couldn’t move forward with so much anger in my life – I had to forgive in order to feel the core of love. This was a very hard thing to do – so I placed myself in the shoes of the other person; and wept tears at what they may have been going through themselves at the time. It was so easy to forgive when I felt the genuine tears fall from my heart. This didn’t mean to say that I needed to have these people in my life, but I was able to let them go with love.
I receive miraculous gifts every day. Everyone does. It’s just a matter of opening your eyes and looking around at the beauty surrounding you … you can see it if you look hard enough! My questions are always answered by the Universe now. If I feel tired, I just let the Universe take the controls – and I drive along on ‘auto-pilot’ until I feel strong enough to take the controls once again. Works every time!
I went back to school and did 2 different courses in 2003. I found a wonderful man in my class and we instantly connected. Needless to say, Richard is now my husband!
I have come so far now … it is now Christmas 2008 … a very special celebration for ME and the Universe! I have been showered with precious miracles every day. I’m so happy the suicides never worked, and am even more happier now I’ve surrendered … I am a proud and happy mother of 2 beautiful daughters, 2 grandsons and a precious new little granddaughter – a darling husband and a sweet little puppy, Patrick who is ‘our baby’! I celebrate these years with so much gratitude! It was only a short 7 years ago that I had nothing to my name and no one to love me! I am at the peak of my happiness … yet know there is so much more to come! The gratitude is oozing from every pore of my skin!
This year 2008 – has been such a huge year full of many miracles! I have so much to be grateful … the Universe holds me in the palm of its hand, and I KNOW I won’t be tipped upside down! I have now attained 3 certificates from studying different courses at school, I have 2 delightful daughters, 2 grandsons and we have moved into a beautiful house, we were delighted with the arrival of a precious little granddaughter named Summer Lily in June. And as I sit and finish this; I ponder, shaking my head in amazement, at all the blessings I have received since this time in the year 2000! The more gratitude I have, the more blessings I receive.

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