★How do I become more emotionally independent?

I’ve been working on my emotional independence. I read about it here and there. I think I need a push from you guys. Give me your advice. How do I become MORE independent emotionally..

I need more sources of happiness in my life..

You see.. I’ve been attached to my hubby, wayyy too attached.. I was the perfect housewife, too perfect it hurt.. I was getting more and more obsessed with him.. It made both of us unhappy. Or maybe just me, mainly.. anywhoo!.

Then I started loving myself, I talked to God, I educated myself more, got me a significant job in the governmental sector, and got back to my social circle of friends and family.. I became happy all the time..

But I still think about him A LOT.. I want him out of my mind for a change.. I’m afraid I might go back to where I’ve been.. My life seems to start revolving around him again,, HELP !!

Oh Aisha, you have come to the right place!!!
I can actually hear Laurie’s words right now – but I will not quote her (instead let’s wait and see what she replies!)

From me, inexperienced as I am with married life (I am a newly wed), I have learnt HERE ON THIS SITE the importance of being 100% dedicated to self. To self care, to self love, to self belief etc, in order to make a marriage work. I have had wonderful advice and support on this matter and I hope you will too. Its all about balance and in order to acheive this balance, you must put your mental and emotional health before anything else – It sound selfish, BUT as you will here from others, you cannot love others unless you fully love yourself. You cannot fully respect and be respected unless you repect yourself wholeheartedly.
Nobody ‘loves’ a doormat…..they simply become used to them being there….

Congratulations on all your acheivements and for getting yourself out there. That takes self will and a willingness to give to others. There it is again that duality – willing to give to self and others….

I cant wait to hear the advice you get from the wonderful people on this site.

Good luck and wishing you abundant blessings on your kind and sensitive heart.

Here is something that Laurie once posted which gave me alot of insight re: Detachment

by Ralph Marston entitled:It’s Your Life (added this quote to post)

There’s no sense in fighting over the scraps that others might or might not throw under the table. Instead, get busy and create your own magnificent feast.

Stop going from door to door begging for someone else to solve all your problems for you.

Instead pick a formidable challenge, work your way through it, and you’ll build plenty of strength and experience to handle whatever situations come your way.

What possible use is there in developing elaborate arguments that place the blame for your difficulties on someone else? Put your energy into creating a brilliant future, not into fighting over what has already been left behind.

This is your life. The only person who can successfully live it is you.

Do you really think you can ever find fulfillment by signing over your control and responsibility to someone else? You’re here to live and to do, not to merely observe and complain.

Nothing that could ever be done for you or handed to you can come close to the experience of making a positive difference in your own unique way. This is your life, so jump right in and live the exquisite richness as you make your own way through.

In response to Aisha’s post:
Before, I say much..What really are you saying ->that you want him out of your mind? Do you consider him before you know how you feel about something? Can you enjoy your life without picturing what he’d think? Can you plan your life in ways that help you help you, or are you confused by your blocks of time, and how to focus on yourself? Let me know a bit about what you mean?

There are many different levels of being too involved with another.

When I was a newlywed people would ask how I was, and I’d say fine. They’d ask me was it because I was doing various this and that for myself?? I’d say no with enthusiasm and delight..and think..about my hubby, he just got a raise, or he just got a new job..
Wrong answer..Yes we are affected by our significant others, that’s one reason they are called significant. Though, your spouse is not you.
[While the happiness of others is significant, especially your life-partner..to you, Without you, you are less to him, less to yourself and less to other individual or even a project… ].

Your life becomes more full, as you let go of those you love to be who they are and who they are becoming…..while you do the same.

Letting go, doesn’t mean lack of interest, it means prioritizing relationships.

Where is God (or your understanding of Something Greater Than Yourself) in all this? That’s 1 relationship. Where are you in your priorities? Where is your spouse? Where is the relationship? Where ARE YOU?

To the question, how does one become emotionally independent:

Understand feeling discouraged isn’t always bad.

Feeling misunderstood isn’t always comfortable, but if you understand you and you are doing all you can to keep growing…having someone else ‘get’ who you are is truly secondary.

If you find out you can’t “make yourself” be understood, you have choices learn better techniques of sharing who you are and what’s on your mind.

Or,

find people who take the time, care differently and either have more in common with you or simply understand and accept your unique qualities.

Or accept, that you aren’t understood, and find reward in other dimensions of the relationships you’re “weighing out”…

Have you ever had a job, that you needed to go to…and no one seemed to grasp much about you? So..you get along, do your job, and somehow reap other benefits/rewards, right? Now of course that’s work, where there are often ‘more’ power struggles (more people, places and things that you often cannot negotiate) than in 1 on 1 chosen love relationships.. Anyway that is my take, for what it’s worth(:

In response to anoushka’s post:

“Nobody ‘loves’ a doormat…..they simply become used to them being there….”

Ouch! I kind of needed that tough love of yours though :-)

Thanks Anoushka for the rich comment..

I know I’m late, sorry!

In response to aftab’s post:

Thanks Aftab.. It’s huge I have to print it out..

In response to Laurie~LovesFocusingWell’s post:

OH MY GOD lauri you make all the sense in the world..You totally get me.. Keep talking please I’m all ears.. Or in this case, keep typing I’m all eyes lol

“Do you consider him before you know how you feel about something?”

Yeah :-(

Can you enjoy your life without picturing what he’d think? Lately, yes Thank God.. I can do that, to some extent.. :-)

In response to Laurie~LovesFocusingWell’s post:

“If you find out you can’t “make yourself” be understood, you have choices learn better techniques of sharing who you are and what’s on your mind.

Or,

find people who take the time, care differently and either have more in common with you or simply understand and accept your unique qualities.
Or accept, that you aren’t understood, and find reward in other dimensions of the relationships you’re “weighing out”…”

you just saved my life..

What about you guys sharing tips on how you express your love to yourselves?( you know, in order to be emotionally independant)

I believe it’s always important to go back to the basics….start fresh. Do what you do to start a brand new day, start a brand new you as often as you need to..whether it’s meditation, prayer, a combo…Ask yourself the important questions..and do so with joy, love and respect.

Ask yourself how you feel..really feel. Ask yourself what you want to do…what you need to do..Negotiate with yourself, but don’t compromise you.

Applaud you and support you through everything..as you would a child who is learning anything over and over again, and doesn’t want criticism for having to hear it all again and again..

You have an infinite way of approaching, addressing things..Wow! Isn’t it incredible how we sometimes get stuck in only wanting or seeing something in 1 way that doesn’t speak to our healthiest self..??

Find that part of you that is way down…get’s ignored…wants contact with the You that overrides your basic loving self…That’s not the self you are satisfying so no one leaves you..It’s the self that you love and respect more than other person in the world.

When you find that person…stay in contact..That person doesn’t just go with you…it grows with you..That person for you ladies/or gents is the little girl/little boy you stopped talking to because you wanted more from her, when she hadn’t received the guidance or support how..at one time..She still needs you..Things come up that remind her of the unmet needs once. Since no one comes from perfect beginnings..(because families don’t come with rule books), you must educate her/him, you must take her/him hand in new situations.
What is absolutely cool about this process, there is a part of you that has been dishing out how to live and dragging this little unnurtured self around…and she/or he.. is just waiting for you to stop, listen and love.

Laurie I love you soooo..

I wanna talk about your comment which made HUGE sense to me.. maybe in private..one day..

Thank you for everything..

In response to Aisha's post:

 

Independence is something we allow... by loving ourselves at least a  hair more than those you love the most. The more you love yourself, and desire more for you...where ...at first has nothing to do with another...

then 

it seems 

what you love with another ... not only has a chance... it often multiplies(:

 

I am never amazed how most of us are in love with love... And we love that feeling soooo much.

I am also never amazed how most of us need to learn the lesson that we can feel even better once we learn to have a focus of self love, and self care before anything or anyone else. 

We don't have to worry that we will stay stuck on self ...like no one else exists... Because the more we get into how to value and demonstrate awesome energy to ourselves-we can't help but want to love others with everything we've got!