Hey Everyone,
Had an urge to write about depression, not sure why, I’m not depressed, but, for some reason the topic crossed my mind. I don’t spend as much time on bmindful as I used to, but, I don’t recall seeing this topic lately and maybe someone out there is in need.
Depression is a very real thing. I had it. I had it for a long time. The people around me knew I had it. They told me I had it. Even though I was depressed and everyone knew it, I was in a “sort of” denial about it. I’ll first describe what it was like for me, and then I’m going to tell you a little trick depression plays on you.
How I felt with depression: An unending feeling of hopelessness and sadness. I no longer laughed. Ever. I mean it, I NEVER laughed. If I found some reason to smile about something I felt GUILTY. I might even say I felt ashamed to laugh. It was as if I had no right to smile and if I did I deserved to feel guilty about it. When I had depression, and this is hard for some people to really understand, but, when I had depression it was quite literally like a cloud was following me around. I wish I could express to you how REAL that could was. It is so real that you can ALMOST see it. I absolutely cannot express this enough. I could feel its constant presence and it was as if out of the side of my eye I really could see a cloud there. A ghost cloud was always there. Always. Now, I knew something was wrong, but, the depression keeps telling you, almost literally, that “no, you are not depressed, this is just how life is, you are just complaining, everyone goes through life like this”. You KNOW that something is wrong and your experience of life is out of wack, but, that depression just keeps on talking to you so you avoid, avoid, avoid doing anything about it. Depression brainwashes you. The people around you are aware of it, some of them will even try to help you or get you to acknowledge that you need help, but, you just keep living in denial. You feel like the world would be better off without you. You feel like the lives of the people around you would be better off if you weren’t around. You will think of the different ways you could kill yourself. You might even start planning how you will do it, and you might even start planning on where to do it so no one will be able to save you. My plan was to go out into the wilderness so that no help would be available in case I had a botched attempt. My rational mind said, “you are being selfish and you are going to hurt others who love you by killing yourself”, but, that brainwashing is right there to assure you that everyone would be better off without you. I was genuinely trying to escape pain that was so deep and so full of anxiety that I knew, I absolutely KNEW that if I didn’t get some help that I WOULD kill myself soon. I made myself go see a doctor who immediately said that I was suffering from severe depression. Since I had already been researching depression – one of the reasons I found bmindful years ago in the first place – I had a feeling that I knew a medication that might help. Well, I told the Dr what I wanted to try – after breaking down emotionally in his office – and he prescribed it for me. Well, I don’t think they really know how depression medications work, but, I took the medication as I was supposed to. At first I noticed no difference. I kept taking the medication. Then, one day, I was in the shower and something happened. I started singing. It startled me so much when I realized that I was singing in the shower, that the realization caused a real physical reaction within me, within my heart. A shudder of overwhelming relief came over me. Something real was happening. Something real and I KNEW it was real. My realization was short, but, it was significant and, in a way, it was profound. I didn’t say anything to anyone about it at first, I didn’t want to jinx myself. I was, not kidding, I was a little afraid to tell anyone. From my perspective – part of the self-brainwashing power of depression – all this depression stuff was just nothing, I was normal and just kidding myself that I thought I was depressed, AND not only that, but, I was being silly and whiney and weak ‘cause all that was really wrong with me was that I just wasn’t up to dealing with what everyone else in the world WAS coping with and coping with daily. I kept my mouth shut, hoped against hope that when I what I had experienced in the shower was, indeed, a real change. Well, that little change turned out to be real. Not long after that I was at a friends house and another thing happened that I can’t stress enough ASTONISHED ME, and, and actually ‘caused everyone else in the room to notice me. It was this. I laughed. Everyone noticed it. I noticed it. I laughed a genuine laugh. I still felt guilty about it, but, deep down inside I knew that my guilt was misplaced. I knew in my mind that Depression was full of it and that there was nothing wrong with laughing. I wasn’t all the way out of the woods yet, but, I knew that Depression wasn’t a figment of my imagination – it wasn’t just “normal” sadness. I knew it was real. It couldn’t hide anymore. I knew that that cloud was real and I knew that it wasn’t supposed to be there. I didn’t take that medication very long, but, it helped me find my way out.
Well, I have rambled on a lot, and I don’t dismiss in any way that medication did help me, but, it wasn’t just the medication. Bmindful helped me and I also helped myself. I helped myself a lot through my own reading. The things I read about depression and life in general both before and during my actual Depression were all useful to me. I think much of what I learned helped keep Depression at bay. I’m not depressed anymore. I haven’t been for a very long time now, but, I wanted to share that stuff in case it could help anyone out there who is struggling. I know what Depression is now. I even remember recognizing a time after my initial escape when it tried to approach me again. I recognized it for what it was. Even then, it tried to con me and tell me it was “nothing”, but, I was not fooled. I saw the cloud. Just my ability to recognize it was enough this time. I listened to my own store of knowledge and wisdom this time around and sent the depression packing before it could take root. I mention this ‘cause although medication may be necessary, another powerful tool that really, really helped me personally was reading the words of philosophers. Self-help is good, but, for me, philosophy was the greater tool. By reading the thoughts of several different philosophers, I had tools in my own head that I could use. I think those tools combined with some spiritual reading and self-help stuff have built up my immunity to depression. I’m far from a perfect person. I’m not a giddy type person. I’m even a bit cynical at times. I lean toward seriousness most of the time and a calm demeanor, but, there is one thing I am definitely NOT – and that is depressed. I am not depressed and that is a big thing. If you or someone you know is depressed, don’t give up. I didn’t and I made my way through, hopefully you or your loved one can too.
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.
— Gandalf, J.R.R. Tolkien
I’m Alright
Life Less Ordinary
