★Letting Go of the Past

(NOTE TO SELF)

We all go through different processes in our lives for different things and different reasons. Some things take a long time. If we hear or read the right words, though, when the time is right, those words can act like medicine for our souls. I often think of past relationship, and I, and maybe you too, dwell on things in our past more than we ought to. Thinking of what we should have done or might have done differently. It can be debilitating. Holding on to the past can and does keep up from doing the 180 that we need to do, at least sometimes I’m sure it does. We may not WANT to see the possibilities ‘cause we are absorbed in the past. But, IF we were to turn around, and IF we were to grab onto something new, then maybe we wouldn’t WANT to “fix” the past so much. Those things from the past, if you learned something from them (and you did), can make your future better IF you will let it. IF you will turn around. Stop crying over the spilled milk. Go get some more milk.

Thank you, Smart Routines,

Your thread stirs so many thoughts in me… It definitely reminds me of my early, very personal phases of my development. So, my thoughts are less about the relationships and how we went about learning to let go, but more about the process of bonding.

IMHO, it is more validating to look at quality and the strength of those initial bonds and then we can look newly at why it was so difficult to learn to let go.

There is something very unique and very powerful about the primary bonding in these relationships. It is the strongest bonds, these initial bonds. No bond will ever be stronger. In fact, every subsequent bond after that first bond will be weaker. The third bond will be weaker than the second bond, and so forth. The intensity of love could be high, but the quality of the bond will never be as powerful as the primary bond. And every time we leave another relationship, we learn to leave it quicker and it is much less painful because the bond is less and less. Bonding and love are two separate and distinct experiences.

Very interesting, Kathi. I hope you’ll expound more on this topic. I read something the other day I’ll try to find regarding relationships. I thought it was very good. It was from a book called “Your Own Worst Enemy”. I haven’t read it, but, I just scanned a few pages of it and what I read made me want to read the whole book.

Here is the passage…

For those accustomed to sailing through life effortlessly, real relationships present unaccustomed demands. It takes more than social contact, good times, clever conversations, interesting stories, and lively exchanges to make a friendship. Profound relationships develop over years and involve all that it means to be human.

To be profoundly satisfying, relationships require wisdom, sincerity, honesty, reflection, forbearance, self-control, patience, and time. This in itself is a tall order. But, they also involve risks. SLPP’s are often at the center of a lively discussion at a party and are, as we have seen, likeable ad often well-liked. But they often have few truly profound friendships because they prefer to avoid hassles and exposure to rejection. Some SLHPP’s reduce risks of rejection by never inviting and always waiting to be invited. Eventually, people drop away. Intimate relationships require even more work, and if you skip over learning the skills that relationships demand, the complexities can overwhelm you. As with any other achievement, investing energy produces rewards.

———————
The SLPP and SLHPP are terms from the book referring to self limiting people of one type or another.

Thanks, its absolutely fascinating to me…

There is one really distinguished author, Bert Hellinger… He really stands out. What an amazing person he is, he is still alive. He is a German psychotherapist. Very interesting life, you can read about him online. He is most known for his professional contribution which was his work with the family constellation. He also did a systemic constellation. Very powerful and effective tool which he taught to many therapists in advanced classes. There was actually very little written about his theory however, thank goodness this one man finally went in a tapped a few of the weekend seminar training that he offered, and he translated it from German. Its absolutely ground breaking, and its still highly relevant, even today.

There are a few Bert Hellinger books that I have been deeply influenced by:
1. Loves Hidden Symmetry: what makes love work in relationships.
2. Loves own truths: bonding and balance in close relationships.

The books are fantastic, and every time I read books from Bert’s lectures, I am just completely grounded. He definitely was a pioneer. His contribution is unmatched. I do not know why he is not more widely known…

Great share!

I want to hear everything you have to tell me about bonding. I think it is a fascinating topic.

I am totally flooded with thoughts!!!

I have so much that I want to say!
Yes, your thread is really stirring!!!

Personal conscience and guilt and innocence
(Excerpt taken from Bert Hellinger’s book, Loves hidden symmetry, p 5).

In all relationships, fundamental needs interact in complex ways. There are 3 basic needs in order for any relationship to evolve.
1. The need to belong; the need for bonding.
2. The need to maintain balance of giving and taking, equilibrium.
3. The need for safety, that is, for order.

We all feel these needs instinctually and these needs challenge us and compel us and limit our choices, whether we like it or not, to objectives that conflict with our personal wishes and pleasures. These needs constrain our relationships, and also make them possible because they both reflect and enable our fundamental need to relate intimately to others. Our relationships succeed when we are able to fill these needs and balance them with one another, and they become dysfunctional and destructive when we can’t. With every action we take that affects others, we feel guilty or innocent. We constantly discriminate between what serves and what hinders our relationships.

When our actions endanger or damage our relationships, we feel guilt and we feel innocence when our actions serve them. By binding us so firmly to the groups that are necessary for our survival, our feelings of guilt or innocence often bind us to what is good and evil.

Guilt feels like exclusion and alienation when our belonging is endangered. When it is well served, we feel innocence as intimate inclusion and closeness.

Guilt feels like indebtedness and obligation when our giving and taking is not balanced. When they are well served, feel innocence as entitlement and freedom.

Guilt feels like transgression and as fear of consequence or punishment when we deviate from a social order. We feel innocence with respect to social order as conscientiousness and loyalty.

Conscience demands in the service of one need what it forbids in the service of another, and it may allow us in the service of one what it forbids in the service of another.

How conscience guards bonding
Conscience bonds us to the persons and the group necessary for our survival regardless of the conditions they set for our belonging. Children accommodate without question to the groups into which they are born. Young children experience their bonding to their family as love and good fortune, no matter how the family nourished or neglects them, and they experience their family’s values and habits as good, no matter what the family believes or does.

In the service of bonding, conscience reacts to everything that enhances or endangers our bonding. Our conscience is clear when we act so that our continued belonging to our group is assured, and we have guilty conscience when we deviate from the norms of our group and fear that our right to belong is jeopardized or damaged.

I really like what you are posting. This is good stuff.

In response to Kathi’s post:
In the service of bonding, conscience reacts to everything that enhances or endangers our bonding. Our conscience is clear when we act so that our continued belonging to our group is assured, and we have guilty conscience when we deviate from the norms of our group and fear that our right to belong is jeopardized or damaged.

I can feel what is being said. My confusion is coming from service of bonding please interpret.

In response to Kathi’s post:
actually I need to go to bed…though the conversation is interesting…I’ll read what is written in the morning(: Wish I could stay up a bit longer(:

Thank you Smart Routines and Appreciating!

Ok, here goes:

Acting in the service of our need to belong, conscience bonds us to the persons and groups necessary for our survival regardless of the conditions they set for our belonging.

For example, an oak tree does not choose the ground in which it grows, its environment affects it and it develops differently in an open field, in a deep forest, in a protected valley or a high windy hill. In the same way, children accommodate without question to the groups into which they are born.

Service: A mother corrects her child for breaking a family rule, and she tell the child to play alone in its room for one hour. This serves the social order, but the child would have felt lonely, as love and belonging would have been neglected. For this reason, the mother reduced the a portion of the punishment, and she therefore served with love and innocence.

**Appreciating’s question:

“Service of bonding” is meant what actions that one takes that either generate bonding or undermine it. If two people are in the midst of bonding and wanting to spend time together, then they both clear their schedules so they can be together. If you want to undermine spending time together, double book yourself and create a conflict which will interrupt and impair bonding. This is a very clear form of communication, saying “I am not making myself available to you”.

Conscience and balance in giving and taking

Our relationships – and our experiences of guilt and innocence begin with giving and taking. We feel entitled when we give and we feel obligated when we take. The oscillation between entitlement and obligation is the second fundamental dynamic of guilt and innocence in every relationship. It serves all our relationships, since both giver and taker know peace only when both have given and taken equally.

A gift of love

A missionary in Africa was transferred to a new area. On the morning of his departure, he was visited by a man who had walked several hours to give him a small amount of money as a going away gift. The value of the money was about 30 cents. It was clear to the missionary that the man was thanking him, because he man was ill. He understood that 30 cents was a huge sum of money for this man. He was tempted to give the money back, perhaps even add a bit to it, but upon reflection, he accepted the money and thanked him. Having given in love, he was obliged to take in love as well.

When we receive something from someone, we loose our innocence and our independence. When we take, we feel indebted and beholden to the giver. We truly can’t take anything without feeling the need to give. Taking is a form of guilt.

We feel innocence and carefree and lighthearted when we’ve taken fully and our needs have been satisfied, and when we’ve also given fully in return.

In response to Kathi’s post:
In response to Appreciating˚‘s post:
It’s probably just a semantics thing…for me.

I feel your beautiful examples in parent/child.
Though, wanting to hear more re: When we receive something from someone, we loose our innocence and our independence. When we take, we feel indebted and beholden to the giver. We truly can’t take anything without feeling the need to give. Taking is a form of guilt.

We feel innocence and carefree and lighthearted when we’ve taken fully and our needs have been satisfied, and when we’ve also given fully in return.

• ~
  It’s a wonderful area to explore…though, the part I’d like to hear more about is above passage.. I definitely feel good … when I can fully be myself

…and defining good will be next (:

Though, I feel no conflict when I can be myself. And being myself consists of giving freely. Though, not everyone will enjoy what I offer…or even the spirit in which I’m allowing myself to freely give from… We are natural interpreters…

When anyone is in my path, and tends to ‘take score’ …I feel less desire to be myself (share…bond…negotiate…)

I like the word innocence… I believe that is the place we are trying to return to, before we were aware there were prices to pay … for being with ‘the world’.

I like the word carefree. Once again, it would be hard to be anything else…if we return to innocence.

The more wounded our early days are, the more difficult it is to tap into our early innocence as a reference. The more affected/wounded we become in our lives..our experiences become threaded with a reason to label giving as an energy or service… instead of a spiritual natural occurrence that we tap into…when we tap into the safest place in our spirit…love.

When we become…or associate with anyone that creates protocol for expressing/being love we become guarded.

My feelings…about not taking anything fully without feeling indebted to the giver…may have similarities…though the words used say something different to me.

When you establish/bond with someone… in the spirit of love, rather than neediness …(and when we are younger…we may be freer or more needy than we are aware. And as our love matures…for ourselves and others …&/or with specific others… we have an opportunity to exchange love without obligation.

will return…just waking…

… and with each relationship …it will be different. Though…when we can be …if we are not substantially suffering with physiological/emotional areas… we have more capability to be/give with very little expectation.

I say very little…because if you give someone something of value … one has to release the value with love Once given it no longer belongs to us alone…It’s out there for someone to catch the love or do something that they were trained to do with it….

I say little expectation when giving…because …when we give freely…and the receiver…does the equivalent of punching you in the solar plexus… than we then feel that no-longer-innocent feeling…or lighthearted… feeling.

Some begin to search their spirit for what they did wrong…and others search others for their motives…and some get entangled…with ‘he said she said’ …

To return to love…(not being to name a book) lol. Though my feelings symbolize …the place inside we can return to…without our greatest need to receive. Than the result is often receiving.

The more we we let go of receiving, I believe we have a greater chance to bond spirit to spirit in love. Though…

Though, we are humans…and we have much to learn, and to even get practice in this area…we have to create safety …in our worlds by remembering we have a right to love. It is my belief this right… during some part of our retraining …will be similar to that of a protester holding signs up to ourselves and others.

Then…one day we drop the sign, and we forgive ourselves for not having all the answers, and forgive others for the same. We focus on our spirit, and the loving spirit which resides in all of us, and it can feel like going to the gym

1. “it shouldn’t require so much work to feel good and healthy”
2. “I shouldn’t have to do more and more…I simply want to be”
3. I want results now”
To
1. I love myself, and I allow the work to be love
2. Things don’t always feel great….though with the belief they get better…some aspects always do
3. Though like a gym routine, if it starts to only be painful…something isn’t OK and …the need to see if stopping the interaction/being state is is hurting me… or needs discernment … by myself…with myself …inclusion of Something Greater & or more influential tools…. to create a better foundation …starting fresh with my own nature…and connecting to Source (I call God)
Kathi please share more about taking fully…

• ~
  I reread your examples and hearing beyond my processing…
  want to think about…. therefore served with love and innocence
  will return(:
• ~~~~~~~~~~
  preparing for work…and I quickly wrote some lengthy things which came to me as I woke, please ask for interpretation…would love opportunity to clarify. I too enjoy threads like these…and look forward to others sharing too(: Thank you SRWE for your thread and for SRWE and Kathi for sharing all you have! I also want to put up a link, which defines a bit about love
• ~~~~~~~~~~
  Though in re:to topic Letting Go of the Past… I think we are always doing this…in some way…we are forming ways to effectively utilize past…to actively do something we really choose to do in the present, in reference to the space we hold open for our wonderful future…that is always be given to us and co-created by us….
  (love everything everyone said…to assist me to an even greater moment)
  so looking forward to this dialogue continuing….and possibly moving into new topics of their own. So appreciative(:
• ~
  in re:to the author, info Kathi refers to, I definitely want to read more and hear more. looked up a bit, though have not read any of this persons work in depth. Thank you Kathi for sharing it here…and hope you will continue to share works that have given you much… not sure I prospered from the way you intended,though, don’t think you’d mind that by processing a bit on my own..some other things emerged. Please continue(:

Enjoying reading this and thinking.

Reciprocity comes to mind. Also, children who are raised by terrorists.

Reciprocity can be used to manipulate people, and the need to belong can also be used to indoctrinate.

Thank you for your insights Appreciating.

You asked me to write more about “taking fully”:
The solution is described in the bottom of this post…

Hellinger suggests that there are three typical patterns people adopt for achieving and maintaining innocence with respect to exchange in relationships: Fasting, helping and full exchange.

Fasting:
Some people cling to the illusion of innocence by minimizing their participation in life. Rather than taking fully what they need and feeling beholden, they close themselves off and withdraw from life and need. They feel free from need and obligation, and because they don’t feel need, they need not take. Although they feel beholden to no one and innocent, theirs is the innocence of the uninvolved observer. Their enjoyment of life is limited by the shallowness of their involvement, and they feel correspondingly empty and dissatisfied.

This same could be observed in many people with depression. Their refusal to welcome what life offers develops first in the relationship with one or both of their parents, and later it carries over to other relationships and to the good things of the world. Some people justify their refusal to take with the complaint that what they were given wasn’t enough or was not the right thing. Results remain the same – they remain passive and empty. For example, people who reject or judge their parents – regardless of what their parents may have done – the people typically feel incomplete and lost.

Hellinger says that he observes the opposite in people who have succeeded in taking their parents as they are, and in taking from them everything that was given. They experience this taking as a continuous flow of strength and nourishment that enables them to enter other relationships in which they, too, can take and give richly – even if their parents treated them badly.

Helping
Other people try to maintain innocence by denying their need until after they’ve given enough to feel entitled. Giving before taking allows a fleeting sense of entitlement that dissolves as soon as we’ve taken what we need. People who prefer to maintain their feeling of entitlement rather than to allow others to give to the;m freely say, “Its better for you to feel obligated to me than for me to feel obligated to you.”

Such self centered striving for freedom from need is fundamentally hostile to relationships. Whoever wants only to give without taking clings to an illusion of superiority, rejects the bounty of life, and denies equality to his or her partner. Others soon want nothing from those who refuse to take. Chronic helpers are often lonely and eventually become bitter.

Full exchange
The third and most beautiful path to innocence in giving and taking is the contentment that follows a plentiful exchange of giving and taking, when we have both given and taken fully. This exchange is the heart of the relationship: The giver takes, the taker gives. Both are giver and taker equally.

Not only is the balance of giving and taking important to this innocence, but also in volume. A tiny volume of giving and taking brings no profit; a high volume makes us wealthy. Big volume giving and taking bring with them feelings of abundance and happiness.

Increasing volume
A man loves his wife and wants to give her something. Because she loves him, she accepts his gift gratefully, and as a result feels a need to give. Obedient to her need, she gives to her husband in return, and just to be on the safe side, she gives a little more than she has taken. Because she has given in love, he desires to take what she offers and also reciprocates with a little more. In this way, conscience maintains a dynamic imbalance and the couple’s loving relationship continues with an increasing volume of giving and taking.

In response to Kathi’s post:
Thank you Kathi… read and will digest this even beyond today(: For the most part I can see the emotional investment-equity you are referring to.

Thank you for this wonderful thread. The sharing and processing I’ve done so far …added positively to my day…thank you both again(:

One more thing about those initial bonds, I reflect back on Smart Rountines initial post of this thread, and I just want to acknowledge, Yes, “it does take a long time”!

Most people will carry those initial bonds for an entire lifetime!

And, don’t you know how many love songs are written about that initial era of innocence…? There are so many songs, and its all about that first true love…

If anything, it makes me more compassionate towards today’s young people. Its an amazing thing, for anyone, the first time you truly bond with another. Its a life event unlike any thing else!

In response to Kathi’s post:
wonderful thoughts and simply a wonderful thread!

reminds me of this song Feels Like The First Time
some lyrics:
It feels like the first time
Feels like the very first time
It feels like the first time
It feels like the very first time

But now that I’ve found you
Together we’ll make history

• after hearing more clarification…rereading entire thread & your beautiful affirmations below… really valuing this thread differently and appreciating more(:

Thank you Appreciating!! Thats a great example!

I can think of so many great songs…
It absolutely fills of my mind and my senses!

Today’s affirmation:
I am so grateful for All that I’ve learned and for All that I’ve loved!

I am amazed, looking at how far I’ve come!

I will always honor the experience of my innocence, my purity, my naivety, my overwhelm of being in love for the first time… There were so many powerful feelings that just over took me…!

My body, mind and spirit will always cherish the first time I fell in love…
I’m still smiling!! Any my heart is laughing!!

Truly, that was the best single event of my adult life, even though I had absolutely no control over anything in my life, at that time!

I truly am grateful; I wouldn’t change anything for my journey…

My heart is calm now, and my heart is still so completely strong. I just know my Self a whole lot more! I could never love like that again, even if I wanted to… Its just not possible! And that is what we call discernment…!

you don’t need anyone to tell you… though for myself, it was an awesome experience witnessing the work, the celebration and the freedom. Thanks so much for the wonderful sharing(:

Thanks Appreciating!

What an interesting thread —- and what a great little flash back…!!!

I’m still smiling, even giggling, or shuttering, at the width and the depth of innocence lost!

Or, innocence identified. It was really valuable to look back and SMILE!!!

We are ALL innocent, believe me Adai….

Song by Sarah McLachlan

Here are some really great affirmations, which I would like to share.

I believe that the following affirmations/thoughts have a great vibrational quality. They are very, very pure. And, when it comes to “Letting go of the past”, I challenge my Self to dive deeper in to me…

I knew my self as a child who was a sister, a daughter, a friend, a neighbor, a cousin, a grade schooler… on and on… As a child, I only knew my self by knowing others, by knowing my relationship to how I fit into the world at large.

Now, I choose to know about the world of me, know my energy, know what my energy is and how to handle or channel my self, my gifts, how to handle living in the now… Keep choosing the next right thing, and so forth.

I know me. I am really just learning newly. I know that there is no one else exactly like me, in all the world. Even my own twin (I am an identical twin!) she is not exactly like me.

I am as unique as my own expression; the sound of my voice, the musical note of my soul… like a fine and rare perfume, or flower… I have both a musical note and I have a scent.
No one in the entire world has exactly what I have, my soul, and its unique quality, bathed in living light and color, indescribable beauty, essence.

I choose this life.
I choose these lessons.
And now, I choose ME.
I choose myself over (suffering) all obstacles/barriers.
I choose forgiveness because I AM worth much, much much more…
I let go and I allow all the doors of the past to be open, peacefully and joyfully.
All is well.
I am not afraid and not attached to the past.
I am one with my Self.
I am grounded. I am safe. I am wanted. My being matters very much!

I am defined by my ability to communicate and make known who I am and to declare my intentions in the now.

One of my favorite affirmations is:
I choose this life (Say this 4 times, and every time you repeat this, emphasize a different word.)

In response to Smart_Routines_With_Enthusiasm’s post:

love this SRWE
But, IF we were to turn around, and IF we were to grab onto something new, then maybe we wouldn’t WANT to “fix” the past so much. Those things from the past, if you learned something from them (and you did), can make your future better IF you will let it

In response to Kathi’s post:
This is beautiful Kathi! All of it! I especially like As a child, I only knew my self by knowing others, by knowing my relationship to how I fit into the world at large. I wonder how many individuals take the time to truly grasp, that as children… unless you were related to as the unique special person you are… the adult in us can have moments …of going back there…instead of the ‘home’ place they’ve established with their spirit. And even if as children we received this… it may have not been ‘perfect’ enough to hold a space for all we really grow to value about ourselves…beyond what others valued in us.

That is a powerful realization, and sharing the roles, and your uniqueness. Thanks for including related and shining affirmations too(:

:) Thanks!!

A very powerful thread!

These last couple of years I have done some (more) extensive work on the past … it didn’t matter if I perceived it as wonderful or not the best times .. my goal .. if you will - was to give adequate context … with the help of prayer & other phenomenal tools.

I didn’t want to forget anything . I just didn’t want to live ‘back there’ either.

In actuality, IMHO, we cannot gather as much as we think of the past , unless we truly have a timr machine. We can’t not  perfectly recall all that created a moment for ourselves let alone anyone else . 

A friend of mine asked me the most perfect question yesterday . I was tired and we both are very open & honest w/ one another … so I answered her question right off the cuff.

This is what she asked of me.

What would I change in my life if I could . 
I answered her 2 ways … ( therefore 2 x)

to be continued 

 

In response to AM allowing & creating WONDERFUL's post:

My first thought right off the cuff - & I meant it with every ounce of me… I wouldn’t change a thing 

I have been able to see how everything led to whatever it was ‘supposed to lead to’

I imagine a life that thrives on gratitude and appreciation has helped this way of being.

My friend thought I would say that - she said.

Though, while I didn’t elaborate too much… my friend & many others that I have shared my thoughts on this with … haven’t grasped what I really meant by this.

People have believed I have had a ‘perfect’ life. They have believed never had an experience that really set be back… lol 

Hello, I am human.

 

In response to AM allowing & creating WONDERFUL's post:
Whether I was child , a young child , an older child , a young adult or a much older adult … learning was involved - because when do we really know everything as opposed to thinking we do ? Lol

Learning and life experiences are filled with ups & downs & the endless stories we tell ourselves or allow others to interject .

I don’t regret anything because I accept whatever was to be in this moment .It did take every person , place & thing to get ‘here’

Though most of all it took letting go, surrendering- prayer to allow this moment to be about this moment .

In response to AM allowing & creating WONDERFUL's post:

My second response to my friend would have changed all of my history . Don’t get me wrong … I do feel my 2nd response had merit … it just like SRWE said in his intro of this thread - it’s spilled milk & it’s time for new milk .

Though I will tell you my 2nd answer anyway.

I would have wanted greater awareness of the people I loved the most , so I could hear them

better, know them even better , serve them even better .

Life is a ‘funny’ thing - it doesn’t allow any do overs … Why do we want to go back and desire to ‘fix’ anything - when in reality it’s done?

For myself , I ‘enjoyed’ looking back to reinterpret how I could have known more before I knew more so I could have been better .

I just also know my Creator didn’t have me go thru things not to grow thru things - so I can not only be a ‘better self’ today - though I can also appreciate like there is no tomorrow.

Quote I love / though cannot find coming soon

though it basically said

live like it’s the last day of your life

and the first day of your vacation 

 

It basically was saying to

me we don’t know how long we will be here - so live your life with what you understand automatically…and plan it & enjoy it

like you are on vacation 

 

I’n the mean time these quotes by Albert Einstein seem

very fitting :

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

Life is a preparation for the future; and the best preparation for the future is to live as if there were none.
Albert Einstein

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." ~ Albert Einstein

"Information is not knowledge. The only source of knowledge is experience. You need experience to gain wisdom." ~ Albert Einstein

"Don't listen to the person who has the answers; listen to the person who has the questions." ~ Albert Einstein

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." ~ Albert Einstein

"The more I study science, the more I believe in God." ~ Albert Einstein

"A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it." ~ Albert Einstein

"Be a voice not an echo." ~ Albert Einstein

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." ~ Albert Einstein

Bookmark