★Heard a Good Joke Lately?'

˚ up & at’em 💗  

Posted on 10/02/2009. Last edited on 06/12/2018.

It has been awhile since I’ve heard a good joke;the kind that makes me laugh outloud and make me want to recall it long enough to tell someone else. Have you? Would love to hear a good one(:

Whilst at Woodford this year, this guy had started talking to the table next to him and was told this joke. I overheard it and was glad to be sitting down, I couldn’t contain myself :)

It is especially funny because I know plenty of Maori’s and lived in NZ for ten years so I am familiar with the accent. I’m going to kind of kill it by explaining it, but oh well :)

—

Q. What did the Jew say to the Maori?

A. Hebrew

—

Because of the accent, Maori’s (and New Zealanders in general) say ‘Hee Brew’ when they mean ‘Hey Bro’, and Maori’s say ‘Hey Bro’ a lot :)

It’s weird because it’s the only joke I’ve ever remembered! I’ve forgotten every single other joke I’ve ever heard!

Hi Laurie, I received this one in my inbox recently, I had quite a chuckle, its call The Divorced Barbie….there was a small rude addition added to end of joke, I replaced it.

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?’

The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: ‘It ‘s what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends and key chain of Kens whatits.

Okay, here’s one. I’ll have to explain a little first. In college football Arkansas and Texas used to be in the same conference and so we used to tell Aggie jokes; an aggie being a Texas fan, and always presumed to be stupid.

There was an aggie sitting in the football stands watching a game. The stands were very full and very noisy, but the aggie hears someone behind him over the din yealling “Haaayyyyy Daaaveee!” So he stands up and peers all through the crowd trying to figure out who yelled. He eventually gives up looking and sits back down. A few minutes later he hears it again, even louder, “Hay, Dave!” Once again he stands up and looks all around and eventually gives up and sits down. Well guess what? That’s right, once again, even louder he hears “Hay Dave! This time he stands up and yells back at the top of his lungs, “My name’s not Dave!”

Here’s some:

What did one statue say to the other? Is Statue bro? (this is a maori joke!)

Two baked beans when on holidays but ended up in Cairns.

How do you know a Hippy’s stayed at your house? They’re still there.

HAHAHA that statue bro joke is one of my all time favorites :P

A Scotsman walked into the local newspaper office wanting to place a death notice for his recently deceased wife. The lady asked what he wanted the ad to say.
“Maggie’s dead” replied the widower.
The lady tried to be helpful and explained that for the same price he can use up to six words.
He thought about it for a minute and replied, “Maggie’s dead, For Sale 1991 Volvo”.

ABSENT FROM SCHOOL TODAY

The telephone rings in the principal’s office at a school.

“Hello, this is Dunn Elementary,” answers the principal.

“Hi. Jimmy won’t be able to come to school all next week,” replies the voice.

“Well, what seems to be the problem with him?”

“We are all going on a family vacation,” says the voice, “I hope it is all right.”

“I guess that would be fine,” says the principal. “May I ask who is calling?”

“Sure. This is my father!”

TWO NUNS SHOPPING

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached across the counter and grabbed a bag of pretzel sticks and placed it with the beer, saying, “The curlers are on me.”

SPAGHETTI

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey’, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’

‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: ‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.’

—————————————————————————————————————-

A Job interviewer asks a man, ‘‘Why did you leave your last job’‘?
‘‘It was something my boss said, he replies.
‘‘What did he say?’‘
‘’ You’re fired! ‘’

An Atheist walking through the woods ‘What majestic trees! ‘What powerful rivers! ‘What beautiful animals! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 9-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He
rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top
of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw
to strike him.. At that instant the Atheist cried out, ‘Oh my God!’ Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. ‘You
deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and
even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you
out of this predicament?’ Am I to count you as a believer? The
atheist looked directly into the light, ‘It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you
could make the BEAR a Christian’? ‘Very well,’ said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: ‘Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.’

In response to themadcookieman’s post:
Hee Hee MCM! Bravo! Love it! You really cheered up my working day!!
:)

In response to Pure Essence’s post:
In response to Godscreation’s post:
Loved your jokes too!!!

This is a cheap shot – but very funny! Sorry Guys!!

SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la Casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
Groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the
Feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
Is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
Possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
Spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine (‘el computador’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won!!

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women.

Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.”
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!” Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said, “I don’t know. My wife told me to stand here.”

In response to anoushka’s post:

I loved your joke! There is a lot of truth to it! (:

˚ up & at’em 💗  

Posted on 12/02/2020. Last edited on 13/02/2020.

(looking forward to coming back)

˚ up & at’em 💗  

Posted on 13/02/2020.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear? " Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."