wow, you always put so much in one post and so many things to think about all at once
I am currently reading a book titled DIFFICULT PERSONALITIES ~ a practical guide to managing the hurtful behavior of others (and maybe your own) ~
I have a particularly difficult person on my team and I am often left gasping for air as that is how much he can frustrate me. My fist concern was that I needed to understand him, how to talk to him, how to react, and best how to manage him as he is the most smug, arrogant, negative person I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. The fact that he has horrendous hygiene and body odor is whole other problem. Anyhow this book has helped me to understand that I have been doing every right from the get go and so I guess I just need to listen to and trust my intuition more often.
As I read through this book and I came to different chapters on various personalities I couldn’t believe how on the mark it is. It was almost as if that person were sitting right in front of me and I was having a conversation with them.
The book has helped me to understand why people do or say what they do.
In general people are born with a fear factor. Fear of acceptance, fear of approval. Fear of not finding love. Fear of being alone. Many fears.
to disguise these fears, because we do not others to see us a weak link, the person learns and adopts abusive behavior patterns.
They become arrogant and abusive. Passive aggressive and dominating. Anxious and worrisome. In some cases simply give up and give into their fear by not being able to make decisions or care for themselves.
For the most part the book suggests we cannot change others.
We must understand they come from different backgrounds.
We must treat others with respect and compassion.
We must keep them in their place and not let them use us to fulfill their need for whatever satisfaction they are hoping to gain.
The book also helps to take a look at out own personality and how others might see us.
This book helps to affirm the self talk and affirmation speak that I have begun to learn on this site.
Posted on 17/03/2012.
In response to db…‘s post:
db this is such a powerful thread and what an enormous amount of life changing information. Thank you as well Dorthy Marie I already found help with the “dealing with difficult people.”
A while back, for reasons I’m not going to go into now I said something very harsh to DB on this site. I did it to get his attention and it clearly worked. I got the result I was looking for. I won’t go into that either. It also did something I did not intend. It really hurt someone who I truly believe is a good, kind and intelligent person. DB, if you read this, I want to apologize for that. I also want to add that I am a pretty forthright person most of the time and, though I do try to be pretty precise and clear back when I confronted DB I was forthright, but I wasn’t being FAIR enough OR KIND enough with what I said and how I said it. I was irritated with something and fed up with something and I should have spoken with him privately about the matter before I chastised him publicly. DB is a good person and as far as resources, his threads are some of the best on this site. I particularly like his thread that has all the music resources listed. I have and have read many of the same books that he lists and can attest to the quality of his choices. DB also has a great love for music and in my opinion a very sophisticated and refined ear. I say that as a “music” person. Once upon a time DB contributed to conversations and had many insightful comments. In my own arrogance and pride I went for a long time without even reading any of his threads or posts. I know why I ignored what he had to say and for MORE reasons I don’t want to go into I don’t believe it was wrong for me to do so, however, I don’t feel that way now. I hope that I will be able to read what he says again with an open mind and heart. Only time will tell on that score. I do not know what is in DB’s heart, but I do believe he is a good person. I don’t know what he has been through in his life or where he is on his journey, but I do know – I believe that it is obvious – that he has a caring heart and much to give. I know one spiritual teacher he likes a lot is Wayne Dwyer. Out of respect for DB I’d like to quote Wayne Dwyer: Conflict cannot survive without your participation. DB, I will not participate in a conflict with you. Instead, I offer you a sincere apology for having hurt you. I believe you know, but just in case you misunderstood my post the other day, when I said that “I was soooooo enlightened”, my intent was not to mock spirituality or women, it was to make light of myself, and, true, to poke some fun at some other things as well. Another thing I won’t explain here, but if anyone wants to have a discussion about it I will. Perhaps I can’t heal the wound I caused with a few words, but maybe THESE words, these words that aren’t being spoken harshly or rudely will make some difference in your heart and help to heal any hurt I may have caused. My heart is open. I apologize to you, DB and I apologize to the people on this site for the unhealthy atmosphere I cannot deny that I had a part in creating. I should have chosen my reaction better.